Meds are ordered…

My pharmacy got a hold of me today to finish ordering the meds we will need for our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET)! I will be on estrogen pills and patches, progesterone in oil 2ccs, medrol, and lovenox… The same exact protocol! I hope this is all it takes for this to work! I am so excited and a bit terrified, I am still in a bit of shock that we only have 1 Embryo I really expected 2 or 3 not 1… It is what it is and I really hope that it works… I don’t even want to think about it not working but at times it’s hard not too! I am terrified that it won’t and we will have gone through all of this… Part of what scares me is that it was a struggle with not having enough sperm… The chances of getting better results down the road are a lot lower now… so this really is our last shot… that does terrify me… but here we are… We can move forward and find out where are lives are headed next…

I can’t help but be scared this can be something beautiful and grow and change our entire family and lives! Or this could be a heartbreaking way to move on from our dreams….. I don’t even want to think about the pain, remembering our miscarriage from December 2015 is painful enough the idea of going through it again is horrible… but getting the chance at trying for another miracle is a blessing on it’s own! At one point I truly didn’t believe we’d get the opportunity to try again, but we did. Now we have the opportunity to do a transfer. So I am going to remain hopeful! I’m going to stay positive! I am happy that my meds have been ordered and I will be happy when we do our transfer… I’m guessing it’s about a month away still… I’m hoping I will get to do the transfer before thanksgiving so that I can have the week off of work and school to take it easy and relax…

I can’t believe my meds are ordered… I asked to do another thyroid test just to make sure things are looking better for a transfer! I just pray that things will work out…

 

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A little excited… A little crazy

Things have felt super crazy around here… I’ve been having some anxiety but I’ve also had some really peaceful moments… I think I’m just a little excited and maybe a little bit crazy… I know I need to find a way to release some of this stress and anxiety and I’m not entirely sure how… For now I’m writing out my stress, but I think I’m going to start trying Yoga… maybe some stretching and breathing will help with the anxiety… I think some time management will help with my stress… In the midst of some anxiety I flipped open my planner to this page!!!

This was exactly what I needed to read at the moment! To me, the picture reminds me of an embryo and the positive saying fits what I think whenever I’m about to freak out! I really think about going to a councilor, then the idea of finding one and committing my time to it stresses me out when I have no time as it is… I really need to get this stress under control, hence the starting yoga thing!

Today I had a bad day with a mid term exam and I’m not thrilled about the presentation portion! I know it happens from time to time… but it was rough… I was stressing about the rest of the weeks projects so I ended up calling in to work… It felt great I don’t play hooky very often but I did this week and the amount of stress that was released when I didn’t have to worry! Tomorrow I will finish all of my projects and hopefully can get more than an afternoon off this week! Between midterms this week and projects last week, every day I have put 4-10 hours into my school for the last 11 days! I am ready for a break!!!!! But I have a day maybe 2 of hard work but I should be able to reach my goal and get to enjoy Saturday and Sunday off!

 

 

1 monthish to go!

I still have around a month before we get to do the transfer… I am getting very excited I keep thinking happy what if thoughts… I’m still nervous and catch myself whenever I have a thought thinking the words “hopefully” afterwards… However, I think that’s normal… I’m not naive that there could be bad news… I’m not so naive to think it will work no questions asked! I know it is a gamble and it is one I am excited to take…

I’m going to try my best to think positive thoughts! I’m going to focus on the good.. I know what the bad means but why think about it if I don’t want too. it will only leave me miserable so instead I am focusing on the good.. .

My first instinct is to be cautious but my I’m trying to just stay positive! To take this one milestone at a time…

There are a few things I’m going to try to do to prep for this next round. Several are goals I always have or have had for a long time and planned even if I wasn’t ttc

  1. Eat healthy (year round goal)
  2. Do yoga (I’ve been wanting to do this after each day anyways) I’m going to try moves that are supposed to be fertility yoga… as long as it relaxes me I’m thinking it’s a good thing. Anything to take stress off makes me feel better.
  3. positive writing to help be motivated and excited.
  4. Possibly go to a councilor if the stress is to high
  5. Get outside as much as possible (outside relaxes me)
  6. Enjoy leisurely walks

I’m not really planing on doing a whole lot because I truely believe that if it is meant to happen it will… I’ve made the embryos, I will do the immune protocol, I can try to lower my stress and be healthy but beyond that it is out of my control… All I can do is hope and that I will… most the things I want to do during this cycle are all focused on my stress levels and mental health is a very important thing.

Mostly I am going to try my best to take care of myself to do things that I know will help ease my mind… Things like take… Sunday evening to prep and clean before the week starts because it helps my stress level.  Get my homework done before Saturday to help give me down times during the weekend… Take extra walks or go outside to soak up the fresh air of fall!

Excited,

There is fear in the back of my mind… how can there not be when you’ve gone through infertility you know there is no guarantee and it’s not going to be easy… When you’ve struggled conceiving or staying pregnant or both you know that there is always a chance at heart break…

I am trying my best to not even think about the heart break side of things…

I am going to try my best to think happy thoughts, to dream of a happy things. To be optimistic… yes there is always that chance but there is a chance at so much love and happiness too.

That is what I am choosing to focus on the chance at all the love and happiness that can come from everything. I look at Dalton every day and feel my heart grow… I want to share that feeling.

I am hoping, praying, wishing, finger crossing, and everything else I can think of, that this is all going to end in happiness!

decisions… decisions…

So me and Red have been talking nonstop about this whole situation… We’ve come to a decision, we’re going to move forward with a transfer as soon as our clinic can squeeze us in… I should be starting my next period at the end of this month so if they can fit us in the next one we would be transferring in November… We are still waiting on the clinic to get back to us… So it should still be sometime this winter…

I’m feeling happy about this choice… I think the deciding factor in this was that I don’t want to be building up my hopes for the next 6 months… along with hope I would be building up doubt and fear… I don’t even know what grade of an embryo that this one is! I’m not sure I want to know… I’m just going off the satisfaction that this one is perfectly normal on the PGS testing…

Red has said from day one the closer in age the kids could be the better! His only concern was interrupting my education and me starting my job later on… We have resolved that because no matter whether I graduate in December or I graduate in June I start my position in August… My university academic adviser told me whether I have baby in the first week or the 10th week I can do my student teaching up until that point and then finish the following semester!

So no matter what we can make this work out… so we are going to move forward with a transfer as soon as we can do it…

answers… and more questions…

We have 1… one healthy embryo that has no genetic abnormalities! One shot at growing our family… one shot at hoping for a healthy pregnancy! One chance for our little embryo to have a chance… One tiny little embryo that will hopefully be a part of our family!

Now the questions… obviously the will it work question is there no matter how many embryos you have… now my next question is should we still wait til march? Would it really be best? Can I handle another 6 months of raising my hope and worrying about will this one shot work or not?

Can my hubby handle it?

Can we handle it?

Will it add more stress instead of taking away stress… the original plan was to wait so that I’d be completely done with my classes before baby was born… waiting would decrease my stress because then march-july we could try and the timing would still be great…

but now waiting might add stress, I’d have to function and get all my classes done and try not to focus to much on the fact that we only have one shot at this!

The more I think about okay if we transfer now what is our due date the more I think omg what if it never happens… IDK I’m going nuts but I’m also thinking that maybe we should just do it… do the transfer and see if it’s even going to work if it does we’ll figure out things from there… if not then we will figure things out from there… IDK what is going to happen but I don’t want to wait 6 months to find out if I’m going to be elated or if I’m going to be heart broken!

IDK I know I will sleep on it and then make up my mind but right now I’m leaning towards just doing the cycle and seeing how it goes from here… for now i’m going to make some comfort food and enjoy dinner!

UGH have I mentioned that infertility sucks!!!!!!!!!!

 

You’ve got to be kidding…

I missed the call! THATs right I missed the call that I have been dying to get for the last 15 days!!!! And…. I missed the call!!!!!!

I was in my practicum class from 8-2:40 while I’m there my reception is absolutely horrible! I got about 20 feet from the building when my phone starts buzzing away in my pocket. I grab it and 4 missed calls, one of them from the clinic… I immediately listen to the message and it says hi this is Nina from the clinic with your results call me back…yada, yada, yada… I quickly call back and she’s busy they will have to take a message. I left a message for someone anyone to give me the results… only embryologist could and she was busy….

I called back right before 5 because thats when they close and the tell me she will call me back tomorrow and even wrote down times it would be best to reach me and mentioned that I could call tomorrow right at 8 when the clinic opens… so that is what I will do and hope that I can talk to her before my class starts… I will have my phone on vibrate in my pocket all day tomorrow so that I wont miss the call…

I can’t believe I missed that call!

Now of course my brain is going crazy reading into everything telling me everything is fine and then the next minute thinking ah crap we don’t have any embryos do we! UGH I just want to know if we will even get a shot at having another baby!

I’m going crazy here… I’m trying not to think about the negative scenarios… and on top of the lady that answers the phone said she’s see if my results were in then she said in very postive excited voice that yes they were there… and then she said at the end that Nina would call me back, go over the results, and talk about our next step… I was like omg the way she says yes seemed like yes there is good news… then go over it and talk about the next step sounded like a no you have no viable embryos… see I told you…going crazy… I am not the kind of person to read into tones and hidden meanings… but here I am acting like a crazy lady!

I really hope I don’t miss the next call… more then anything I hope that we have some beautiful embryos waiting to be transferred….

Getting in the groove

IT took me a really long time to get in the groove this semester! Which is honestly part of why we haven chosen to wait… When we finally do a transfer I will be almost done with my spring semester and already in a good groove.

I’m really hoping that tomorrow we will get our pgs results… it has been almost 2 full weeks I was really expecting to get it sooner… I’m worried that the results wont be good… I just want to know! I have this dream, I can see it clearly… I really hope everything will be okay!

For now I’m just trying to stay occupied with my kiddos and my school work! I’ll try not to think about it 1 million times a day!!!

Still waiting

We’re still waiting on the PGS results… I even called on Friday to see if they had those results yet… but no luck… They said the results are still pending so we are waiting now until Monday to see if there have been any updates… I really want to know how many we have… I’m so worried that this might be a one shot kinda thing and last time it took much more than one embryo to make it…

We could be lucky on the first shot but having one and only one shot would cause me a lot of stress unless I knew that it would work on try one, but there is no guarantees…

I don’t know why I’m being so impatient about this we’re not even going to be doing a transfer until March or April…

I’m just anxious about it…. I’m also kinda irritated with myself for not going through a cycle but I do know it’s for the best… I just want to get this stuff going!!! I want to be pregnant and looking forward to babies arrival instead of the stress of trying to get pregnant in the first place…

I am proud of us for waiting… it was a hard choice but in reality I know it is what will be best for my family! It will all work out… that’s what I tell myself and I pray that I am right…

 

 

Feeling at ease

I’ll be honest, this semester was a rough start which is a big part of why we chose to wait... Then being on IVF meds and getting a head cold, I was struggling… I was tired from being sick and the meds and chasing a very active toddler… the idea of adding pregnancy and having a newborn and then doing the full time student teaching all felt so overwhelmed… Don’t get me wrong I’m super excited to get to try again, and of course the possibility of having another miracle baby! However, I am also relieved. I feel like I made the right choice, like waiting those 7 months will take a lot of the stress off my shoulders! Now I can focus on my school and time will surely fly by! Not to fast because I don’t want time to slip from me and Dalton either…

The semester is going on to week 6 I finally feel like I got this and I’ll be fine. Which is normally how I feel at the start. This semester I started sick and stressed so now I am finally getting that motivation I need to kick butt at school and get this semester over! I feel like I can do it and that I am finally getting close to the end! I was looking at my class list for next semester and was feeling a bit worried. I will have a very, very busy semester come spring even more than this semester has been. Then it hit me, even though it is going to be busy it is my last semester of having to take classes on campus. This is the last set of 5 classes (this has been my normal for the last 4 years) that I will have to take before I’m a teacher!

After that it’s student teaching, and then after that I plan to take the next semester to have baby and enjoy that stage for close to 6 months before having to teach… IT won’t be easy but I am so close to the finish line! I just need to take it one week at a time and kick butt!

If I can get enough extra days in then I will be done with my practicum class by November. That will drop me down to 3 classes and then give me extra days to sub so that I can have moneys for the holidays! I’m looking forward to getting done with school and I am so close now!