Frustrated….

I’m frustrated! I’m frustrated at my body…I’m frustrated at myself…frustrated at my hospital…frustrated at my Dr…frustrated at a few friends/family members!!! Yes in that order!

Let’s start with my body…I’ve always felt like my body didn’t work right…from the time I was born I’ve struggled with hypoglycemia…when I got my period (@ 11years old) I had really heavy and long period… when I was 14 my cycles went crazy and I was having a period twice a month I had to be put on birth control pills to regulate it…I struggled with infertility because of rpl… then my cervix didn’t want to cooperate…then my nipples were inverted and I struggled with breastfeeding and had to use nipple shields (I am thankful that I can produce milk)… all this has been frustrating as my body just never seems to work right and now to top it off I seem to have not healed quite right…

I’m frustrated at myself… for not going in sooner to be honest I was hoping it was all in my mind and things would get better but since it doesn’t seem like it is here I am! I’m frustrated that I didn’t stand up for myself more during labor I should have demanded a C-section when his heart rate dipped from pitocin and my contractions stopped from the epidural… I didn’t fight for myself much I did everything I was told to and things kept going worse all the way through the labor you can read more about that here if you haven’t already read my terrible labor and delivery…
I’m frustrated at the hospital for not listening to me… repeatedly! I grew tired of arguing and gave up and just went with what they were telling me!

I loved my midwife but I begged her for a C-section and she talked me out of it…I’m frustrated that if she had listened and went with my gut that I would be done with all this…she kept telling me that my healing time would be so much better this way and now I’m being sent to a specialist…

I’m frustrated at my friends and family that kept telling me that I didn’t want a C-section that I’d be happier in the long run… still today telling me it would have been more painful to have a C-section…my Dr.told me my recovery would be just as painful as a C-section and now it has gotten even worse…

The lesson I’ve learned (1 I thought I had already learned through infertility) is to listen to my gut! To trust my instincts and to fight for those instincts! To fight for myself I had no problem speaking my mind but I let others persuade my decisions and now I’m paying for it!

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Thinking out loud

It has actually very productive. Not so much this morning as I took my usual morning nap and just cuddled with Dalton all morning. But after mid-morning nurse I got to work on my school work. I got three assignments done and only have one class I need to work on tomorrow.

 I might start on math either tomorrow or Saturday because next Monday and Wednesday are going to be crazy and my assignments are due next Thursday. I will be watching my nephew who is 6 days older and Dalton. Which means I will have to infants and school work. It’s going to be insane but if I get a jump start on it this weekend and then it won’t be too bad.

I can’t believe how much my little boy has grown already. Feel like everyday I see him grow he makes big strides from grabbing things to focusing on what he wants. He smiled and it takes over his whole face I know any day now he’s going to begin to laugh. I can’t express how much I am loving motherhood to an infant. When I’m at my older son they are already past the infant stage. The middle Sun was an infant when I met him but that’s what I was just starting to really become friends with my husband. And we were friends 7 years before we started dating.

I love all of my children even when they’re being buttheads. My old is 18 now and thinks he is an adult. He doesn’t realize how childish and immature he is being. Which is typical for many 18 year olds. The problem is some of the choices he’s making could affect the rest of his life. Hopefully he gets his s*** together because it’s come to a point where I cannot force him to make the right choice I can only be there for him and express what the right choices are, but he’s the only one that can choose to do what needs to be done. It is beyond frustrating!

When your adult children start making crappy decisions can’t help but Wonder have I been a bad parent. Did I do something wrong with my parenting. Did giving him every opportunity to make the right choice end up spoiling him to the point where he thinks that everything should be handed to him but life will just work out because he simply wants it too.? Where did he get the sense of entitlement from when me and his father have worked extremely hard for everything that we have and everything that we wanted. Providing him with everything he’s ever needed and him never having to struggle for anything his life did that make it so that he’s become lazy and entitled?

There been times that we’ve spoiled them with things like vacations and birthdays and Christmases but our house has rules and discipline. There have been clear rules and guidelines for what we expect of our children and why we expected. They have been clear consequences for certain choices and actions. It’s not like we’ve solely spoiled and never show the kids what was right or wrong and how to behave. So where is the size of entitlement come from? Why has it become okay to be lazy and still expect to have everything you wanted? I love my kids but trying to be a parent to an 18 year old is hard

It begins…

It’s 1 am and Dalton is wide awake. I think it’s maybe because we some what messed up his normal routine at night time. Me and hubby went out to eat dinner we got home at 8 o’clock. While we were at the restaurant Dalton took a half hour nap just long enough to give him energy. He did not go to sleep until about 1:30 then he was awake 2 a.m.

And then again at 4 and 6 and then 8 a.m. and then he slept until about 11:30 I took a nap with him between 9:30 to 11:30 with such a long night I am exhausted. I feel like this was a glimpse into the semester. I woke up exhausted and had to get on my school work. About every 2 hours I had to take a break from my school work and feed him there are times that I had to stop doing my school work in order to entertain him. He took 2 naps today. One was an hour the other was 30 minutes.

 I’m currently using speak to text on my phone while burping him. I’ve also got laundry going and dinner going. I still have two syllabuses and quizzes on them. I will also need to give him a bath in about an hour take a shower myself and I hope that we can both get to bed at a decent hour. Most Tuesdays I will have to go to my college but it will be in the evening after Red gets home. Today was exhausting but I think this semester will be manageable.

How to feed you baby!

​I want to discuss the three options for feeding your child… in no way do I think there is only one correct way to do this… 

So first let’s talk about formula…

I had always been told that formula is easiest route to go… you can feed your child anywhere…when they get bigger they can feed themselves…you have no restrictions on your diet…if your child has a sensitive stomach there are many Formula’s designed for all different belly needs…

However, I personally have had to use a breast shield and find that having to wash it after each use is a pain in the ass in the middle of the night… which makes me think that getting up to have to make a bottle in the middle of the night would be a pain in the ass too!!! Not to mention as a new mom I find that doing every day chores more difficult like dishes and all the extra dishes from bottles would drive me nuts! 

Second breast feeding…

I have run into my own difficulties with breastfeeding as I mentioned before I have inverted nipples so they don’t get hard enough or stay hard enough for him to nurse on so I used a nipple shield to nurse with and it has allowed me to exclusively breastfeed! Luckily i dont have a supply problem! I know that many people have many issues with breastfeeding and the stress can be to much for  them to handle!! Especially during the sleep deprivation and all the craziness that comes with a new born!!! 

I am enjoying breastfeeding even with my nipple shield!  By 6weeks I was able to completely ween off of it! Out of all the things that I’ve been dissapointed in with my body I’m glad that I am making milk enough to have a healthy baby! I was worried that my body would let me down again! 

Lastly, pumping…

I thought pumping would be a pain in the ass but it was much easier than I had anticipated even with a manual pump! However I go days without pumping and I can’t imagine having to do it every single time! I’m trying to do it more regularly like once a day I’m hoping it will be easier with an electric pump! 

Getting a pump… advice wanted…

I have a manual pump but I’ll be getting an electric pump on Tuesday! I’m really curious to see how much different it is! 

I really need to commit to pumping at least once a day! I’m going back to school soon and for Dalton will only eat once or twice no more than three times a week from a bottle and he eats 4-6 oz each feeding so I want to have about 24oz a week in the deep freezer … which is about all that I have right now so I need to work on that stash big time! 

I’m gotta remember to pump every day! I tend to forget and only pump every couple of days… I’m hoping it will be easier with an electric pump! 

Part of the problem is that Dalton eats every 2 hours and at night I sleep when he sleeps so I guess I need to start pumping after he finishes eating or an hour after he eats… I’ve read that pumping in the morning is when I will get the most but as soon as he wakes he gets hungry! I’m not sure… Any advice on pumping is very welcome and wanted!

2 weeks left…

I only have 2 weeks left of my maternity leave! Then I will have roughly about 56 hours of school work a week! Most of that time I will be able to work from home! Luckily!!! However,  I could use some advice! I know that it is going to be difficult! I’d love some tips from parents who work from home with an infant at home!

So far, I have devised a plan and hopefully it will work! Mostly it’s about making a schedule and sticking to it!

1. I’m going to try to start work by 10am
2. Work during his naps
3. Get Dalton to bed by 8:30 so that I can get an extra hour of work in
4. Read him my text books instead of baby books he gets to be read to and I get some of that precious reading done!

I’m really nervous about this coming semester I know that I need to just power through school I’m just about half way done so i really need to just push through! I enjoy school and learning but I’m not going to lie and pretend that it’s easy just because I enjoy it. I’m nervous about my grades taking  a hit. I’m worried about the stress of getting everything done while taking care of an infant! I’m stressed about the time that I will be away from Dalton! Everything is going to get real crazy really soon and I’m nervous about it!

I guess this is the next chapter in my life, a full time mom and college student it’s only for 2.5 more years and then I’ll be able to close that chapter and be a full time working mom instead. So I’m going to figure it out as I go!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone! 2016 has been one of the most amazing years of my life! It was really wonderful! I have documented it about every way I could! I did weekly photos, blogs, and videos!

 I’m honestly a semi private person so all this over share was a little out of my comfort zone but I have loved it!!! I started this blog because I had so much on my mind but I didn’t want to share with my friends and family in my real life.I didn’t want to hear how I was worried for nothing… I didn’t want to get a bunch of unsolicited advice…I didn’t want to see the pity in their eyes as our journey was getting more and more complicated so it was just easier to not share but all the stress of keeping it all in made me feel like I was going to collapse from the weight of it all! Being able to type it out and find such a wonderful group of people going through the same thing has been amazing! 

I am still in shock that my gorgeous son is here! All the endless dreams have finally come true! For years this is all I have wanted! Being able to hug and kiss him makes the years of pain and losses seem like a life time ago! 

I used to get annoyed when I would hear people say that once I finally had my own child the journey to get their wouldn’t matter anymore! In some ways it is true but I also think that the journey has made me cherish every moment! Every sleepless night and screaming baby moment has been cherished because there were times I thought it would never happen! 

With 2017 here I know it will be a good year no matter what! My biggest goal is to continue to focus on the now and cherish every moment!

I have some smaller goals too…

1. Get on a schedule
2. Lose 25 LBS
3. Stay on the honor roll
4. Finish my associates degree
5. Start working on my bachelor’s degree

Here is a picture of my gorgeous son who is getting so good at holding his head up

Every day I see more of his personality develop! They really do grow so fast it’s amazing!