I realize last night that even though I try not to think about the embryos we lost and just enjoy my little man in my arms but I can’t fully escape it.
When I got pregnant I was terrified I was going to lose him. The first trimester went by so slow and I was so scared. I’d like to say that it went away the further the pregnancy progressed but the truth is that I was terrified the majority of the pregnancy it did get easier but the fear never completely went away.
I was terrified something would go wrong during the birth even. Something did go wrong but he is here safe and healthy. But that fear never went away completely. I was terrified of SIDS I still wake up and check on him multiple times at night and he’s only an arm reach away from my side of the bed. I’ve been afraid that I’m going to hurt him somehow… not purposely hurting him…but I have nightmares or horrible images of him passing away! It keeps me up at night! I worry about things like what if I accidentally dropped him? What if when I’m taking a sip of my hot coffee he kicked me and accidentally spilled some and hurt him.
So it is some legitimate concerns like falling asleep with him in my arms but accidentally dropping him. But some of its not so legit like the coffee thing.
I have even worried that there was something wrong with me because I keep having these terrify thoughts of him getting hurt! I even worry about him wiggling off a bed or kicking the wooden rail on the changing table and hurting himself!
Then I realized that the reason I keep worrying about him getting hurt is because I’m still afraid I’m going to lose him just like I was during the whole pregnancy. Every ultrasound and every doctor’s appointment I held my breath as they would search for the heart rate.
I didn’t realize how much my previous losses had affected me I thought I was coping with it really well. I thought I had already come to terms with but I really think that the reason I’m still afraid isn’t postpartum depression because I don’t feel depressed and I’ve been depressed in the past and I don’t feel anything like that. So it’s not depression is just residual feelings from previous losses.
I lost them before I ever got to know them but it hasn’t stopped me from being afraid. The nightmares suck but maybe they will go away now that I know why I’m having them! If not I may speak to a professional!
Just admitting this has made me feel better because I know I’m not going to hurt my son and I’m very careful with him but that fear is there simply because of the RPL. I also know that he is going to get hurt someday because he’s a kid but that doesn’t mean it will be fatal… I can’t keep being afraid of him getting hurt! Shoot as a kid I had to visit the emergency room a few times!
Maybe now that I know where the fear is coming from I won’t be so afraid. I will still check on him all the time at night but I know he is healthy I know he is happy I know he is loved. Someday I will have to kiss his booboos and that’s normal I can’t wrap him in bubble wrap and I can’t keep him safe from everything! I can’t let fear control me!
I love him so much! It is amazing and intense! I look forward to seeing him grow up! I will get too! I can’t miscarry him because he’s already here! I’m not sure if the fear of losing him will ever completely go away but hopefully it will stop haunting me…