Holy #*%^

Life feels like it’s in fast forward all of a sudden. We were talking of all the places we would like to visit to possibly move to. Then one discussion lead to the next and we agreed on a place and boom now hubby is talking to people about selling his business. Mentioning he’d be willing to work smogs for someone while we get settled in. So it looks like one more school year here and then we are going to try to move and I am so excited and terrified all at the same time.

It feels like it’s all happening so fast I thought I had 2 years til it is time to move but turns out I have 1 and wow there is a lot to do. We need to patch/fix/repaint. And we have a ton and I mean a ton of things to pack and go through. So much stuff that it is overwhelming and it is something I would like to go through little by little so that I don’t have to stress about it. We might move in 2 years still but that just depends on if I can get a job in that county before the next school year.

It has my head spinning that it is all happening so soon. I really am looking forward to this next chapter and all freaking out a little. I will need to secure a job, then sell the house, then go house hunting I don’t know it’s all terrifying. I can’t believe we are at this point.

My brain is going in so many directions so I just need to stop. Chill for a minute and see how this decision feels and then start moving forward with patchwork and painting.

Big things on the Horizon!

There are so many big things coming up over the next 5 years.

If you have been reading for a while you know that I plan and over plan and obsess a little on here. I’m always chunking things into goals and ideas. The last 5 years were filled with college and baby making through InVitro Fertilization. We wanted to have children together and wrap up the baby making portion of our marraige. I have 2 older step sons and 2 bio kids so we have 4 kids and we are done having anymore and I am totally on board with this. I also became a teacher over the last 5 years. 2020/2021 school year was my first year in the classroom.

Now our next big things on the horizon have started to line up.

  1. Moving, we want to get out of the desert but aren’t quite sure where to go yet, should we stay in state? Should we travel the complete unknown. We have so much to figure out with this one. To top it off we have set a time line of 2 more years with my school district and then we move. However, there has been mention of moving at the end of this school year so who knows. I personally would be game to move at the end of this school year as long as I have a job locked in.
  2. Going back to school yet again. This time I plan to get my Masters and I finally figured out that I am going to get it in Educational Leadership. Which basically will set me up to be able to someday become a principal or a vice principal. I honestly think I would be cool with either one but I want at least 10 years in the classroom first. I still need to decide which route I plan to get it and how to pay for it. The raise will be worth it immediately and it will open a lot of doors for the future advancements of my career.
  3. Also plan on getting Braces which is great but I’m tempted to put it on the back burner so that I can move forward with the masters. At the same time I have half the money needed for them so far and I want to have the full amount in savings before I move forward with getting them.
  4. We are also talking of investing in another small business venture to start aiming my hubby towards more time working from home. There is a whole lot of things going on with his shop and with the laws DMV is adding that it’s starting to lead the path away from smogs and towards something different but we will see what happens the shop is so close to being able to hire another employee and the income has been decent but hubby has also been working for 60 hours a week 6 days a week without a day off (exception of holidays and this year he actually closed down for a vacation) it is all starting to take it’s toll.

We have so many big things and I am so excited to figure out where we want to go and to make more money so that I can start getting closer to financial freedom. We have a lot of hard work but so many great things the next 5 years will hold.

Wanting to write

I’m not sure where this post is going to go because I just want to write. I can’t believe that Sunday my sweet feisty daughter is 23 months… in a month she will be 2. She is fierce. Her personality is huge and she is so tiny. I just can’t imagine how I ever lived without her. I just love her sooo much!

I also can’t believe that my Youngest stepson is about to be 17 in 1 month also! I can not believe that in August he will attend his first day of his senior year. I remember taking him to his 1st day of kindergarten and time has flown by so fast! I feel like it has been so many memories and goals and milestones that I can believe so many have come to pass.

I am so happy to start this next chapter of our lives. We have 1 year left of dealing with custody stuff, no mother in laws living with us, no best friends crashing for a few months (year) at a time. No more sacrificing through college, eventually I do plan to get my masters but I do not have to worry about being jobless in order to achieve it. We are stepping into a spot we have talked about many times. We will be able to move out of the desert in the next few years. We will start the next adventure together. Part of me wants to go where my siblings are so that I can been near family and be somewhere prettier.

Then part of me wants to take my family somewhere new. Somewhere we have never been. Move our legacy to somewhere greener. Find somewhere we can truly enjoy putting our roots down for possibly generations to come. My mood changes from day to day (hence why I’m already preparing my brain to process this next transition) today if you asked me I would say that I want to move out of this city and state that I would like to go on an entire new adventure and try to lay our roots down somewhere new. Somewhere we can imagine growing old, somewhere that will offer our children the world as they grow.

My hometown would be wonderful as far as growing and creating memories together. But it is such a small town with no large towns nearby that it would only be able to offer our children few choices as far as careers and then most other careers would not be super beneficial. It would limit their choices of careers or they would have to move away from our small town and us. I want them to have the choice of still being near us and going to college for whatever career they might desire. Not feeling like they will have to choose to be near us or to branch out. Where we are now our kids can be near us and very few careers are off limits here. There is a lot more opportunity for them. However, it is a large city which comes with it’s own sets of fears and worries. We definitely want away from the metropolis.

There are so many choices in front of us. And I know I am over thinking everything. I worry what things should we take into considerations just the lifestyle we want to provide our children with? OR should I be thinking larger? Long term being somewhere midsized instead of rural or metropolis would be perfect but should I even take into consideration that they would have to move away from rural to take on their dreams? I don’t even know what those dreams are.

I wish my hubby enjoyed talking those dreams outloud more. To be on the boat of I think these are the things we should research first to narrow it down. Then to help me do that. To discuss what we find before crossing it off the list or giving up and just randomly choosing where to go. We would never but sometimes he just chooses where my siblings live because he knows it’s high on my list. Yet even from the start of our relationship I remember the first time I took him to my hometown and he was shocked how much different it is from where we live even though it is in the same state. From day one he said he could see himself somewhere greener but he wasn’t sure in that town, infact he wanted to choose somewhere even greener if he could pick. Fast forward 11 years later we finally get to start choosing and he is still saying he would want some where even greener then my hometown, so I think when he says lets just go there it’s because the rest is overwhelming.

We have to make this decision together, I am still learning how to work out important hard conversations. I hate having them, I hate having any confrontation, I overthink and then over analyze possible conversation scenarios and it gets a overwhelming. However, I know that my husband struggles with change and the unknown. So these conversations can take a long time to get through and I have been made aware that I need to tone down the moving talk because he’s not ready to get that deep into it we are taking steps, we are working towards our goal so I need to take a step back.

I am trying, I think I just want to push through the hard conversations so that we can make the decision easier when the time comes. For me talking those harder things through sooner is like a stress elief to get them figured out so I can figure out how to overcome struggles or what to steps to take to make it so that we both feel comfortable and confident with our choices.

Life update

Wow it has sure been a long time since I have written about anything. I apologize for that. My mind is spiral thinking and the only sure way to stop it is for me to write. My spiral thinking consists of me focusing on one sole thing, that thing is constantly swirling and mixing into my thoughts of non related things. It does this until it once again becomes the sole focus and then I obsess and talk to my husband, my bestie, and my sister about the same thing because I am so stuck on this one thought.

I worry that I will bore or annoy my friends and family, hence why I write it out. I can annoy myself and not feel guilty. But I am definitely doing it again. This is the same reason that I execute plans well because I’m so focused on the plan that I get excited to take action and stop talking about it (guess I do annoy myself after all).

The focus of all my brain power right now is about our next 5 year goal.

2020- Get back on our feet, started new career officially closed the college no money step!

2021- Get back on our feet and start our list on where we would like to move, start research.

2022- Visit places on the list, start narrowing it down.

2023- Move hopefully, or take one more year to figure it out

2024- Settle into where ever we move

2025- Settle in possibly start masters degree.

That is the 5 year goal. I am excited to start on it. I have done a lot since graduating. We refinanced to save money, then we bought a new vehicle to replace the one that was two small to do anything or go anywhere. We have been getting everything together and talking about possible places.

We have not been on the same page. About 1 or 2 years ago we decided lets just stay in our current state. But after recent conversations my husband is no longer sure he wants to stay in our state. So now we are looking up other states that fit some of our main key points.

Me and hubby process this type of stuff differently. My hubby is a fixer. He needs to just fix it, planning is “dreaming with focus” fixing it is an action. He is my action man, but unfortunatly we can’t skip the planning phase (which I enjoy the planning phase, I am great at focused dreaming) lol but me talking about what if feels to far away for him and he can’t physically do anything right now so it stresses him out that he can’t just fix it. I get stressed if we are not planning because without a plan it won’t happen or it wont happen in a good time frame.

Normally when it is important stuff I do the planning and ease hubby into change because he doesn’t flow with change very easily. I think he’s just dealt with to much BS in his life. He had a rough childhood and things weren’t always easy or stable and I know that left it’s scars. I have my own periods of childhood that were unstable too and I get it. I worry that I am making a change for the wrong reasons from my own childhood trauma.

I don’t think we are doing anything drastic, our life was unstable at times for reasons that is nothing similar to now. My mother is bipolar and manic at that. She has many manic episodes and it sometimes left us in financial stress, or in new places with poor planning. Hubby mom often moved without a job lined up or with a boyfriend that left them stranded and both of us work hard to provide stability with well thought out decisions for our family. I preface all of that because moving is such a huge deal but it is also a very difficult and emotional one for both of us.

We both ideally want to live somewhere else. We both want somewhere with four seasons, a small city/large town. Somewhere that we can grow a big garden and let the kids run the yard and the dogs have a decent area to run and jump. I want to be closer to nature, closer to each other. We both have always dreamed of somewhere greener. So why the hell are we still sitting her cooking in the desert. We are here because we have had no choice. But now that we do have a choice we need to figure out where we are going to go.

We have been looking all over the country and have narrowed down are list to laws, taxes, real estate and of course teacher salary and perks. We are visiting one of the closer places on our list this summer, and then next summer we might check out South Dakota or Washington, maybe Utah. I really like the west coast but who knows where we will end up. I just want to end up somewhere we can put our roots in and be happy. Somewhere we feel comfortable raising our children and giving them the life we dream of. I am afraid of looking at places far from my family. Here I have my parents, my bestie and my sister. In my hometown I have 2 more sisters and my brother. In one of the places my other bestie lives about 30 minutes away. But every where else on the list has none of our family but they are green. So green and I want to be somewhere green for the rest of my life. I want big green trees that grow everywhere. Long soft wild grass. I want fall where leaves change colors and drift in big piles to the yard. I want snow and sledding and hot coffee watching the frost on the glass disappear. I want spring showers of warm days and cold evenings around a fire pit. I want Ice tea in the summer barefoot in the grass working on the garden. All these things I want but it is not impossible. It is just not possible where we currently live. Hubby has painted the picture of what he wants and we picture many the same things. But I knew this from us talking for years.

It can seem overwhelming to find that gorgeous place we dream of but I am excited to start looking for it. We are hoping to have no more than 2 years. I literally want to book a few weekend trips with just me and hubby to check some of these places out with out the kids so that we can give the places our full attention but I don’t know if I will be able to convince hubby of it. I think it is going to come down to what we can see during summer vacations only. The biggest problem there is to that my husband doesn’t get as much summer time off. This summer we are checking out Nevada, so next summer I would like to get up to Washington, but I have no idea when we will get to Utah or South Dakota. We still have a lot of research todo but that really means that I have a lot of research to do.

I am so excited to start this chapter of our life.

Wow. It has been a while.

Hi blogging world! It has been so long, I honestly don’t remember where I left off. I miss writing, it is always such a release for me.

I am hoping I can starting writing again this summer. I am looking forward to this summer soo much! I am exhausted from my first year of teaching. Beyond exhausted and I am looking forward to my first few days of doing nothing! I have a week to go before summer break and it can’t come soon enough.

I have done decent at sticking to my goal of posting 2 videos a week, I think once a week might be my goal through out the school year. But I have only missed about 5 videos. I have seen some growth and I’m happy about that but it can be disheartening putting work into something and not feeling like it’s going anywhere.

The littles are getting so big! and I am very happy to have a career and be done with college. I am hoping that next year is way back to normal and we can be done with distance learning. I want to see my students and have my classroom. I have enjoyed working from home everyday for many reasons but I am hoping it’s not long term.

Well my eyes are heavy even though I really do want to write! I will try to write a real post soon.

Working from home

As a teacher I honestly never expected to be able to work from home. I know a ton of teachers that absolutely despise it. Maybe it’s because I have nothing to compare it too but it’s not the worst thing. There are a lot of things I wasn’t prepared for nor was I expecting. IT is a ton of extra work having to do it online, (if this were a long term thing it would be easier the next year because this year we’ve made all the extra stuff). However, now that my mother in law is helping out a few times a week, it’s not so overwhelming. I have also found a good rhythm with work so it isn’t so overwhelming either.

On Fridays my mother in law is unavailable so me and the hubby alternate who has which toddler to take care of while working. It’s a divide and conquer kinda thing, and it works. On days that I have Sunday it is exceptionally hard but as she gets older it is getting a little easier. I just have to have numerous snacks available and a few easy to do crafts that if she eats it no big deal.

Dalton is easier I just set up a bunch of activities and he chooses them all. His supplies are in the ziplock bag and in his school box so he can grab and go on his own. We sit at the table together so that he’s not alone and in between direct instruction we can have brief conversations. We get to talk and enjoy each others company and then it’s back to work. I was able to get some clips from a day in my life working from home.

Do you work from home during this pandemic? If so what does that look like for you?

Starting on my goal

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I think I already mentioned that my goal this year is balance. That is the theme of my year. Balance.

I want to have it all, call me greedy I guess. I want to have a fulfilling career and still come home and get quality time with my family. I want to fill my house with laughter and memories, I want to not feel stressed and overwhelmed by not being perfect at it all. I want to feel more patient with my children and less overwhelmed by the things I need to do for my students.

I realized something after only 1 quick semester of teaching and that is that I am no longer being graded by perfect papers and clever lesson plans. My students don’t know that I don’t have 5 years under my belt. They are not grading me. Yes I have my bosses looking at what I am doing but for the most part, I can just teach if we try something that fails we just go okay back to the drawing board and instead of worrying about not seeming like enough of a teacher, I know they are learning a growth mindset from me modeling one.

My children don’t care if their dinner is perfect or the house is spotless. They just care that they got to be included in whatever I do and that we are all enjoying being near each other. They aren’t grading me either. I don’t need to impress anybody but my children and a happy mother giggling at their antics and then cuddling up and reading together is all it takes to WOW my kids and they are the only ones I really want to wow.

It has been refreshing, I actually started doing this around Thanksgiving but with the new semester I am already seeing a huge change. I’m happier, my children are happier, my marriage is happier (because I get to actually spend quality time with my husband instead of being so tired from not being perfect and staying up way to late every night working). I do have to remind myself that it’s okay to take time to get a haircut, or time to make cookies and leave the mess for tomorrow. It’s ok, to take time for me.

So far three months into this mindset and I am not only feeling happier and less overwhelmed but I am also more productive which adds to feeling happy for me. Also I have stuck to my schedule two weeks in a row with videos wahoo! Which is the longest I have gone in an entire year!

Here is my most recent video I hope you enjoy.

Backyard dreams

For a long time I have dreamed of being able to open up the curtains to my big sliding doors and look outside at my kids playing while I ran through the house and yard doing house work and could be happy knowing they had a safe backyard to just be kids in while I got stuff done. I know it sounds silly, but I enjoy doing yard work and working in the garden and it is so nice that Sunday and Dalton can play in the yard happy as kids should be. Listening to the play, watching them explore together it was just an amazing feeling today watching them.

We decided to get them a swing set for Christmas, we found one for an excellent price and it is perfect for both Dalton and Sunday. Neither will out grow it too quick and it can be modified as they get bigger. It was fun getting to set it up and have Dalton guessing what it was that we were building.

I really am so happy that we were able to do something like this. I can’t wait to watch the back yard continue to turn into something enjoyable and beautiful for my kids to enjoy in the remaining years that we will live here. IT will also help when it comes time to sell in a few years because a finished backyard is a lot of curb appeal!

Days like today I could enjoy for another decade, I say that, but when the heat hits I will go through my yearly panic over being stuck suffocating in the desert. Until then I will enjoy each day.

January 2021

I feel like January is the obvious time to reflect and improve. I am also a person who believes when you get the desire to challenge and grow you should not wait until the new year. Just do it, set those goals whenever and start on them even if inspiration doesn’t show until November.

I don’t really want to think to much about the scary stuff from 2020 but it has been amazing watching Dalton and Sunday grow closer. It has been wonderful closing the chapter on school and opening the next chapter after a long 5 years.

I can’t believe that Sunday is almost 18 months old and that Dalton is 4!!! How did that happen so fast! I am constantly amazed by the little day to day life. I feel lucky and blessed to have my children to be their mother. I can’t imagine life without them, and my heart will always hurt for those unable too and those who are still trying. I know many of my intial readers were in the IVF boat with me and I know the pains we took as we pushed through it all.

Sorry, off track, it’s easy to do when talking and reflecting about something that was so life consuming for so long.

I am so happy to be starting this next year. I get worried about job security. Especially since we just purchased a vehicle that I love but always the commitment to another payment bothers me. I really hope things will balance out and go back to some sort of normalcy.

Stress is so easy to find, this year I am trying to focus on balancing the stress so that it doesn’t take away from these memories I should be enjoying with the children. This phase of life will fly by so quickly. I remember when my sweet Adin was only 4 and here he is now 16 thinking he’s grown and it terrifies me how quickly this time will fly by. I want to enjoy the most out of this time.

Some of my goals include being better with time management so that I can spend more time with kiddos and less time feeling overwhelmed by all the chores of life, paperwork, grading, lesson planning, meal planning, cleaning …etc… So by making sure I put more focus in during specific time frames so that I can enjoy more time with the kids. For the most part I have learned there will always be another todo list, more paperwork and chores but only so many time the kids will ask me to hold them or play with them and then eventually they will stop wanting those things. I am in no way ready for when they stop being cuddly and wanting me all the time, so instead of dreading that day I will enjoy what I have now and not stress about the endless chores and paperwork.

I have goals to pick up the camera more and record the kiddos as often as possible because I want to remember and cherish it all.

Here are the couple of videos I have posted so far 🙂

Backyard renovations begin

For years I have dreamed of having a backyard that we could enjoy. My husband is A mechanic and a carpenter. Which means our backyard has been full of projects.

My mother in law who used to live with us Used to use the backyard like storage She did not like throwing things away. Between projects and storageIt has not been a very pretty backyard.

We used to have an above ground pool And a fence dividing the yard So that the dogs had somewhere to go to the bathroom and run around. The Above ground pool fell apart. We decided not to get a new pool Because I am terrified of the little kids somehow getting in thereWithout me.

Instead we created an area that kids could play which has been a ton of work. But it is coming along nicely.