It’s all about trust…

I’ve realized something lately… that I have trust issues… Not with Red I can trust Red… It’s with me!!! I know sounds crazy right? Well it makes sense to me a lot of my anxiety stems with having a trust issue with my body!

As a child I was hypoglycemic and had issues with feeling like crap and passing out and even at times having seizures from blood sugar drops…

My ears failed me and caused me to lose my dream career even though I was half way through my training… My inner ear had an infection that caused permanent damage…

Then I found started having the miscarraiges… and my infertility journey took a new twist…

Then I finally successfully carry a pregnancy but my labor was ridiculously and my cervix couldn’t figure out what to do and dialiation was like pulling nails…

I started breastfeed which was a dream but for the first 2 months I had to use a nipple shield….

Then 5 months postpartum my body couldn’t even heal right and I ended up having to have a surgery to repair the damage caused from labor…

Dealing with all of this made me deal with a bit of depression after having Dalton and that scared me I was afraid to trust my instincts as a mother… I had horrible nightmares… that caused some crazy anxiety and I doubted my abilities to do anything… I feel like it wasn’t until after my surgery and I started to feel normal physically and after that I finally started to come out of my depression… I still struggle to trust my “mom instincts” I have a lot of insecurities and doubts that all stem from me not trusting my body…

When I realized how deep I mistrust my own body is about the time I made the conscious decision to talk to someone that might be able to give me the tools to start trusting myself again…

I look back at some of the things like hypoglycemic and think that it taught me how to eat healthy and make my health a priority…

My ear thing sucked and I still get sad when I think about flying…

My misscarraiges sucked!!!!! There was so much hurt and heartache their that I’m still trying to figure out what to do to make myself trust that the immune protocol is what made the difference and that hopefully we will not have to go through that again!

Once I was able to make it to the 2nd trimester I actually had a wonderful, uneventful pregnancy… I really did enjoy my pregnancy and every milestone we made it through!

My labor sucked! But I was able to have a healthy child and that’s what was most important if I have to have a c-section next time then so be it! One horrible labor doesn’t mean they will all be that way!

My breastfeeding struggles eventually I was able to overcome and my body produced tons of milk and I am just now at 20 months starting the weaning process!

I think talking to someone before trying for baby #2 will be very helpful for my sanity and having a healthy relationship with my body would be wonderful!!!

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therapist?

Do you ever feel like your crazy? I do… I feel like there is so much stress in my life that I might collapse under the weight of it all! I was talking to my mom who is a councilor for families with members who have special needs… she suggested maybe I go talk to a councilor… I’ve never been to a therapist… I have nothing against them… I’ve just never been to one… maybe it would help… maybe I’d have a safe place to say everything on my mind with someone who could listen and give me advice on how to approach some of these situations…

I haven’t talked much about it, and I’m not sure why I haven’t talked more about it… but I had some postpartum depression and it was scary… I was so afraid of something anything hurting my baby and taking him away from me… it was bad… I sometimes wonder if it’s something resulting from miscarriages… or if it’s some deep inner issues with being infertile… but eventually I was able to overcome it… however I worry still and when I’m super stressed I once again worry that something will take my child away from me… I have horrible nightmares from it… I lost trust with my body and in ways with myself…

All these things added up and I think if we are going to go through IVF I’d like to talk to someone first and maybe find a way to start trusting my body again… I was super anxious and had a lot of fears during my pregnancy and it was worse after I had him and I worry about going through that aspect of it all again and I’d really like to just enjoy the first couple months depression free and enjoy the pregnancy… I know that I still have some issues to work through and I have some issues I need to get under control… I worry that we won’t even get a successful pregnancy again… no matter what happens I want to try to be optimistic and enjoy life…

I don’t want to feel stressed about everything and keep feeling like a horrible parent… so I think tomorrow I will try to get into touch with a councilor and get the process started…

looking in his sweet face

I found myself in tears today… Happy tears… staring down at Daltons face as he snuggled in my arms… Today was our 4th day of not nursing to a nap and 6th day of his dad putting him to sleep so that he wasn’t getting a nurse before bed either… I know I am ready to shut that chapter of our story and it was bittersweet… I see the next chapter of our story starting… I see him going to sleep with just snuggles and eventually reading him stories until his eyes get heavy… (right now he’d just take the book from me and try to read it himself)…

IT didn’t go perfectly smooth he wasn’t happy with me for not nursing him and he didn’t want my arms around him but he still wanted to sit and cuddle on my lap while… He didn’t even take a long nap

He woke up mad at me then he was in a foul mood all day… we had a lot of break downs … those have been frequent this week while we’ve fought a cold… but eventually he snuggled with me and dozed back off… cuddled up I stared at his face while he slept and thought to myself how I wouldn’t change a thing…

I am so in love with his face… I am so in love with the little boy he is! His personality is so bright… HE loves to laugh and play and explore…he’s so adventurous and perfect he makes my heart so happy!!!

I know he is growing up so fast but I really am enjoying every minute… HE’s hasn’t been to daycare in almost 2 weeks… I’ve really missed having him with me all of the time! HE goes back to school Tuesday and I’m going to to miss him… but in like 2 n half weeks he’s going to be on summer break with me for a whole month and I couldn’t be looking forward to it more than I am right now!!! I love him so much and I’ve missed being able to just play with him and snuggle and run around… I love doing crafts with him and watching him explore everything… I feel like I missed so much of our time while he’s at daycare and it makes me sad that we need it but that’s besides the point…

the point…is that I love him so much and really do enjoy every minute with him… even when he’s thrown temper tantrums and pushed me away telling me no, go…  I love the way he loves me and runs up and hugs my legs… I love that he smiles so much and finds the adventure in everything!!!

TTC #2 thoughts

I’ve been thinking about baby #2 a lot lately! There has been so much stress lately that it has been on my mind and a lot of question have come up…

  1. Can I handle baby #2 and finishing up school?
  2. If I wait til after I grad can I handle baby #2 and starting a new career?
  3. Can I handle the stress my oldest has brought and another pregnancy/baby?
  4. Can I handle going through more possible miscarriages?
  5. Can I handle going through IVF? Could I handle it while going through school?

I think back to getting pregnant with Dalton… It wasn’t stress free!

  1. I was in school full time and had to miss one class to do the retrieval! I managed…
  2. I managed to end one career and go into school full time during IVF, a pregnancy, and a new born… I managed then and I’d manage again…
  3. My oldest didn’t go from saint to hellion over night, it was stressful to fight him on everything, and force him to graduate high school… all though he was a dick while I Went through IVF and a dick while I had a new born… he was really sweet to me while I was pregnant! He loves me and his choices are not to hurt me, in fact I don’t think when he’s making them he’s thinking about me or anyone else in the family!  On top of everything, he doesn’t live here anymore which means I won’t have the day to day stress that I had last time…
  4.  I went through the miscarriages and survived…I dealt with the heartache and appreciated my pregnancy and the little amazing man I got in the end! I’m not saying people who haven’t gone through the same thing don’t appreciate their blessings but it was an eyeopener for me that resulted in me cherishing the things I didn’t ever think about before IVF, miscarriage or anything else…
  5. Hormone fluctuations suck! Sticking myself repeatedly with a needle sucks! Going to a billion Dr. apt. sucks! But with a good planner, alarm clocks and my wonderful IVF community I did it the first time and I could do it again!

There are a few things that I’ve changed my mind about this time around… Like the fact that I won’t look up possible birth dates until after we are confirmed pregnant… I’m not planning on transferring 2 embryos, so twins are not planned, if we get identical twins we will take it as a blessing but I’m not going to transfer 2…

There is a tiny voice in the back of my head that says what if we go through all of it and don’t get pregnant at all??? One pregnancy doesn’t prove that we will get pregnant again… that is  what really scares me the most… but it’s worth a try! I really need to get my head around it all before we go into it… I know that I have some fears that make me negative and want to back away… but I also know what can come from it and that is worth it! That is worth every shot we can give it!

I’ll be honest I wasn’t sure where I was going to go with this post but I’m so glad that I  wrote it because I was able to sort through some of my own doubts… I know I could handle going through it all again and maybe this next time will be easier because no matter what happens at the end of the day I have Dalton to snuggle in and call me mama!!!

I know that what it could mean at the end of this and I can see it in my head… I have a hard time not imagining raising Dalton with a sibling close in age… I can imagine all the family gatherings and vacations… I can see the day to day life of us eating meals together…

Yes, Dalton has 2 brothers but his oldest brother is 17 teen years older than him and his next brother is 12 years older than him… in a few short years he won’t have any siblings at home to grow up with…

I never imagined having an only child and I want to at least try to have the picture in my head… If it turns out we can’t conceive again then I will find a way to cope with that picture not coming true… but I have to at least try…

Even though I do worry how hard the early years will be in the long run it will not always be super hard… Someday we will be able to enjoy the life we’ve built and not still be building… I know that I am scared… I know that I will have doubts again… but deep down inside I know I need to try this again and give it one last shot… We’re still working on saving up and getting all our finances together but we are working on being able  to do IVF again…

traveling…sick…weaning…

Well me n Dalton traveled north to go see my 2nd oldest nephew graduate high school a year early! I am so proud of him, but it was a long drive. 8 hours to be exact!!! We had a great time but ended up cutting our trip short because we started to catch a cold and Dalton started getting a cough and I being the wonderful mom I am forgot the damn nebulizer… so we raced home… we both had a bit of croup but seem to be on the mend for the most part now! ALthough the coughing has interfered with either of us getting a good night of sleep…

It was adorable though he had such a great time playing with all his cousins! He learned how to go down stairs and I learned that holding my breath doesn’t make it any easier when he does these crazy things!

He seemed to have learned a few new words over night and even grew a little!!! It seems he is growing so fricken fast!!! His speech development had slowed down for a long while but he has been catching up pretty quickly!

We are still trying to wean off the nursing and Red is helping me by putting him down at night… I need to start putting my foot down at the afternoon naps when he’s home too… He is at daycare during the week, so when he naps there he goes down without nursing all the time but at home this is a real struggle for me! I feel so bad for telling him no and the crying that comes with it, but seriously I am done with nursing and ready to be done, I just need him to get on board!!!

Well our opportunity that I was crossing my fingers for fell through but that doesn’t mean another one wont come along… we are waiting news to see if we can make it happen with a different place… but time is not on our side and if we can’t get this going ASAP my mother-in-law could become homeless… it is really sad that some people are willing to go after the elderly and target them this way! We are fighting it and have a lawyer but it’s a sticky situation! SO pray that we can keep her in her home she’s going to be turning 80 this year it just breaks my heart to see her go through this!!!

So here we are waiting and hoping something will work out!!!

opportunities…

Sometimes opportunities are great sometimes they fall through…

Every time I feel like things are starting to come together they start falling apart… i’m not sure what message the universe is trying to tell me right now… I have no clue.. I’m still being optimistic but I’m nervous…

Just got off the phone with one of these opportunities it’s not time to count it as a loss just yet but I have a feeling it’s about to fall through… there are still some questions that might make a difference but right now everything is on hold again!

When all your eggs are in one basket it’s easy to lose it all… so we are trying to trudge through but part of me wonders is it not working out because it’s not meant too? Is it something changed the stakes and it’s going to open a new unexpected idea? IDK but I’m nervous! I’m glad I didn’t get to attached to this plan but it was the most direct, fix it all solution…. so we are back to the drawing boards! I’m waiting on a phone call to see where we go from here…

ugh… and I’m leaving next Wednesday and will be gone for 4-5 days so trying to get this crap together before then…

Send us vibes that it all pulls through…

Stress and disappointments…

Life isn’t bad! Dalton makes everything better! AS wonderful as he is he doesn’t take away general life stress! Being his mom is the best thing ever! but this last month has been pretty crazy and my brain is just barely getting a chance to wrap around all that has been going on!

First, I had huge projects and final exams to get through! I worked more then I normally do in a month but it still hasn’t been that much… but all combined it was a lot!

My 13 year old is finishing up 8th grade and heading towards high school which has been a strange bundle of emotions and I’m not ready to see him grow up this fast! (much like his older brothers its just to much) and while I wish he was 100% my kid the truth is that he is my stepson and we have a complicated relationship because of his mom (who is in and out of his life) and now pending her court case over being arrested and an admitted addict who goes back n forth on her current drug of choice is going to be moving back here and that is stressful… we never took 100% custody because for the last 3 years she’s been on the other side of the country supposedly sober and only saw A 3-5 weeks out of the year… but now things might have to get complicated… again… Taking full custody (even though its 90-10 split) will cause a lot of problems…

My 19 year old is doing a ton of things that is not okay and is going to lead him down a path that is going to be damn hard to come back from… I’m pretty sure that he is doing some kind of drug (he denies it) because otherwise I don’t understand how he could literally steal thousands of dollars (over time) from his loved ones without any reason… of course he denies anything like that but why would he admit to it we don’t have proof like someone seeing him but all the signs other then having a literal video of him doing it are there… of course he denies it but who wouldn’t he wouldn’t be stealing in the first place if he was honest and open and doing the things he knows he should be doing or even doing anything at all that he could be proud of…and there have been dozens of times in the past where he was caught .. but he’s getting sneaker and bolder going for ridiculous amounts of money at a time in the last 2 months he has taken around 1200 from different members of our family…. it’s scary and heart breaking to admit… in the beginning I believed his lies, mostly because I wanted to believe his lies… I didn’t want to accept the truth but no matter how hopeful of a parent I am its not random strangers skipping over other valuables and going to specific places and things to know exactly how to get things without setting off the dogs or anything else… it’s just illogical to keep pretending all these things aren’t interconnected and that it’s not him! This is one of my biggest stresses and I’d be surprised if by the end of the year he’s not homeless or in jail because of the choices he continues to make… it hurts to admit and it hurts to think about… it just hurts to think that this is the life he is choosing…

My mother in law is in a horrible situation and the only way to fix it is to help her out financially which could mean possibly trying to get a home equity line of credit or refinancing the house both options are terrifying! It breaks down to a greedy private mortgage company trying to take advantage of an elderly single lady! IT is horrible but it is also terrifying, I cannot imagine her having to try to find a new place to live at 80 years old, her place isn’t only a couple years away from being paid off and she is like a year and a half away from retiring! so IDK exactly what we are going to do but it is scary to have to put our home at risk in any way the whole situation is terrifying… she has a lawyer and he is fighting it but he also said the case could take longer then the amount of time we have and the best thing would be to pay off her house all together and keep fighting the court case…

Somewhere during all of this we have talked about our next round of IVF which I would love to do but it’s hard to think about when there is so much going on… I honestly feel like if there weren’t so much stress from my oldest son it would be easier to go forward without reservation… I really would love to have another child but I’m afraid to go through it all again… I’m afraid of dealing with the stress my oldest brings, school, and adding IVF to the plate… I’m not sure if we are going to move forward with it sooner then planned or not yet… when I think about everything it makes me want to wait but on the other hand the stress will pass and doing it sooner will give Dalton a sibling close in age to grow up with… the stress will pass but having kids and raising them isn’t something that will change it will only get better in time…

Then I go to a whole different kinda crazy thought like what if we go through it all and have no child afterwards? What if Dalton was more luck than anything else? We don’t have proof that it was the immune protocol that was the key factor or if it was just luck that Dalton was strong enough to survive whatever it is my body through at him… What if we go through it all again and don’t have another child? IVF is a wonderful opportunity but it is not a guarantee…

It’s not like were doing IVF tomorrow so I have plenty of time to sort through all these thoughts and frustrations…fears and hopes… no matter what I know that we will make our choices and face them together! My husband and I will grow closer and stronger when we get through all the stress and eventually everything will be okay… one day at a time… one breath at a time… For now I will continue soaking in every wonderful moment I get with Dalton and A…

Parenting teen/adult vs. Infant

(Sorry I accidentally published this before I was done writing it)

I have a 19 year old step son and a 18 month old infant… Sometimes parenting the infant is much easier!!! Its hard especially when you are watching your kid turn into a lost adult that refuses to get help or take responsibility!

His actions keep breaking our hearts but we still stand by him with open arms… And it breaks my heart to admit but I’m done… I’m done being his easy target… I’m done letting my family get ripped off and pretending it didn’t happen because the truth is hard to swallow and it’s easier to ignore than accept… But I accept it… I accept that he is in a bad place right now…

I accept that he doesn’t want help…

I accept that he doesn’t want to change…

I accept that as long as he is on this path that anyone is capable of being his victim…

I accept that he is going to continue doing things that would shock and break my heart…

I accept who he is right now…

I accept that I have to have to protect my family, even if that means putting distance between us and him right now…

I accept that the next time he tries to rip off my family I will have to get the police involved even if that means causing an confrontation between me and his grandparents or even father, because if I don’t he will only continue to victimize us and think it’s okay to do so because he won’t get into “real trouble” for doing it…

I refuse to let him victimize my family… I refuse to let him continue to taking advantage of those who love him… I refuse to shed anymore tears today… ( I can’t promise I won’t the next time he shocks me)… I refuse to allow him to be alone with his brothers only so that I can make sure he doesn’t hurt them…

I will be here with arms wide open when he is ready to take the steps to make a positive change in his life…

I will be here to support him when he realizes that the life he’s leading right now will lead him down a deep dark road…

I will always love him even if I have to put distance between us to protect my other children…

I will always be a phone call away when he needs to talk…

Son, if you ever read this I hope that you understand I am doing this because I love you and because I want to help you even if that means doing things like calling the cops on you it’s because I need you to understand that this is the only option I have left to protect us and to protect you from yourself…

productive to not-productive

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I think one of the biggest things having a baby has taught me is that things won’t go as planned. Children especially small children make every week a little different…

Last week Dalton felt good, he went to daycare everyday and I got so much done that all of our home time was focused on just doing family things… My homework was all done a head of schedule and our house was clean it was a very productive week!

This week has been the opposite of that… Sunday night Dalton had a fever… All day Monday he had a fever…Tuesday morning he had a fever, but it broke and the rest of the day was fine… The daycare has a 24 hour no fever policy (I completely agree with it) but that means I didn’t get anything done those 2 days… I did get lots of cuddles and little sleep but mostly lots of cuddles… We did have fun together despite being sick… Wednesday I did get a lot of homework done but not all of it! One big project is done and I have one more due next Tuesday! I had planned to get a lot done on Thursday (today) but that didn’t go as planned! I ended up going to this baby consignment store because it was the last one for 6 months and I wanted to find some toys that go inside or outside… Luckily I found some but it was clear across town and by the time I got home it was 1:30 I went to the store and then ran home and cleaned the toys and put them together… By the time I was done it was 3 and I was feeling guilty that I’d ran around all day doing things that I could have done with Dalton so I went and picked him up and then surprised him with his new toys!

I feel guilty when Dalton is at daycare and I’m not getting a ton of things done… I feel like they will get more time with him than me and I don’t like that! I want to be his primary care taker and them to just be there when I have to get things done! Like go to class, work, or work on a ton of homework… He has to be full time to hold his spot at daycare which is 4 hours a day 5 days a week minimum, which doesn’t sound like that much but it is, especially on days I work he is there for 8 hours, class days he’s there for 5-8 hours so it ends up being closer to 35 hours then the 25 hours and I’m not a fan of that… So I feel like crap today that I wasn’t productive… I was happy to play with him for the hours that he was awake after we came home… but I find myself missing him so much! I know daycare is necessary and eventually he will be there 40 hours a week but I just miss him!

I wish there was a way to have it all, be a stay at home mom, while enjoying a career, and making a salary! Unfortunately that is not a reality! Reality is I need to make money, so I might as well do it in a career I can enjoy, hence the back to school plan. I have 3 semesters left, and then I will have a stable career that will support us and give us a better life in the long run… As a teacher I will get holidays off, a long summer break and winters off forever all 13 years of his education! This will be better for us in the long run but right now it is a sacrifice I have to make… I miss him so much and I am sacrificing our time together to give us a better future… I am sacrificing my wants and needs to make a better life… I will get over my daycare guilt eventually but today it sucks!

Things I never thought I’d be grateful for.

Infertility… I know that sounds weird, and yes it kind of is… but infertility taught me so many things. It made me and my husband stronger. It made me more appreciative of what I have and what I want. It made me slow down on my crazy planning and learn to enjoy whats happening right in front of me….

I’m grateful that I met a man who’d already had a vasectomy. This left us few options for how we were going to plan on having children. Because of us finding out that we could do IVF and have a biological child together we did it and even though it meant we had to wait a couple of years to save up since insurance covered nothing… we did it… by doing so we found out that I had infertility issues on my own… if we had been able to conceive naturally it would have been a lot more miscarriages and heart aches… through IVF we lost four embryos to my crazy immune system… I’ve had at least 3 miscarriages before I met my husband but if we had been left to conceive naturally it could have been years of heartache before finding the cause…

I’m grateful for the infertile community that I have found online… I’ve been able to meet some wonderful women and couples… I’ve found a little online group of gals that understand the paint and processes it took for us to get here… I’m glad that I have been able to offer help to others the way that I had been offered help and support…

The obvious things I am grateful for! I’m glad that I am able to enjoy motherhood… every bittersweet moment… I am so grateful that I get to be apart of his life… I’m so grateful that I get to be his mother… I feel so lucky to have his love and be able to love him with all of my heart!

I am grateful that if we do it again I know I will have this amazing community to cheer us on… to celebrate the goods, and cry with me over the bad… I am grateful for every single one of my readers!