…. What to do after a failed FET…

Well it’s been a little while since I posted… I really had expected to be pregnant by now… I thought that once we saw a specialist all of our infertility issues would become mute… especially considering the only issue we know about is that DH had a vasectomy…before the vasectomy he was very potent and they were able to find enough sperm to fertilize my 13 eggs even if we only ended up with 5 that we could use…they also froze some so that if these 5 eggos don’t work that he won’t have to go through his process again!

I really wanted 2 kids close in age and after having a failed cycle it is hard not to worry that it won’t happen… At this point I am just focusing on the goal of having a baby… I don’t care about how many I have or what gender they are I just want our child… I don’t want to be afraid that the 3 embryos that we have left wont evolve into anything… I’m scared and trying not to be…Red is too we are trying to be brave for each other and are constantly reassuring each other that it will work eventually…

I am really trying to be positive…but this fear just tells me that we are still not ready for our next cycle… I am glad that we are waiting till november because I am not ready and neither is REd… I want time to get a hold on my emotions better… I am really good at controlling my reactions and the way that I perceive things but I am struggling to stay optimistic… I guess I just fear that we will do everything we are suppose to with the clinic and dr and that we will end up empty handed… I worry about what happens and the heart aches that we will face if we can’t get pregnant… I have been waiting for 5 years to be able to do IVF and now that we’ve had a failed cycle we are worried that our long journey and wait won’t be over…

I’ve been so positive about everything because I feel like negativity is just a toxin to the body and mind… but honestly I am scared of what our journey ahead looks like… will it have a happy ending or will we have to rethink everything… I wonder am I meant to be a mom at all? Or am I just meant to be a stepmom? Will I ever have a child or should I refocus on the stepchildren and forget about the heart ache of never having my own? I know we’ve only had one failed cycle but I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be completely honest about the way that I feel while going through all of this… and today isn’t bright and sunny it’s scary as hell….

On a happy note we have picked out boy and girl names that we love! so that no matter what we have names that we love and that makes me happy! Hopefully we will still love them when I’m expecting!

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Oh November…

On Monday I need to call the clinic and let them know that we have decided to wait until November to do FET #2… The more we talked about it the more we agreed that this is the best option for us… Well I need to talk to the clinic a bit more but we want to try for an August or september baby… So I need to see if we would be able to do a Transfer at the end of November instead of the beginning so that we can try to avoid June/July…

Now I really don’t care when we have the baby so I don’t want to sound weird about this but we have several reasons..

#1. September is out because June was a terrible month for my family we have had a lot of tragedy in this month and I don’t feel that it is fair to the baby to have a birthday in a month where we are so sad…

#2. October is out because it would land at the very end of June beginning of july and if we were even a week early it would be a June baby and then we are back to #1

#3. The beginning of November would leave a big window for a July baby with our due date right next to my 11 year old stepsons birthday which would be hard on him… when we told the kids we were trying to have a baby and asked how they felt one of the first things he asked was if we would have to share his birthday and said he hoped he wouldn’t have too

So now I need to ask if we could do a transfer at the end of November… we did one last time at the end of July but IDK if it would work for November with the holidays and schedule of the clinic so Monday I will call and talk to the Nurse and ask about an end of November cycle and if she says no then I will ask about the very beginning of December… I worry about the stress of the holidays and ttc but at the same time I will be about done with my Fall semester and close to winter break plus it would be cool to find out we are pregnant before Christmas…

A girl can dream right…

Reds turn to struggle…

Today my sweet Red is having a hard time… no matter what I say he still feels like everything is his fault because of the vasectomy… he kept saying that he should have gotten the reversal done years ago and we would already be blessed… its a variable that we really don’t know… we have been told that the chances of success after were low… but he seems to think it would have been the solution… if down the road all 3 of our attempts don’t work then I think that is a route he wants to look into… he refused to think about a reversal before but now it looks appealing to him and he is nervous about having more failed attempts… I understand this feeling but I’m not sure how to help him through it other than to tell him that I love him and that this is our journey together its no ones fault… its just the path were on together!

I think part of the problem is that Red always assumed that once they got the sperm out of him that everything else would line up and we would be pregnant instantly… I think he wasn’t prepared mentally for how difficult the IVF road can be… neither were my IVF team… The nurses and coordinators all came in to give support and everyone seemed completely shocked… I was told 4 times that your so young and healthy we didn’t think there was any reason for it not to work… I feel like because they expected it to work because I’m so young and healthy they didn’t pay as close attention to me… they cancelled bloodwork because they were busy and I was mostly doing great since I’m so young and healthy… I feel like they aren’t as tedious on the protocol just because they assumed that I would be fine since I’m so young and healthy… but it just wasn’t meant to be… the shock has worn off for me and I’m doing better even though I’m not 100% myself… I’m worried about Red I need him to have faith in our doctors and clinic and be excited and ready and right now he seems pretty far from it… he blames the doctors for not paying close enough attention to me or for passing me off as an easy case because he was told we were and that the vasectomy was the only thing holding us back… I feel like he held on to that so tightly that the idea of a failed cycle didn’t really seem like a possibility… not when we were told we had a higher chance of it working than not working… The dr. is still giving us the same chance so hopefully this means that next cycle will work…

Maybe I’m not as optimistic as I used to be… maybe I had a sixth sense that this wasn’t going to work and kept myself a little more grounded don’t get me wrong I was super hopeful and very excited I had myself convinced that it would work and even though I knew there was a possibility of it not working I was still shocked when it didn’t turn out…

I am really hopeful for the next cycle but I’m a little more scared… at the appointment today they said that my lining looks ready and there are no cysts… the bloodwork showed my estrogen still elevated so they told me to take the month off no meds not even birth control and then told us to decide when we are ready and come back and try again when we are ready so after me and Red can talk a bit then we will let them know and the nurse can write me out a schedule for our next cycle! I’m excited and scared even more so that before…

I never thought we’d be going in for round 2 of FET but here we are and all we can do now is look forward and keep trying…

tomorrow is cd3

Cd3 means that I have an appointment for bloodwork and ultrasound and to see how everything looks…

If there are no cysts and my levels have dropped enough than we will be headed for FET#2 at the end of this month… things could change still but I am excited to be moving forward…

I was sad really sad the first few days…I cried alot and over thought everything from the last 2 weeks… but I am back to excited because I know those embryos weren’t ready for the world and my family but our baby is still waiting frozen for us and will be with us someday…

However I have also decided that if we can’t do it this month than we will take a couple months off to regroup and feel normal before jumping into another cycle… I’m thinking about November for several reasons including that its nice weather and I will be able to enjoy being outside so much more and will be able to do more like walks through out the day! Dh is still a bit sad over our failed cycle but he was doing so well the first couple days that we found out by taking care of me so now that I don’t need comforting he seems to be the one in pain! I dont know if he is ready for a cycle so soon he says he is ready but idk if he is really ready or if he is trying to force himself to be ready…

I will talk to the dr. tomorrow and ask a few questions like if doing back to back cycles will help or hurt our chances…  Mention that I’m sitting down all day at a desk doing school work and not getting much movement in the day so I want to know if being more active will help or hurt us during a 2ww?

I don’t think there is anything for protocol to change I just want to ask those things…

TMI

this cycle has been rough…once again heavy as heck and lots of cramps yesterday I pretty much stayed in bed and folded clothes all day because that’s all I really had energy for lol I hate my period and this time I hate it just a little more… because it represents sadness of our failed cycle… but there is nothing we can do to change what didn’t happen so the only thing we can do is look forward and move on I know that no matter the gender I will be a great mom and even though I will be outnumbered by so many males our family will be complete someday!!!!

no longer pupo

we have been proven otherwise… we are not pregnant I wanted to update friday but the paid was still too raw… I’m not really crying about it anymore and the shock of not being pregnant has begun to where off… I’m not pregnant no matter how many positive thoughts or happy feelings I have will not change that…

I wanted to blame something for it not being positive but that is no one or things fault it just wasn’t meant to be… I think the thing that hurts the most was knowing that that was our only chance to have a daughter our other 2 good quality snowbabies are boys and I don’t want to sound bad I will love my child regardless of gender… I have 2 stepsons so it would have been nice to balance our family with one or two little girls… Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to have both and since I already have 2 sons I wanted it to be a girl… but when we make plans fate laughs…

It sucks that I’m not pregnant but it hurts that I’ll never have a daughter… I am struggling with that thought and having to let go of that dream is hard… I still want to be a biological mom… but now I worry that our infertility isn’t just because of my husband… I was told so many times that I am young and healthy and the dr saw no reason for it not to work… that I had my hopes really really high…

but to be honest I don’t think there is much different that I could have done that would have changed the results… if it was meant to be than I would be pregnant right now…but I’m not so thats that…

Next time we plan on transferring one boy and the one embaby that we know nothing about… This is the one that took a day longer than the rest to become a blastocyst but it did become one… we had 9 that became blasts and then we had 8 tested and out of those 8 only half had complete dna strands we do not know about the late bloomer… we don’t know if its aneuploid or if it’s complete and we don’t know the gender… but by using that one instead of the other boy that we know of it gives us 2 good tries for a healthy baby… and it gives us a small chance at twins and smaller chance at having a girl… the majority of our embryos were boys so the chance at it being a boy is higher but it’s quality isn’t really known either so it may be fragmented and not turn into anything… but if we use both good boys and it becomes a failed cycle like this one than we would be left with one cycle that doesn’t have as good a chance as this one… we are hoping to be able to start as soon as my period begins and jump into another round but if we can’t do a transfer by the end of August then we will probably wait until november I’ll know more on monday when I talk to the clinic to see if I can jump into the next round or if they want me to wait…

I’m sad that I’ll never have a daughter but I’m not giving up on being a mother… I love my stepsons but they won’t really look at me like a mom til they are older and reflecting on their childhoods they love me and I love them but they have other mothers who make them feel guilty for loving me so they are pulled in two directions and I never want to hurt them so I don’t fight it and let them know that it’s okay to call me by my first name because I will love them no matter what they choose to call me… but I want a child that is both mine and Reds regardless of gender and without having to hold back so that I do not make the child feel disloyal or guilty for loving me in return… I just want to be a mom so badly…

All the time that we spent saving up to do this know that it was the only chance for us to pregnant I told myself that I am healthy and fertile and that if we could just make an embryo and put it in my body that my body would know what to do and take over…for 5 years I thought this… and now we put embryos in it and I am not pregnant… I feel naive even after all that we’ve been through I had so much faith in this IVF process and in my dr. that I felt like as soon as we were able to get to transfer everything would work itself out from there… but I was wrong and we are back to waiting…

10dp5dt

And I’m still not going to poas!!! It has been easier than I thought it would be not to poas… I am going crazy because I just want to know!!! lol but I am keeping myself occupied with day dreaming and a game of thrones marathon lol I only have the first 2 seasons but hopefully that changes lol and I can get season 3&4 so I am keeping my eyes open for a good deal…

I’m staying positive…just going crazy I have 2 days left! 2 days!!!!!!! I can’t believe the time to know is almost here!!! I want to know so badly I want to know if we are pregnant and I want to know if there are twins in belly 🙂 I want to know if we get to start telling our kids or not!!!

I just want to know lol!!! 2 more days to go!!!

I feel like I’m going crazy I’m trying to only think positive thoughts but there is always that seed of doubt in the back of my brain the one that worries about everything… I try to ignore that feeling and just be happy but it’s not always easy! I’m doing really good today!

I still keep rubbing my belly and asking for the babies to stay put and keep a growing for me!!! I make them promises that if the get all cozy and grow that in 9 months they can meet their daddy and brothers so they have to stick and grow first!!!! I’m a dork and am already talking to my belly but it’s part of what keeps me positive!!!!

I wish it were already Friday!!!! the nurse said she will call around noon on Friday to let us know the results! that is going to be the longest hour and half wait of my life!!!

I can’t believe it 2 more days!!!!

7 days past…one week since transfer…

Today I am struggling with my positivity! Most days I’m doing great but today I am struggling a bit… I wish that I could feel or see them to know they are okay and all safe and secure! I’m really trying to change this attitude because I think negative thoughts are just unneeded stress during an already stressful time!

But today I’m having a hard time…I just want this to work so badly that I am afraid of the what if it didn’t side of things…

I tried expressing this to Red but he didn’t really get where I was coming from and just said it’s to early to worry about it and to just not let myself go there… which is all true but it wasn’t very comforting… I’m not sure how to get out of this funk… I’m sure I will figure it out…

Just because I have a moment of worry doesn’t mean that things didn’t work…they could be cozy and snuggled in and I’m just worried because we still have a ways to go before we will know or not… and I just want this so badly! I feel like I’m walking on a cloud and I’m just worried about falling through because it’s a long way down!

This 2ww is only half way over until we know if we are expecting or not but it feels like it is dragging on… I keep wondering am I just imagining things because I feel like I’m pregnant from the bloat, nausea and hunger… I really hope it’s not just from the progesterone!

6dp5dt

So at this point in the FET cycle I know alot of women who are testing and getting positive test but I’m not ready to poas… not because I dont want to know but because I am actually nervous… I like being pregnant until proven otherwise lol… I feel positive and happy and am constantly rubbing my belly begging for my babies to stick and grow 🙂 and I don’t want to question that… so instead I will enjoy this feeling for another 6 days and then face the fears of what if…

I am happy right now and very positive I really really hope this worked… in my brain I keep thinking that it has worked and the fact that I have embryos residing in my uterus makes me pregnant even if I don’t have official word from the dr yet… but I really want that positive beta and the dr telling me it’s all good!

I think that my positivity about the situation is making Red nervous I don’t think he wants to get his hopes too high but he is feeling positive about the outcome as well and I think the wait is just as difficult on him as it is on me.. he doesn’t want me to poas either because then both of us will be questioning the test… we would hate to get a false reading so it’s easier to stay positive and wait for BETA!!! HE says he feels like a kid and its about to be christmas and he really wants to see what santa left and of course he hopes for anything but coal… lol

I have another estradiol and progesterone check on monday but as we know that just tells us that the meds I’m on are working 🙂

Friday is less than a week away at this point I’m excited and so nervous it’s a weird combination… I’m not sure how to handle it so I just try to focus on the fact that we are further than we have ever gotten and that this very well could lead to our take home baby! We could be completing are family very soon and that is exciting so I just try to focus on all these positive things that we have going on…

I’m still getting nausea and drowsiness from the progesterone… I haven’t really had anymore spots of blood a little bit of off color discharge like the kind you get at the very beginning or very end of a period so hopefully that is just a good sign for implantation… Next friday feels so very far away…

On the plus side my parents took A and D (my stepsons) on vaca with them so me and Red have been able to get some good alone time in… we’ve gone for walks…played games…and worked on some crafts to spruce up the back patio 🙂 I did the math wrong and will have to ask for another sample of the progesterone from my nurse but I think I will wait until friday to do so I have enough to last til friday but no longer so I will see if she can give me one more tube so that I can make it through sat morning I will be ordering it asap once we get the positive test but I just need enough to make it till it can be delivered I will ask them if I can either move my beta up one day or if I can get another sample…I don’t want to sound greedy asking for more but I also don’t want to miss it if I need to take it… Well I am starting to ramble so I will end this but thank you all for your positive wishes I am hoping to have great news this time next week 🙂