Best sound in the world

We got to hear the best sound in the world today!!! Our sons heart beating strong and beautiful!!! It was amazing! I was so worried we would get bad news and instead we got to hear the most amazing sound in the world! I can’t believe how wonderful it was! I got to see our little sprout he is growing and measuring right on track the dr. said he looked perfect and his heartbeat was 127 bpm! So beautiful!!! I am so happy! We also told the boys tonight it has been an amazing busy and exhausting day but I am so extremely happy!

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Today’s the day

We go in for our ultrasound today and I am really nervous! I shouldn’t be so nervous all the time but I can’t help it! I think that’s perfectly normal for our situation! It’s not because of any particular reason that I’m nervous other then fear of getting bad news! The nurse was very reassuring last week when I saw her over the whole aspirating fiasco!
Our numbers were great during beta week so I know it’s a lot of internal fears!
However if it is great news and we get to hear and see our baby then tonight we will be sharing the good news with the kids! This is partly where I get nervous because I would hate to tell the kids bad news later but there is things I can’t do that I normally do and I know they are getting suspicious of what’s up with me! I’m about to get us a roast going so that no matter what we have some awesome comfort food!
Wish us luck! Our apt isn’t until 2:30 pacific time so we still have a ways to go!

weekend yay!

I’m so happy that it’s the weekend because this means that we only have to wait through today (which is almost over) and tomorrow then we finally get to the ultrasound! I feel like it has been another 2ww except at least this time we have the best reason ever to be super hopeful!

I still get random cramps and that makes me worried! I also have been nauseous and exhausted these last couple days which is reassuring I’ve been lucky to only gag and not actually get bad morning sickness (hopefully I’m not jinxing myself)!

I’ve had a friend come over the last 3 days and give me a shot which has been super helpful since I now I have to constantly pinch the skin since we are closer to the hip bone now but pinching the skin and keeping the needle partially out while aspirating is super difficult! So thankfully she’s been very helpful!

I haven’t had much energy this week which means I still have homework to do tomorrow! 😦  but that’s okay it will help the time pass! It’s going to be really hard to concentrate at school monday morning when all I want to think about is the ultrasound! Yes I am still nervous about getting bad news but I’m also just trying not to think about bad news and just staying extremely hopeful that we will get to hear and see baby soon! I keep reminding myself that our Beta’s were great and indicated that everything was looking great at this point! I’m happy that we are halfway done with the first trimester I can’t wait to be all the way done and have a bump that will constantly remind me that everything is okay! I think I will get a bump soon I am small framed and every time I gain even 5lbs it’s noticeable so hopefully that will mean I get a bump showing quickly!

I still hope and pray on a regular basis that baby will be safe and growing strong inside my womb and that my womb and body will do what it’s supposed to do to help keep baby strong and growing!

Join me for another rollercoaster ride…

So I was having some issues aspirating and getting blood back up the needle this happened a total of 8 times in 3 days so I called my nurse the 3rd day and I had to go in to make sure their was no infection and for her to show me alternate ways to do the PIO shot…The good news is I have no infections… I guess I was doing the shots too low and was near a major artery and many other smaller veins so they are having me do the shots up higher now and only insert 3/4 of the needle instead of the whole thing!

On top of this I have gotten a few rashes randomly so I’ve been instructed to use benadryl cream on it when it happens because it could be a minor reaction or it could be from the oil getting hot and being closer to the top of the skin causing an irritation…

On monday the dr. is going to decide if she wants to lower my dose of PIO and add in crinone! I’m nervous about the crinone because it costs a pretty penny a friend has offered me her remaining stock if I need it which I am super thankful for as that will help reduce the burden greatly!!!! so now I just have to wait until Monday to see what the dr. wants to do!

Monday feels closer and so far away! I can’t wait to see little sprout and hear his heartbeat! I’m a bit nervous and at times I feel like I’m out of my mind with worry! But yesterdays meeting with the nurse was reassuring I told her about my fears and several of my breakdowns and she told me not to worry that I will see on Monday good things and that don’t feel guilty when I cry I’m on the max amount of hormones so there is no controlling my emotions so just cry it out and then give myself a treat!

3 more days til the Ultrasound and I am super excited and a tiny bit nervous! Here’s to hoping and praying that baby is safe and growing strong and that my body is doing what it needs to in order to grow baby strong and healthy!!! I’m now half way through the first trimester yay! I can’t wait to be out of the scary first trimester and into the 2nd one!!!

6 more days and procrastinating…

So much to do and I’m so lazy! All I want to do is lay down and watch some netflix and snuggle my hubby but I have homework to do so instead I’m procrastinating! Can I call procrastination and desire to be lazy a symptom? Probably not but I’m blaming it on it anyways 🙂

My MIL is over right now having Red show her how to use her computer a bit more but it kinda bothers me that she is here… Only because A: I want to be super lazy and she makes me feel guilty for not having my house nice and clean! And B: because I want to make DH cuddle and be lazy with me lol…

Seriously though she came into my bedroom and there was a few pieces of paper that had fallen on the floor and she starts picking up around my bedroom which means she’s probably trying to clean my counters and table out there and while I should be thankful for her help I feel like it’s my job to clean the house and it makes me feel guilty for not getting a lot of my “chores” done this week! (or last week)!!!

So my counters are messy and gross and well I’m a bit nervous to use heavy chemical cleaners and lift much so I tend to avoid the problem is that I’m the only person in the house that cleans the kitchen and well most everything so now the house looks like crap and my old fashioned mother views that as my fault since I’m the mom of the house. Red says he’s going to help out but he was suppose to vacuum last week and that never happened so I know he intends to help but it doesn’t happen so with neither of us cleaning my house is a disaster and not something I want my MIL to see or feel like she has to clean!  ALthough we did get a bunch of yard work done over the weekend ( I planted a couple flowers and made the kids snacks n drinks while they helped Red work!) I still don’t like people in my house when it looks this terrible! Especially since my MIL can be a bit judgemental she’s had 6 kids and cleaned house then so I should be able to keep my house clean with only 2 kids! She doesn’t understand the fears of miscarriage and doing anything that could hurt my baby because she’s never been in this situation!

I know I’m probably being overtly  sensitive but my emotions are all over the place so instead of being productive or going out and cleaning I’m in here typing a blog! oh procrastination! When I lay down in bed I don’t feel as tired or nauseous but when I start doing things I feel so… blah! I wish that I had full blown morning sickness that would give me a piece of mind!

Honestly I have been on a crazy rollercoaster and I know it just stems from the fear of everything going good and being terrified that it will all disappear and we will be back to square one of infertility pain and misery! I can’t wait to have the first trimester done and over with so that I can breath a little easier and hopefully not be so crazy! I know I’m just afraid that it’s too good to be true and that I will lose this baby too! Like seriously afraid! Everytime I sneeze or cough hard I get worried, every time my symptoms are super mild I get worried! Every time an appointment approaches I get worried! I am a ball of crazy y’all!

I’m not all negative though yesterday me n Red happened to be at walmart picking up a calculator and some other items REd needed for work and we walked through the baby section and talked about what kind of stroller and car seat we wanted we got a few ideas on prices for those things and some others like a bouncer/rocker thing, crib, mattress, other little necessities! Then we saw some super cute clothing and Red bought our first onesie set! So even though I’m afraid I am still extremely hopeful!

Someday our little sprout will get to wear these and they are sooo adorable!!! 6 more days until Ultrasound when we will finally get to see our little sprout! I have my fingers crossed that we get to hear a beautiful heartbeat I’ve heard that sometimes you can’t hear it if it’s to early and I’m not sure how far along we are exactly I’m waiting for the dr. to tell me next monday! I am super excited and nervous! I hope with all my heart that everything is still going smoothly!!!!

8 more days til Ultrasound!

I am excited and a tad bit nervous still! I really hope the first trimester can slip by fast so that we can be past all the major scary milestones! I really hope that we will get to see and hear a beautiful strong heartbeat on the 29th! My fingers n toes are crossed and I’m hoping with all my hope that it is a great wonderful apt!!!

Yesterday I got super mad at my husband’s stepmom she crossed the line a few times and it really upset me but I need to just remind myself that she doesn’t know me and honestly she doesn’t know my husband either. Sadly his father was never in his life and he’s only met his stepmom and dad 3 times in his adult life and that’s it! In the last 5 years she divorced his dad and has tried to build a relationship with us but the thing is that bitch is crazy!!! Yesterday she went all crazy on me and I had to be the bigger person and just walk away because the argument was going nowhere! In there though she had the nerve to tell me I wouldn’t be where I am without my husband and while I love him and his support my successes are my own just like his successes are his own! I will support him and we have been best friend and in each others lives for the last 13 years we have only been a couple for the last 6 years… We literally were best friends long before we realized that we really loved each other more then friends and even that took a while because we were both in denial! But she just really pissed me off! I felt guilty that I got so mad and let someone that I barely know affect my emotions I’m pretty good at brushing things off and walking away I worried that I put so much stress on my body and baby! But I’m not going to worry about it now no point in adding more stress! Red joked that I”m pregnant with a boy so I’m more aggressive…

Today is going to be a busy day! I’ve got a messy house! 2 homework assignments! Taxes to file now that my proof of insurance is in! Once we file our taxes then I have to file for the fafsa for school and get that going as well! And we need to do some major spring cleaning on our yard! Of course I’m not doing it all by myself and plan to have the boys help me big time! No heavy lifting but I need to plant some plants and redo a few things to get my yard all nice and I’m super late on getting a bunch of my seed growing so I have a lot to do today! The plus side is that it is going to help pass the time and it will be bed time before I know it and one day closer to Ultrasound!!!

I am really excited for Ultrasound I can’t wait to hear the heartbeat and see our tiny sprout!!!

The next 2week wait!

We have 11 days until our ultrasound and I have to be honest it’s a lot like the 2ww for beta except we have good reason to have our hopes high! And there is more exhaustion and nausea in this 2ww then the last one lol! I’m a tad nervous but mostly just excited! I really hope that sprout is growing strong and my body will do what it’s suppose to in order to protect and grow our baby! I am really looking forward to getting out of the 1st trimester worries! I know I still have a long way to go but I really hope that it all goes well!

I am trying my best not to stress myself with any negatives! It’s hard at times I think I will feel better after the ultrasound! I’ll be honest I’m a tad nervous about the U/S! I still worry about everything going wrong but I’m trying my best to just stay positive and keep doing what I need to do! I also have a ton of school stuff this week and next week so I think that will help time fly and help distract me! It may sound weird but I constantly visualize a little bean with a heartbeat going strong and that seems to help me stay focused on the positives as well! I also like that my beta was so high because it too helps me feel reassured!

After our ultrasound we plan to tell the kids and then tell my parents! Which is exciting I don’t think we’re going to do as much this time just hopefully show them the U/S and cook a nice meal! We already told Reds mom she found out about transfer day on accident so Red had to keep her updated! My parents know that I we are still trying but they don’t know where we are at in a cycle! My oldest Step son has walked in on me doing my PIO shot so he knows we’re doing something too but has no idea exactly what or where we are at in the cycle either but he’s 17 and smart so he has an idea that we’re still trying for a baby but he doesn’t know for sure that we are pregnant! So waiting until the 1st trimester is over won’t happen but we are going to wait until at least the first ultrasound before we tell them!

I’m super nauseous this morning like afraid to even brush my teeth because that might make me sick so instead I’m sipping on water and will brush them as soon as I take my morning shower! Getting myself going for the day has been super hard today! I swear I woke up tired and it hasn’t gone away lol! Honestly I prefer these days where the nausea is bad and the exhaustion is extra because it helps me feel more confident that everything is going right!

11 more days till ultrasound our fingers are crossed that we see a beautiful heart beat then!!!

Beta week hell!

2/12/16

I’ve been scared on and off about how beta week would go! so far it is going great

The first beta is 700!!!!! I can’t believe it I am truly in shock it is that high I was hoping for high numbers but it took me by surprise! My nurse says that beta one says we are very pregnant and beta 2 should look fine too!

I am a tiny bit nervous about it but not nearly as nervous as I was yesterday!!! I’m so excited right in this moment that I can’t even think straight!!!!

This was so much higher than expected! Wow!!! I am so happy! Fingers are crossed tight for great news on monday as well!!! I had to order some more meds which is never fun on my wallet but I’m happy to order it! I only ordered one vial of progesterone and one box of patches but I hope that on Monday I will be able to call them and order another month’s worth! But since it is so expensive I’m just ordering what I absolutely need for now I don’t know how much or how long I will be on the estrogen patch or the progesterone so I’m just going to take it easy and not worry about it until we get there! Or how much my insurance will cover once we tell them we are pregnant so I don’t want to order more then I need to!

Well even typing seems super difficult right now so I think I’m gonna end this and not actually post it until the end of beta week!

2/15/16

Today was BETA #2 and drumroll please!!!! The beta is 2591!!!! That doubled and doubled! I am so happy I was so worried that my extra freakout over the weekend put a bunch of stress on baby boy and I worried for nothing lil man is growing just fine! This eases a lot of stress! I’m still nervous as we still have a long way to go before the first trimester is over but we are over the moon!!!

We will have our first ultrasound in 2 weeks and that day couldn’t come sooner! I am so very happy! I really am in awe! I can’t wait to hear that heartbeat! I am looking forward to so many things but we are still taking it one day at a time! I told lil sprout that he is grounded to his womb for at least 33 more weeks! hehehe I’m really glad that I am in school right now because that will help keep me busy for the next 2 week wait! Well I am super happy and thats it for now so I will do my lil update

Pregnancy- super early still!

Bump- no just bloat!

Symptoms- exhausted and nauseous!

wedding ring- fits fine!

newest experience- I can smell everything and it’s not good!

Meds- prenatals, PIO, Lovenox (belly shot), 3 estrogen pills a day, estrogen patch changed 2x weekly, Medrol, aspirin, and benadryl (because I have a mild allergy to Aspirin)

Paranoia

So I am extremely paranoid apparently! My son D who is 17 and weighs about 175 lbs gave me a big hug and put a little extra weight on me! He is much taller then me and likes to drop his weight on me when he gives me a hug!  realistically it wouldn’t have been any worse then me holding a 40lb small child I don’t think ! but it freaked me out I went pee later and swore I saw a pink spot on the toilet paper! I had a small cramp right after he did it and it has freaked me out ever since! Which means that I am super paranoid! I’m afraid that at any minute we will get bad news! This is a terrible way to start out Valentines Day but I have been afraid all last night and that fear crept into my dreams and gave me nightmares about having another miscarriage! I woke up still a bit nervous! I don’t know I’m still anxious about what the results will say on Monday! Fingers crossed for some big numbers this time!

When D comes home from Grandmas I’m going to have to tell him he can not hug me like that he’s just to heavy to do that anymore! I think it will help ease my brain but nothing is going to help ease it until after I get results on Monday! I hate being scared and it’s not good on baby so I really need to take a chill pill! I just don’t know how right now!!! Shoot my sister had a toddler around 4 years old and like 30 lbs and she constantly had to pick him up and cuddle him while she was pregnant and it didn’t cause any complications infact all of my sisters have had to do that with at least one of their pregnancies so having a moment of extra weight shouldn’t have me so paranoid!

I hate feeling this way! I just want to be happy and positive but the truth is after multiple losses it’s not easy to just be happy and positive! I can be happy and positive and scared and nervous! No wonder lots of women refer to this time frame as Beta Hell Week!

Between my Shot panic attack last night and then my sons giant hug my nerves are shot! I’m worried about the amount of stress I put on myself on top of everything else! Please dear God help me get through this week, help my body do what it’s suppose to and help this baby grow strong! Fingers crossed for great news on Monday! Hopefully I find a way to destress and calm the hell down! No matter what this year is going to be a great year!

*update*  I’m pretty sure that I am just a wackadoo! Today I have a big bruise on my butt from my vein knick but I’m fine just a little sore on that side! Also I had a stupid stomach ache and now I think that is most likely the reason I had so many cramps last night! In addition I put a 3lb (remember I’m a wackadoo) weight on each shoulder and it felt the same as when my kiddo gave me a hug so I really think I was just being overly emotional last night! I think I am still super afraid to believe in this cycle for fear of the worst so I keep waiting for bad news to strike! so its official I am crazy lol I can’t wait to get my results  tomorrow I really hope it’s good news and will help me feel better and more confident in this baby! well more confident in my body not so much my baby! So fingers are majorly crossed for some good news tomorrow!!!

scared myself!

So I gave myself a shot in the rump I even aspirated the needle I saw a big bubble come up the syringe so I thought cool it’s good then I finished my shot when I pulled the needle out there was blood in the syringe and it freaked me out! I gave myself a little panic attack! I called the nurse but the office was closed so they had me forward her a message! I still haven’t gotten a call back and that was 50 minutes ago! So I called my bff who assured me that if I was going to have something bad happen it would have happened already not a half hour  later ! So here I sit coming down from an anxiety attack! I feel dizzy from the anxiety which I have had panic attacks before and always feel dizzy afterwards! I also got a little rash looking thing which makes me wonder the other night when I got the rash thing if maybe I had nicked the vein or straight been in the vein before! Plus last time I filled up an entire cotton ball with blood and this time I didn’t fill up a cotton ball with blood an the rash/hive thing wasn’t nearly as big as it was last time so I think I mighta got it in the vein the other day and today maybe I just barely nicked the vein! Either way it terrified me! I’m still shaking from it! I’m a little irritated that the nurse hasn’t gotten back to me this is the only time I have ever called freaking out!

Trying to do homework now feels impossible! I have been exhausted alllllll day! Ready to fall asleep and this anxiety attack has only made it worse I am sure I will go to bed early tonight! I’m all ready for bed now! I just want to go to bed and wake up feeling better then I do right now because then I wont be thinking about the fact that I might have put my progesterone straight into my blood stream! I know it has been an hour since I did it so at this point I am fine but its still scary! It’s times like this that I wish Red would not be afraid of needles and would just give me my shots! It’s hard to see that area and make sure that I’m not in a vein!