Being spontaneous

Well as spontaneous as I get… We are going on a trip in a week. We are going to go see my siblings up north. I am excited and incredibly worried about leaving during a pandemic. Part of me is ready to go the other part is ready to chicken out.

I am also 3 days away from getting my tattoo! I am also excited and almost tempted to cancel it… but I won’t I already paid a deposit and I am ready to get some ink I’m just still scared to go anywhere and be near strangers. I know we will be the only ones in a sterile shop with masks on the whole time… but I am still nervous.

My city has been having huge spikes and so going out makes me anxious. We will be traveling to a much smaller city and that makes me feel a little better. We can get out of the heat and go for walks. We can go easily go to the mountains anytime we need to… It will be great… we can walk around the marina and have acres of land to play on. The hot days are barley 100 degrees and that gives us plenty of morning or evening time to play outside. It’s not about wanting to go somewhere that we can go around in and out of places. It’s to be able to get out of the heat and get outside. To be near my siblings and enjoy their company. To have my son and daughter not trapped in the heat box inside a city unable to go do or see anything. They will get a chance to just enjoy a bit of summer.

I’m not going to lie I’m worried about going to work but I am absolutely terrified for my kids to go to daycare. I honestly wish that the district would go to full time distance learning for the next semester. That way I could teach from home with the kids at home. Hubby would take a kid for me for several hours a few times a week. It looks like it is planned to be a combination of in person and online schooling.

Part of me feels like it will be just a matter of time before we get it even if we don’t go back I don’t know this is what I need to get a break from. Just go see my siblings out in the boonies and enjoy a little bit of summer.

Indecisive…

It is one of my biggest downfalls. The closer my tattoo appointment gets the more nervous I get that it’s not going to come out right. I got my stencil and I like it, but I’m still worried I didn’t get a colored version and I have a hard time picturing it all colored and what that is going to look like.

Drawing and artwork are so not my thing. I can picture a beautiful picture but to figure out exactly how to get that on paper throws me off. I think she’s on to the right idea and it looks good but I can only kinda picture it.

I am so excited and getting scared as I get closer to Saturday! I can’t wait to see it at the same time this is permanent and I have a very hard time making permanent decisions.

On the plus side today I got my badge for my school district and at the end of the month I start working! I am so looking forward to having a paycheck! I am so looking forward at being able to make a bigger dent in our debt and start working towards getting to move out of the city and to a town that has 4 seasons and a lot less people!

Everyday is one step closer and I am so very excited!

Hello 30

Funny story, my mom has always said to me “you were never a child Callie, you were born 30.” It has been her joke, she’s always called me an old soul. To be honest, I feel like one.

I finally reached 30, which is wonderful because I have always felt like I was 30. So here I am. I am excited to see what this next decade will look like. I can’t help but to reflect on what my last decade looked like.

So much life happened.

2010, I turned 20. My plans to become a pilot were in full motion, but before I would hit 21 I’d rupture my ear drum get a nasty infection that caused permanent scarring near my equilibrium. I lost my pilots license. I started dating my best friend.

2011 I turned 21 and bought my first car from a dealership by getting a loan. I started getting babyfever.

2012 I paid off my first car. Discussed a family with my best friend and boyfriend. He had a vasectomy before we started dating since he was a single dad of 2. We knew it would be difficult but we had options.

2013 My best-friend proposed to me in February, we were married by October.

2014 We spoke to a fertility doctor and found out we could have a bio baby together no donors needed with the assistance of IVF and PESA w/ ICSI. We also found out the cost. That summer I enrolled in my first classes for college. I finally figured out what I wanted to do since being a pilot had been my focus and my shattered dream.

2015 We start IVF. We endure 2 FETS and lost 4 embryos in the first trimester. I was emotionally and physically exhausted.

2016. We were broken hearted after miscarrying twins in December and were running out of hope we decided to transfer our last embryo after extensive tests and a new protocol. It worked we were pregnant, that October I got to have our sweet baby boy.

2017 I got my associates degree and transferred to a big university.

2018 We celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary, We found out we would be able to do IVF 2 and try to have another child. In November we transferred our 1 and only embryo. December 1st we found out we were pregnant

2019 we found out we were have a daughter! In August our sweet baby girl was born!

2020- started off with me doing my student teaching. I graduated before I turned 30! A pandemic hit. I turned 30!!! So much has happened in the last 10 years it’s crazy to think of. I can’t believe it has been 10 years! I am so excited to see what the next 10 years bring!

Tattoo

I’ve been dreaming of my next tattoo for years and I’ve finally decided to get it! I’ve been talking about it for so long that my family is probably tired of hearing about it and ready for me to shut the heck up! lol

SO…

I booked it!

I researched artists for a long time and found one whose work I love and I scheduled my appointment! I’m so excited it’s still 10 days away but I can’t wait…

I am so excited to see her first draft of putting my ideas onto paper! I am so excited to see it! I am worried it’s not going to be what I hoped… I’m worried it’s going to be super painful! I want it on my shoulder but it’s been a long time since I got a tattoo I might be a bit more of a peewuss then I was, during my teenage “trying to prove how tough I am” stage of my life. I am so excited though!

I’m also nervous about it getting messed up… it looking good on paper but not on me! This is something that everyone for the rest of my life will see… This is something that I will see all the time. It is permanent and it’ll be near my shoulder and my face and I really want it to look beautiful and not mediocre. Not gonna lie I have several mediocre tattoos that I wish were amazing I am worried bout getting another one.

Where does the time go?

How is it almost July? So many things are approaching and it feels like time has just flown by. So many good things and so many crazy things have happened in 1 year. Let me explain, I am born in July so for me July has always felt more like the start of a new year than January 1st.

This last year has been one of the most eventful years of my life! I had a baby girl, followed by my student teaching, I graduated college with my bachelor degree. A fricking pandemic struck the entire world!!!! Job security became unstable, I got hired in a teaching position (still need to sign my contract once the system is back up and running) and I finish this year by turning 30.

My twenties were also wild and packed full of some many things, career changes, college, marriage, infertility (6 years of it), two IVF cycles, 2 children, 2 degrees, and a fricking pandemic. I will definitely always remember my twenties!!! A new career and another world of possibilities has begun.

I’m excited, I’m excited to see where my thirties take me. I am hoping to move from my current city to somewhere greener. I am looking forward to a bunch of new adventures with my hubby and my kiddos in tow. I’m not sure exactly what the new future is going to look like but I look forward to it. Having my family complete is such an amazing feeling and one I had really wasn’t sure I would get.

Where to begin

This is probably the longest I have gone without writing. Today I need it. I’m feeling so many things and like the rest of the world a lot of my stress is caused by this ever changing realities that we seem to keep facing and I’m tired.

I’m tired of being stuck at home, I’m tired of my kids be in a constant shelter in place kind of mode. I’m tired of reading the news, tired of watching the sickness continue to take over. I’m tired of seeing so much hate, and seeing the hate being so focused on producing more hate. I miss seeing stories of hope and the good in humanity. It seems like that is missing from our world right now. It makes me wonder where did we go wrong as a society that we have to draw lines and give ultimatiums. Everything is spoken with such passion and if you don’t jump on board then you are a horrible person. It feels like so many lose-lose situations. I just want to go a week without hate in everyones mind. I think most of it is caused from fear. I’m no pyschologist, but fear seems to bring out the worst in people.

I really didn’t get on here to dwell on that, but apparently it’s on my mind since it’s flowing through my fingers as I type. I was just starting to enjoy everything I’ve worked so hard for and the world gets changed upside down.

Today it was too much, I reached my point. I didn’t have enough patience with my kids. I struggled to control my irritation and tone of voice. I felt like a total shitty mom! Today was the first time in a long time that I missed having a cigarette. Tomorrow will be a better day! I’m taking the kids on a walk early in the morning. I’m going to get the heck out of the city even if its only for a couple of hours.

I’m going to smile, and laugh and enjoy watching my kids enjoy life. I’m not going to let myself get to frustrated. I’m going to actively work on taking a deep breath and counting slowly when my toddler refuses to listen. I’m going to breathe and count slowly when my sweet 10 (almost 11) month old refuses to go to sleep or stay asleep. I’m going to remind myself that I am the adult that is in charge of showing them how to handle their emotions especially when they get frustrated.

I’m going to be kind to myself if I forget to breathe and count slowly. If the house is a mess it’s not something worth getting upset about (even though there are other people who are capable of cleaning up after themselves).

I love my children so much and when I lose my patience or I raise my voice I picture myself through their eyes and it is not pretty and today it got to me. I am going to work on not raising my voice, I am going to work on meditating more and finding more ways to escape the repetitive days. I’m going to work on so many things. I don’t want to feel like this, like I’m a shit mother, like I’m sad and angry. I just want to enjoy my kids, enjoy my life, because other than all the chaos ensuing the world. I have a good life. I’m still broke, but I am done with college, I have a job prospect lined up, I have a husband that loves me. I have some of the most wonderful children.

Dalton is so sweet, smart, and a little bit wild. Sunday is the happiest human I have ever met. She lights up my world from the moment her eyes pop open they are just beaming with happiness and excitement to explore the world around her.

It has been a rough year but I look at my kids and their so beautiful and I know this wont last and eventually things will be back to normal. Eventually… I hope………………

Student teaching on pause!

 

Here’s a video update but as always you will get a lot more in dept thoughts from reading my blog…

Well on Friday the 13th I finished my 5 week take over, I had 5 weeks left of college until I got to graduate from my university. This next month was supposed to be me giving portions of the day back, going to senior activities, and started to interview schools to decide where I wanted to teach… but now it’s on pause… College is all online and we just got word that we will in fact be getting our degrees and all ceremonies will be held at a later date…’

But, (always a big butt involved) we will not be getting our teaching lic. because the state superintendent refuses to waive anything at this time… I really think he’s just waiting to see if school will continue to be postponed or not… if we go back mid April as planned then I think we will just finish in May… if it’s post poned beyond May then we will have ground to fight for it getting waived so that we can start teaching in August!

It’s all up in the air and I’m really anxious about it! I’ve had fears in the past about it all getting ripped out from under me like my helicopter lic. did. That career ended by uncontrollable events and I was devastated! The closer I’ve gotten to graduation that fear has caused me a lot of anxiety! I had it under control until the world shut down! I’m trying hard not to think about it!

On the other hand, I’ve been missing my time with Sunday so much it has been wonderful getting my kids full time all the time! Life has been good in that aspect!

Half Way there! 

I am half way through my student teaching!!!!!! Hooray! It has been difficult and rewarding which is what many teachers say about teaching in general. I’m so happy to be half way done and at the same time it feels like it has already been a full 16 weeks not 8! 

So many things have gone on. I lost my grandpa! I’ve had 3 stomach viruses. The kids have had a cold. It has been a lot! Sunday has had nights of great sleep and nights of no sleep and having to get up and teach the next day has been rough! 

I know that a lot of schools do there student teaching programs different and at mine the first 2 weeks are getting to know the routines, students, and school policies…after that you are the teacher full time all day everyday except for 2 hours a week when you have your meetings with your university facilitator. So I have been running the show! 

5th grade is better than I expected but I still think that I would prefer the younger kids! Today we did a few mock interview questions and it was harder than I expected and it has me a bit nervous about when I start applying for work… I still have about a month before I can actually start applying for jobs but when March 16th comes around I should start to get an idea of who is hiring near me… 

One of my favorite school is actually hiring for Kindergarten and I do want to take the job if I get the chance… or at least I thought I did… but now I’m questioning it because if they have surplus I will be the first to go… In addition, it’s not the nicest of schools and I really want a school that I can have Dalton at for kinder and possibly pre school… So much to think about… is it meant to be that one of my favorite schools to sub at has an opening in kinder… it would be a wonderful team to work with… but that whole surplus thing is on my mind… I also really like the school I’m student teaching at… but who knows if there will be an opening and I really don’t like the accelerated learning system that they have in 3rd-5th grade the take all the higher achieving kids and put them in one class and the other 2 classes don’t have those students that help drive discourse….it just sucks the air out of the other 2 classrooms and who knows if the principle would even want to hire me… I do know that I also really like another school near by but I don’t know if there will still be an opening when I’m able to apply… So many things to think about but I’m also so excited that I can finally start looking towards that next step! I am so close to being done!!!! 

6 months!!!

How in the world is she already 6 months old!!! Sunday Everly is the most wonderful, happy little girl I’ve ever met! Even so little her personality is sooo big! I’m so happy that I get to be her mama!

She is sitting, rolling in every direction! Squealing, laughing, saying dadadadadadada at everything. Bouncing and jumping in her exosaucer is her favorite activity! She loves her brother Dalton so much! She makes everyone around her smile!

She is still a bit of a red head!

Having a moment…

Super mom guilt moment!!! 

Let’s just start with saying how much I love my kids! How I want to be there everything just like they are mine… With Dalton it’s all about mom! However, Sunday spends so much time with my daughter that I feel like he is her everything and I’m so glad they have that bond… I want that so much! I do feel a strong bond with her but lately when she gets upset she wants her dad not me and it makes me sad… 

I triedd for 60 minutes to get her to sleep and every time she would start to doze off she would start crying all over again! Then in walks my hubby he holds her she calms down then she starts to doze and starts to cry he lays her down in bed and 30seconds later she’s out… I tried that 3 differnt times in the last hour! 

Does she not know me enough to want my comfort am I really getting so little time with her that she is no longer a mama’s girl? I’m not ready to not be the primary care giver! being back at school sucks because of how little time I get with her! I keep telling myself 10 more weeks and she will be with me 24/7 again!