5 minute argument

How is it a 5 minute conversation can have such a negative impact on a day. I’m trying to get back to the happy positive day that I had and it’s hard. I was having such a good day, then I had a 5 minute conversation with my sister B and the rest of the day has been a struggle. I really upset her and she is no longer answering my phone. It really was a stupid conversation. I tried to apologize, I had shared a memory from about 5 years ago. I should have kept my mouth shut, really I know I messed up.

I brought up this memory about her once making me change my outfit over my nipples poking through my shirt. She had brought up at the time how inappropriate it was to go without a bra near my 10 year old nephew and her hubby. I was wearing a thin nursing bra at the time, was very top heavy I’m talking a DDD kinda heavy because I was still nursing my son who was just starting to crawl. So afterwards I stopped wearing those types of bras around her family.

Fast forward to why I brought it up at all… I bought a thin bra today, she told me how much she loves thin bras and I was surprised because of that conversation years ago so I told her that I was surprised since she had made me change attire over a bra like that. She went off over how she hasn’t been insecure since she was a teen and how dare I make her sound like such a nasty bitch. I told her she was never nasty when she asked me to change, but she had made it clear to me at the time that I needed to change, I ended up getting bodied bras from my sister in law since she witnessed the whole argument at the time.

B was supposed to drive up to see me this weekend and stay 2 weeks. She got off the phone with me and then texted that she will no longer be coming to visit. I feel terrible. I tried calling her. I apologized when we were still on the phone and said maybe I had mistaken the conversation since I had just had a child and was hormonal that it stuck out in my memory more than it should have. She said no it was never her she never did that and then got off the phone.

I apologized again through a text and told her I was sorry and didn’t mean to cause her any upset that if I could redo the conversation I would. no response, an hour later I text her again and told her I understand if she doesn’t want to see me because I upset her and that I totally understand if she no longer stays with me, I still hope she can come visit the rest of the family and enjoy her vacation. Still no response.

My kids are looking forward to her visit, several other nephews n nieces. My other 2 sisters n brother were all loooking forward to it. Now she is canceling all because of the 5 minute conversation I wish I could undo.

Maybe I need to learn to not share what I’m surprised about. I really need to learn to not bring up unhappy stories of the past and let them lie in the past. She said if I held onto it all this time then clearly it’s still bothering me. She’s kinda right, it’s not that it’s still bothering me but I have made sure to buy specific bras, and swimsuits because of our conversation years ago. I should probably look into getting a therapist.

So I know I talk to much. I share to much (obviously you know this if you’ve read my blog). I’m really going to work on only sharing positive memories, there is no reason to make anyone remember things that are unpleasant. My new goal is to not share that past bad crap. I have a blog, a bestie, a hubby, and I can get a therapist if I absolutely need to share out that crap from my past.

2am

It’s 2 am. I had a rough week. I’m stressed about too many things at once. I’m having anxiety issues and it sucks. I’m trying to use the tools I know to get out of this funk but my chest is heavy and my mind is racing. Ugh i hate it!

Writing is often my stress relief so I figured why not try tonight.

On mother’s day my 17 yr old step son was actually here! I was super excited because it’s so rare for him to be with me on mother’s day and he’s chosen to not move with us so it could be the last one where we are close to eachother. I was excited. I was sick, but still excited. The day before I spent nonstop running to make his prom super special. He ended up ditching me the entire day. I begged him to spend time and he blew me off. Hubby was so sick he slept all day. so I just packed N hoped my SS would be home soon to spend the day with me. He never did. About 9pm Dalton the 5 yr old mentions something about mother’s day and SS asks if he told me happy mothers day, I tell him he did not Nd his response was that he told so many ppl he couldn’t remember which he’d said it too. Which honestly just hurt more.

The next day at work was hard and u had 3 days with no prep and a list a mile long to complete by next week.

Closing date on the new place is now a week later and my truck is still not ready for me to pick it up. I was so furious that I called and then cried on the phone to the case manager. Figured instead of my hubby feeling guilty, the car place could. I never yelled and rarely let ppl hear me cry but I cried.

We have 2 weeks til we move. My stomach is in knots over everything.

Then we get a knock on the door of my son’s gf gaurdian talking to us about how Adin is sneaking her into our house every night for 2 weeks.

Being a mom is hard.

Being a teacher is hard.

Not having my truck is complicated.

Moving is stressful.

I’m ready for the next week to be over so that I can be ready to handle a few less things.

Holy moly. ahchoo

You guessed it by the title I am sick! My rapid response said that I am negative for Covid. Hopefully it’s correct. It is the end of the year and we have so much to do at work I can’t fathom taking time off right now. If it had been positive I would have had to take it off. Instead I plan to mask up, distance as much as possible and hopefully I can get over it quickly.

In the meantime, my senior in high school had his prom last night and I am so happy for him. IT is sad, although I did not carry him in my womb, he has been my first child I took to Kindergarten so to see him ending his last year it is difficult. He is struggling and has a lot on his plate because the crunch line is here. He doesn’t handle his time well and I worry about him since he is admit that he wants to go live with his biomom. He has never actually lived with her, just weekends twice a month. Court ordered. He swears she has been sober over a year and on a better path but I still worry. She’s never been there when he truly needed her and although I can’t trust her I can try my best to trust that my son will be able to swallow his pride long enough to ask for help if he needs it. I know he doesn’t want to live with his parents but we offered anyways.

We have 15 days left until we have to pick up the big Uhaul and I am sick which means I got only 4 boxes packed this entire weekend. I am beat. I am trying to balance resting, packing, end of the school year chaos for the teachers, and the purchasing of a house. It is extremely exhausting and I can’t wait to be sitting in our new house with our gorgeous view just enjoying life. I need my health to just get on board so that I can get sh** done! Hopefully everyone else is enjoying their mothers day.

Writing reprieve

Writing is such a strong processing tool for me. I used to get insecure that I would be viewed as negative but the truth is I write when I’m stressed. Sometimes I just need to get it out, get all the chaotic thoughts organized so that I can process and deal with them one at a time.

Here are my current stressors. I have general life and work stuff to balance which is hard enough. We have had nonstop house work getting everything ready for the sale. Then we are house hunting in Elko my sister is my Realtor and was also working with a partner some drama came up and now I am only willing to work with one realtor. I am not going to deal with a bunch of in between crap. I do not want to feel caught in the middle of anything and it was very uncomfortable. So I told my sister either she needs to be able to do it without a partner or I’m going to need to go to a different Realtor because I just feel very uncomfortable with everything. That is unneeded stress. I literally had a migraine due to it all it was ridiculous.

I am exhausted and ready to just look for a house with zero drama. I feel like what we have been seeing has been getting better and more frequent. We are on our way to finding the home, the fact that interest rates and house prices are both still increasing which sucks. So here we are. I am tired but I am hopeful that we will be able to proceed looking for our house and that we will find something that we love soon. I hope at least.

Tomorrow is my last day of spring break. I have a few very important things I know that we needed to do. But that requires phone calls I couldn’t make on a Sunday. I also have a few little things I need to get done for school. I only have 5 weeks left of the school year and still no closer to finding and closing on a home. I so badly want to just be done. Instead I will need to call and set up a storage unit for June, the exciting thing will to start moving things up north and be getting ready to have a major change of scenery. I’m not going to lie this big move has it’s scary moments and I’m glad that I am moving somewhere familiar.

I really need to find a way to process this stress better because I am exhausted and at times sick to my stomach over it. I will be happier when I can just breathe!

You’ve gotta be kidding…

I’ve been watching the real estate market since before I graduated college. We really should have moved last year. I have been watching and I swear the same week that we signed papers to be in contract to sell the real estate market in my hometown died. There is absolutely nothing on the market and I’m starting to get worried. Mind you it has only been a week since I got the job. But holy frick! now that papers are signed and choices are made there is literally not a single house for sale in my hometown. There are some scary trailers and blank property but no houses at all!

I’m not going to lie. I’m panicking a little bit! I really didn’t think there would be nothing even if we were limited I didn’t think it would be nothing. All I pray is that in 3 weeks when we go to spring break there is something for us to look at, I really hope that we will find our house and be moved in before school starts! Please universe give us a nice house to move into that we will be comfortable and happy in.

For Sale

Our house is officially listed for sale. That’s right it is officially on the market where it wont really stay. We have a buyer lined up but we did the first steps and listed it for sale and tomorrow we will have a contract in hand for my parents that will be lined up as the buyer. It is exciting and scary. We have a closing date lined up and have about a month after my school ends to get completely moved out.

We should have our pre-approval letter by the end of the week to get an idea of what we will officially qualify for. It feels like everything is in fast forward now. We will have an inspector come Thursday at 4:30pm and I guess we are supposed to leave which is really weird, to think that strangers will be walking around pointing out all the things that could be wrong with our house.

Then in about 3 weeks we will have an appraisal done. So many things need to get done. On the plus side we finished painting the inside of the house and it is absolutely beautiful. I love the color and wish we would have done it a year ago but it is beautiful and now ready for my parents. I am so excited to start the house hunting process. We are about to start looking in this crazy market and it is a bit intimidating. I’m still excited even though I’m anxious.

Trusting

Do you ever feel like the universe is literally pulling you in a specific direction? Sometimes I feel that way, part of me wants to trust it and go with it. But the part of me that has experienced plenty of hiccups in life is scared that things are going too easy. Like is this all really lining up the way we were hoping for. Is it divine intervention guiding us in this path? I can’t help but hold my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop. For something to put a giant red light up preventing us from moving forward.

The job is lining up. I have turned in all the paperwork. They have to do their side of things where they call the school and get my transcripts and put me completely in the system. Now I’m back to waiting and that is also scary. There is no real reason that it should fall through. It is still nerve wracking.

I’m so excited and the more hopeful I get the more scared I get that things are going to come crashing down. It’s scary, it’s still exciting but I’m trying not to over think it. We have made the decision we are moving forward. I got the job, things are in the process there and as soon as they go through all my proof and credentials then I am all set for next year.

I am hoping that we can be in our new house by my birthday. That way we can be done with moving and settling in. That way we also get a little bit of a summer break before going back to work. I can picture it, the slower country life. I am hopeful that I can adjust easily since it will be a much smaller place. I know its past experiences that have me afraid and I don’t want to be. I can’t wait to sip tea while staring up at the stars. I can’t wait to breath that mountain air. I can’t wait to see my kids playing in the yard and having a blast. I can’t wait to see my husband slow down and enjoy life. I can’t wait for the quiet mornings and the brisk air. The mountains are calling me and if the universe is pushing me in the direction then I will go happily and try my best to just trust that things are going smoothly because they are meant to be.

In shock. Good shock.

Holy shit, I didn’t expect to get a job so quickly. I had 2 interviews lined up. I got one on Thursday during my prep. One for Friday afterschool. Well Thursdays went amazing. After school, Friday’s called and rescheduled for Monday due to inclement weather. Thursday told me they would call me sometime next week to let me know one way or another.

So I went home, called my sisters because I was obsessing already and started thinking maybe my interview wasn’t as great as it felt. I was very honest that this year was a growing and learning year for me as much as my students with fine tuning behavior management and routine and structure.
I feel way more confident then I did at the beginning of the year.

Around 5:30pm The principal from the first interview called and offered me a position in the primary grades that I love. So I accepted. I am still in shock that I got the job, the same day as the interview. I was expected to know by next week. Now the clock starts ticking. We will be moving in the next 4-6 months.

Yes that flipped from adventure to family quickly. lol oh boy… Here we go!

Taking a big step.

I did it. I took the first big step. I have put applications in another town. I am now waiting to hopefully hear something back. I am scared. I am excited and I am extremely nervous. I can’t believe we are doing this. We are really going to try to move and start our next chapter out side of the city. We have chosen to go with the country life near family.

Which if you know me, you know it wasn’t an easy choice. I crave the forest and adventure, I also want land and family. I can’t have both so it has been a long road to this decision. I am happy with our choice for now. In 5 years we will reevaluate if we are happy where we are or if we want to leave state and try somewhere new.

I am hopeful that I will be able to get a job with in the next month. It would be amazing to start the house hunting process come spring break. and have something locked in by the end of the school year. That way we can start moving right away.

I can’t believe in 3-6 months we could be living somewhere else. We could be kicking off the summer in a new house. We could be doing all the things. It is so much stuff! I just can’t believe how much we will be doing in just a matter of a month or so. I still need to get the interviews and then the contract. Here we are. Waiting for the next step.

I am so excited, and scared! I can imagine living in the country again. I want the big garden and the quiet yard. I want the stars and quiet. I want to grow our food and explore the mountains. I want to fish and camp and spend my free time outside. I want four seasons and county fairs. I want the country life. I want my kids to just enjoy being kids.

REady set go.

I think I have realized that my hometown really is a good compromise. It is greener then where we are but not as green as the other place. It is closer for us to travel and see our older sons and parents that are getting older. It is closer to outdoor fun then we are now. It is about the same cost or cheaper then where we are right now. We can get the land we crave. We would only be 2.5 hours away from several large cities. It is a good balance of what we want. We are going to go check it out this spring and then make our decisions so that I can start applying to jobs. That is all I am exhausted and excited and exhausted!