Well it’s been a little while since I posted… I really had expected to be pregnant by now… I thought that once we saw a specialist all of our infertility issues would become mute… especially considering the only issue we know about is that DH had a vasectomy…before the vasectomy he was very potent and they were able to find enough sperm to fertilize my 13 eggs even if we only ended up with 5 that we could use…they also froze some so that if these 5 eggos don’t work that he won’t have to go through his process again!
I really wanted 2 kids close in age and after having a failed cycle it is hard not to worry that it won’t happen… At this point I am just focusing on the goal of having a baby… I don’t care about how many I have or what gender they are I just want our child… I don’t want to be afraid that the 3 embryos that we have left wont evolve into anything… I’m scared and trying not to be…Red is too we are trying to be brave for each other and are constantly reassuring each other that it will work eventually…
I am really trying to be positive…but this fear just tells me that we are still not ready for our next cycle… I am glad that we are waiting till november because I am not ready and neither is REd… I want time to get a hold on my emotions better… I am really good at controlling my reactions and the way that I perceive things but I am struggling to stay optimistic… I guess I just fear that we will do everything we are suppose to with the clinic and dr and that we will end up empty handed… I worry about what happens and the heart aches that we will face if we can’t get pregnant… I have been waiting for 5 years to be able to do IVF and now that we’ve had a failed cycle we are worried that our long journey and wait won’t be over…
I’ve been so positive about everything because I feel like negativity is just a toxin to the body and mind… but honestly I am scared of what our journey ahead looks like… will it have a happy ending or will we have to rethink everything… I wonder am I meant to be a mom at all? Or am I just meant to be a stepmom? Will I ever have a child or should I refocus on the stepchildren and forget about the heart ache of never having my own? I know we’ve only had one failed cycle but I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be completely honest about the way that I feel while going through all of this… and today isn’t bright and sunny it’s scary as hell….
On a happy note we have picked out boy and girl names that we love! so that no matter what we have names that we love and that makes me happy! Hopefully we will still love them when I’m expecting!