Random thoughts at 1am

So I am a bit of an organization nerd 🙂 and I love to organize so yesterday I started reorganizing my desk… Red has been working from his computer a lot these days and the 2 of us sharing one desk wasn’t working very well… luckily for us my mom happened to be getting rid of her nice desk so now we have 2 and I have been slowly getting Red’s desk stuff off of mine and onto his which means that I can organize more directly to myself and I have been having fun doing so!

I also started upcycling parts of my nightstand to make it look nicer and be more efficient as well! And my snack center is a wreck so I plan to do that as well… the problem is the more I organize and decorate the more things around the house that I notice need to be reorganized so these next 2 weeks till I go back to school are going to be a bit crazy!

On another side note of my geekiness! I am waiting til at least the 1st to get a new planner…last time I had an erin condren planner that I love *even if it only has 3 calender days left 😦 * This time I’m going to get a Happy planner, I am super excited about it and I think on the 1st they are going to release all their new products I am so excited! I want my new planner now! Lol okay I guess I can wait it’s almost time…

I couldn’t wait any longer so I called the clinic they have my results the nurse said everything looks pretty normal but the doctor still needs to look over it and go over it in person with me and go over what the next step is going to be… so I’m taking that as a sign that the dr. isn’t giving up on me yet… I hope I will feel the same after the meeting on Monday! Right now I have like zero faith in my body! I feel like it’s already a lost cause but I’m still a tiny bit hopeful that this is just a bump in the road not a split! hopefully it will just result in needing some extra meds not an entire new route so I guess I haven’t given up all hope! I just want to know what we need to start planning and aiming for!

Well it’s 2am and I am still not tired I really need to get to bed!!!! If you’ve survived my terrible babbling then I applaud you and think you deserve some awesome desert as a reward!

 

 

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So many thoughts…

So very many thoughts coursing through my brain today!

First off until I can talk to our dr. I have no idea what our next step is going to be… so all of this are just the many what if questions that are circling my brain!!!

Surrogacy:

1. If we can have to do a surrogate it won’t be until the summer because my sisters schedule!
2.  I wonder if my sister would change her mind when she realizes how much is involved in the FET process…
3.  If our one and only embryo doesn’t work then we would have to do a whole knew process of IVF and that could be 3 or 4 years away before it would be possible!
4.  The legalities of medical responsibility would have to be all worked out before we could even start anything.

Adoption: 

1. It could be years before we could afford this, since the cost to a round of IVF via surrogacy through my sis and adoption are about the same financially.
2. it could be years before we get chosen after we get to the financial aspect.
3. What would we have to do to be qualified?
4. Whats the pro’s and con’s of going through an agency compared to going through the state?
5. Pro’s and con’s to open, semi open, and closed adoptions?
6. Are there classes we have to take?
7. Would we even be able to adopt before I’m done with college?

IVF:

1. Will it be possible to continue on this path.
2. Is my body even capable of doing this?
3. If I’m capable of carrying a baby but the next cycle doesn’t work will it will be years before we could do it all again!
4. How do I tuck away my fears and continue to believe in the process?
5. How do I trust my body?
6. How do I choose to put the money into my body and IVF or adoption?
7. Going through all the stimming again sounds like hell right this minute!

See so many thoughts running through my head! But it’s okay because it means that there are options our journey to completing our family is not over, it’s just on pause until we know whats next!

Were still waiting on a call from the clinic. I have no idea when this week they will call, I’m just hoping it’s soon and it’s good news like you just need to take this extra pill or shot and you will have a healthy pregnancy. But until I get that call all these thoughts and questions are circling my brain!

Not over yet!

I’m doing much better then I was the last time I posted… Time heals all wounds I know this and I know I will be fine in the end! Sometimes I’m still a bit sad at what could have been… I’m really just trying to focus on moving forward! I’m not sure of how our journey is going to change but we shall see…the only thing I really know at this minute is that our journey is not over!

We have discussed many different options but the problem is that until we get some answers we don’t know what is going to happen next…

Sometime this week we should be getting a call to let us know if the RPL panel found anything at all or if we get to go in blind and just hope again… I really don’t know and I hate not having a clue of what is next but theres not much I can do about it!

Instead I’m focusing on finding a good planner for 2016 and be happy to put 2015 behind us and start a new year… hopefully we will get answers before the 1st so that we can have an idea if we are even going to be ttc in 2016…

My biggest issue is that if we have to do another full IVF cycle or adoption that it is going to be 3 more years before we can because of my current working status but 3 more years doesn’t mean that its the end either!!!

That is the biggest thing I am focusing on right now is that no matter what these results say or what the finances look like right now does not mean that our journey is over! We will continue to pursue our dreams of having a family together even if it means having to wait longer some day it will happen!! I know in my heart that our family is not complete and that we will someday meet our child!

Blood draw day…

IDK know why I feel so weird today. I go in for the RPL panel today I’m not getting any answers today I’m just getting my blood drawn so I don’t know why I I feel so off. I would be perfectly happy moping around in my yoga pants and big floppy hoodie but I’m trying not to let myself stay in this depressed mood and if I cater to myself and let myself do it I will mope long past what I really should…I will focus on the negative and get stuck there…I’ve been depressed a time or two in my life and I know how this works… eventually I have to move forward with life and focusing on what could have been will just push me further into depression…

I’ve managed to keep myself from not really thinking about it at all for the last few days and it’s been kind of nice to be able to feel a little bit more like myself but today I think its just the reality that I’m going in to get the bloodwork done that has me feeling like I did a week ago… I had to fight tears all damn day…

I think it’s just because going to the clinic forces me to think about it. We’re not getting any answers today so I need to figure out a way to deal with all this there is no point in feeling hopeless or useless when I don’t even know if the tests will show anything…

Now I’m home they took 14 vials of blood… They are not testing for immune issues which I find odd but I’m not gonna push it yet for now I’m just going to block anything that has to do with fertility out of my head until my next period or at least until they get back with some results they said it would take at least 7 days so I don’t expect to hear anything for at least another week and a half…

I still feel a bit woozy from all that blood they took! I was able to drink some orange juice and now I’m going to grab some food and we did a little Christmas shopping and I gotta go do a little more Christmas shopping and get done with that.

My nephew is like 19 and he’s coming down next day or two. That will be a welcome distraction from all of this. I’m getting better at feeling more like myself every day I still have trouble containing my emotions and keeping my thoughts focus on positive things but yesterday I did not really feel sad at all I was just had a good day me and Red enjoyed our day together.

So I hope today I can get over this little funk and go back to feeling good. I feel like I haven’t been the best wife or stepmom (which really means doing the same thing as every other mom out there but with out the kids thinking of you as their mom) lately but I will be fine…I will get over all of this and move forward! I am frustrated as hell with everything (mainly my bodies inability to do it’s shit) but as Red likes to remind me no matter what the results of these tests it is not the end…

I hate the idea of having to wait even longer than we already have but waiting longer is better than giving up all together! Every year that my kids get older makes me a little sad… I’m dealing with the fact that I will never have the family that I pictured… have 3-5 kids under one roof and being one big happy family will never happen but that doesn’t mean that I will never raise a child from day one or that I will never be a mom to my child… I may never have biological child but that doesn’t even mean it’s the end there are many options regardless of what these test results say!

I will talk to the Dr. about immune issues and get her response before we move forward… I know I still have a long way to go with healing I don’t know if I will be healed before our next cycle but I am healing and I do know that we have a bright future ahead of us regardless of what is going on right now!

 

plans…

My plans for the day were to wake up and start cleaning like my OCD is on fire but I have managed to sit in my nice warm amazing comfortable bed and do nothing lol!

I did figure out what we are going to have for dinner and it’s a crockpot recipe… I’ve thought about posting some recipes but IDK if I should or how to create a separate area for posts all about recipes…if anyone knows how to do that I’d appreciate it if you let me know! I cook 4+ times a week and a lot of really tasty but really quick and easy meals for a family of 5 (remember my MIL lives with us) I thought it would be fun to post some of those recipes 🙂

My nephew (18 years old now) is coming to town this weekend and I want to have my house cleaned up before he gets here and I have been pretty useless this last week! But somewhere along the way I gotta get back to myself and the only way to do that is to stop dwelling and start looking towards positive things… even if I’m having trouble at seeing the light at the end of the tunnel there are still a lot of positive things in my life!

1. I have an amazing husband who I feel so very lucky to love and be loved by!
2. I have the best relationship I could have ever asked for!
3. I have 2 amazing stepsons that are so smart and funny and love me back!
4. I have  a huge family that supports and loves me and my family!
5. I have 3 sisters that have always kept me from being friendless or lonely!
6. I have an awesome brother who has the awesome capability of making me laugh and joke despite what is going on in our lives!
7.  I am working towards a career I love and not doing to shabby at it!
8. I have a nice home that I am constantly redecorating.
9. I have a decent sized yard for living in the city but I have enough room to have a small herb garden and am slowly making that a nice escape from the desert.
10. I have the best little (big) doggies that protect our home and love us unconditionally! 

sweetest most selfless gesture!

Its taken me a few days to write this just because I want to cry every time I think about it!

I’m the baby and that’s the sister closest in age to me Brit

My sister knows about everything going on!

She told me that if my body wont work for this that she would be a surrogate for me.

We’ve talked a little about it in reality mostly me telling her it is such a selfless amazing gesture but I worry what it would be like to have a baby then have to give it away I understand that it would be my baby and it’s not really an adoption but that’s still what she would have to go through… she asked me to stay a few weeks after the baby is born to help her get through post partum and come visit her as often as humanly possible…

I don’t know anything really about it or if my clinic would even allow it… I know we could do it through a known surrogate with just a lawyer and an agreement that we would pay all bills from pregnancy related…

I hope that we don’t have to go that route but it is a very sweet and selfless gesture! I love my sister so much but I also know that there is more to it and I don’t think she has fully thought it out! I know how difficult all this has been on me and I would feel bad about her going through the same thing because of me!

We won’t do the RPL panel until Monday so I have no answers to anything yet and I truly hope that I can carry our baby and just need a little more help then anticipated… I am nervous but still hopeful that my body just needs a little help and that this is still possible for us, but it is so sweet of my sister I hope we don’t have to take her up on her offer but I love that she offered in the first place and that she has talked it out with her husband before offering so it wasn’t just a random thought because she heard me cry..

 

Yesterdays chaos

So I get down to the clinic and managed to get there when everyone was at lunch which was my bad, but they didn’t even have my paperwork so everyone had to scramble to find the paper work… the email I got last night said the dr. wanted to run the RPL panel… which was only discussed with the staff after the nurse sent me a new flow sheet for a transfer in January and I am not ready for that by any means and I brought up that we should probably get answers (or try too) before risking my last baby… The nurse had to talk to the dr. and the dr wanted me to come in and do blood work for the RPL panel…blah blah blah…

So when I walked in and they didn’t know what I was there for I was a little upset… I held my composure and calmly explained the situation again… they got the paperwork and told me to come back in 30 mins and everyone would be back from lunch… so I ran some errands and went back an hour later…

I get there again and this time the nurse that draws the blood asks how I’m doing and how the pregnancy is going… so I told her not so good since I’m there for the RPL panel… then the nurse has to put everything on hold and go talk to the dr. because  her paperwork only says an hcg test… then she comes back finally draws the blood and says well, we have to do the HCG test to make sure it’s at 0 before they can run the RPL panel and on top of that this isn’t part of a cycle so we will be running them through your insurance and that will take a few days longer… after we get the results (they got them this morning and hcg is at 0) then they will call back and schedule me to come in for the RPL panel… so yesterday I wasted 4 hours driving around and getting a blood test  that took 30 secs just to be told to come back in a couple days…

I’m frustrated that each and every person I talked to I had to reiterate about why and what I was there for… I was frustrated that I had a nurse telling me I was going to be starting birth control yesterday and do another cycle in January and didn’t even know that we had a negative beta just a week ago! I’m frustrated that we didn’t do these tests after the failed July cycle and that my dr. just kept assuming that because I’m a healthy weight and healthy age for conception that their would be no issues… I’m terrified of getting results that don’t explain anything or results that say that this conception thing is impossible…

I’m miserable about the fact that my ability to be a mom is dependent on how much I can afford… it took us a couple years to save up for the 23000+ costs of doing IVF… I had to quit my very physical job in order to be able to do this in the first place so I decided to go back to school and get a career that I would love instead of a job I hated so I had to work so hard to make sure that taking year or more off of work wouldn’t put us in a financial hole, which leaves us at the point that if our last snow baby doesn’t become a successful pregnancy that we will be back to square one where we will have to wait for years before we can do this again and okay I get it you can’t do fertility treatments or adoption without being financially stable but seriously I would prefer to put that money into a college fund instead of a conception fund…

Emotionally I am doing better… I’m moving on slowly but surely… I feel bad for my husband I have been a handful this last week! The more my hormones balance out the better I feel! I’m happy that we are getting these RPL tests done I’m nervous about the results but I’m happy that atleast we are doing something to try to help give our last baby a better chance! Which is why I don’t want inconclusive results because then we can’t change anything to try to help anything!

This is our last baby and I want to give him the best chance possible! My husband said that if we don’t find any answers that he still wants to proceed even if that means doing IVF again in a couple years… I don’t know where I’m at with any of it yet! I’m just trying to not mope about the babies we’ve lost! I want to get my head wrapped around doing another cycle and feeling good about it… I want to focus on the fact that someday we will add another child to our family, whether that means more IVF, or a surrogate or adoption there are still many doors to be opened so if our last baby doesn’t make it, it does not mean it’s the end it just means we have to put those dreams on hold!

I want this next cycle to work! I want to feel confident about it working so for now I’m just anxiously waiting for some answers and taking it one day at a time trying to find my way back to thinking positive because I hate feeling like sad, mad or frustrated!

 

 

RPL panel

Tomorrow I go in for bloodwork, there going to run the RPL panel I have no idea how long it will take for them to get back to me…

I was told to call when my period started so that we could run blood work…I called today and they told me the nurse would call me back…at 20 after 5 they call me to tell me they were sending me an email…I get the email and it is a new flow sheet for a January cyle… my heart pounded so hard I’m not ready for this we don’t even have answers yet… so I quickly emailed back about the worry of another failed cycle and the coordinator emailed me back again but this time after talking to the dr. and told me to come in tomorrow for a hcg check if it is at 0 then they can run the
RPL panel or something like that…so tomorrow they will most likely run the RPL panel and then by tomorrow evening I have to decide if I am going to start BCP and be ready for transfer by the end of January…

I have no idea if I am ready for this or not… I have no idea if starting the BCP is even smart until after we find out the results on the RPL panel…. there are too many things that I just don’t know about…today I am not ready for another cycle but in 5 weeks I might be completely ready I just don’t know! I’m scared and stressed and anxious about these test results! I’m scared that we will use and lose our last embryo!

I feel like I’m stuck in someone else’s bad dream…

 

AF is here…

So it showed it’s ugly head today…that bright red reminder that my body rejected my babies and destroyed any chance at hope they had…

At least we know that the embryos are doing their job! I’m just mad that we put 4 perfectly good babies in such a bad environment they were much safer in the freezer… I don’t know anything this is just my raw emotions…

Tomorrow I will call my clinic and on tuesday they will probably have me go in to check my blood work and tell me what tests they want to run and how much that will cost out of pocket….I will then go to my regular gyno tell her about all the hell that 2015 has been and get her to run the tests to see if it is going to be possible for me to even carry our embryo… words like NK cells, reverse blood flow, and immune something or other have all been thrown about and none of them sound like they have good odds…

There is no point trying to figure out what our next step is until after all these tests are done…I’m not going to risk my last snow baby without some answers…

I don’t know which is going to suck more a defined answer or an unexplained diagnosis either way I’m still struggling to find the silver lining to all of this…

I know there are still other options out there but none of them are going to be possible any time soon…I waited 5 years to get here and it’s going to be another endless wait to get anywhere else…all I can do is push forward and hope that we get some good news like it is an issue but something the doctors can control and we can move forward with our next cycle… Well thats where I am now I’m going to go sulk a little bit about the big red “salt to the wound” reminder that my body sucks

Can I just sleep for the next month or 10

I’m a bit depressed…not surprising… but I’m also mad… Last time we had a cycle fail I tried my best to not be mad…to tell myself it just wasn’t meant to be…I was told it’s just a numbers game, that our chances were great but there was the smallest chance it wouldn’t work… I asked the Dr. if there were any tests we could run to see why my body rejected the babies, she said I’m young and healthy it’s a numbers thing and that running those tests would be pointless when everything else is looks so good…

Now she wants to run those test, she did say she doesn’t think she will find anything but still she wants to run tests for things like natural killer cells and reverse blood flow… I think she’s wrong I think that she is going to find a whole lot more then she thinks…I’m so sick of people assuming that because my age and weight that I’ll be fine…my hormones looked good but nothing seems to go right… nothing has gone right from day one… We had to save up for three years to do IVF and now it has been almost a year thousands and thousands of dollars and I’m no closer then I was when we first decided to do this 3 years ago…or since the 6 years ago when I learned that the only way would be through medical intervention…or 8 years ago when me n Red first discussed our opinions on wanting children… I don’t know much longer I can endure all of this. If we can’t use my body then it will be years on years before we can afford any other options…

Adoption is great but you’re still looking at years before we could afford that option, surrogacy is great but once again your looking at years that we will have to wait and we only have one embryo left so we just don’t have the resources to do IVF again and then do surrogacy too… With adoption I know that we won’t be approved until after I’m actual teacher so now we’re looking at a minimum of 3 years before we could even think to begin the adoption process…

there are three things in life I have known that I wanted with all my heart…

1. The second I realized I loved my best friend more then just a friend I knew in my heart that I wanted to be with him forever…
2. I wanted to be a helicopter pilot and the feeling of flying was one of the best I’ve felt.
3. Being a mom has been my longest dream and desire.

I will never be a pilot that dream was ripped away a long time ago… I feel like the dream of being a mom is being ripped away slowly and painfully but that feels like what is happening… I despise the fact that my ability to be a mom is going to be dependent on what  I can pay for that privilege first… I’m so sad and angry and when I don’t feel sad or angry I just feel numb… I don’t know if continuing this path to try to become a mom is going to destroy my sanity or if giving up would destroy my sanity… I don’t know how to fix this…

At least I will always have my best friends love…I will always have my amazing husband Red…