So I get down to the clinic and managed to get there when everyone was at lunch which was my bad, but they didn’t even have my paperwork so everyone had to scramble to find the paper work… the email I got last night said the dr. wanted to run the RPL panel… which was only discussed with the staff after the nurse sent me a new flow sheet for a transfer in January and I am not ready for that by any means and I brought up that we should probably get answers (or try too) before risking my last baby… The nurse had to talk to the dr. and the dr wanted me to come in and do blood work for the RPL panel…blah blah blah…
So when I walked in and they didn’t know what I was there for I was a little upset… I held my composure and calmly explained the situation again… they got the paperwork and told me to come back in 30 mins and everyone would be back from lunch… so I ran some errands and went back an hour later…
I get there again and this time the nurse that draws the blood asks how I’m doing and how the pregnancy is going… so I told her not so good since I’m there for the RPL panel… then the nurse has to put everything on hold and go talk to the dr. because  her paperwork only says an hcg test… then she comes back finally draws the blood and says well, we have to do the HCG test to make sure it’s at 0 before they can run the RPL panel and on top of that this isn’t part of a cycle so we will be running them through your insurance and that will take a few days longer… after we get the results (they got them this morning and hcg is at 0) then they will call back and schedule me to come in for the RPL panel… so yesterday I wasted 4 hours driving around and getting a blood test  that took 30 secs just to be told to come back in a couple days…
I’m frustrated that each and every person I talked to I had to reiterate about why and what I was there for… I was frustrated that I had a nurse telling me I was going to be starting birth control yesterday and do another cycle in January and didn’t even know that we had a negative beta just a week ago! I’m frustrated that we didn’t do these tests after the failed July cycle and that my dr. just kept assuming that because I’m a healthy weight and healthy age for conception that their would be no issues… I’m terrified of getting results that don’t explain anything or results that say that this conception thing is impossible…
I’m miserable about the fact that my ability to be a mom is dependent on how much I can afford… it took us a couple years to save up for the 23000+ costs of doing IVF… I had to quit my very physical job in order to be able to do this in the first place so I decided to go back to school and get a career that I would love instead of a job I hated so I had to work so hard to make sure that taking year or more off of work wouldn’t put us in a financial hole, which leaves us at the point that if our last snow baby doesn’t become a successful pregnancy that we will be back to square one where we will have to wait for years before we can do this again and okay I get it you can’t do fertility treatments or adoption without being financially stable but seriously I would prefer to put that money into a college fund instead of a conception fund…
Emotionally I am doing better… I’m moving on slowly but surely… I feel bad for my husband I have been a handful this last week! The more my hormones balance out the better I feel! I’m happy that we are getting these RPL tests done I’m nervous about the results but I’m happy that atleast we are doing something to try to help give our last baby a better chance! Which is why I don’t want inconclusive results because then we can’t change anything to try to help anything!
This is our last baby and I want to give him the best chance possible! My husband said that if we don’t find any answers that he still wants to proceed even if that means doing IVF again in a couple years… I don’t know where I’m at with any of it yet! I’m just trying to not mope about the babies we’ve lost! I want to get my head wrapped around doing another cycle and feeling good about it… I want to focus on the fact that someday we will add another child to our family, whether that means more IVF, or a surrogate or adoption there are still many doors to be opened so if our last baby doesn’t make it, it does not mean it’s the end it just means we have to put those dreams on hold!
I want this next cycle to work! I want to feel confident about it working so for now I’m just anxiously waiting for some answers and taking it one day at a time trying to find my way back to thinking positive because I hate feeling like sad, mad or frustrated!