All the projects…

I always have a list of things I need to do! That’s just the way I handle the chaos that is my life!!!

I feel like I have so many projects and only touch them once in a while. Today I got my fishtank completely scrubbed clean! I have 2 homework assignements completed (2 to go) and I’m starting to be worn out!

Another project I really want to do is spruce up my blog… I want to add pages with different sections from my tons of posts… such as one with my just my IVF journey, another with all my FET’s and misscarraiges,  one for my pregnancy, one for college mom crap, I want it reorganized and easy to access old posts…

I want to go through IVF again and when we finally get there I’d like to look back on my first journey and remind myself what it was like, I want to have a lot of the same positive I had the first time I Went through it before I knew I was going to have RPL problems… I know I won’t be able to get the whole innocence back but I Want NEED to be positive!

I’ve had other IVFers ask me what it was like and I’d like it to be easier to point them to my journey… so you will see new pages pop up! but I want to make it more visibile being grey on lavender makes some things hard to see… but right now I don’t have the time I’d like to dedicate to it… but I’ve started the project, even though it’s still an active work in progress!

I need to reorganize my desk and my room, I want my house clean, and I want to sleep! I’m not sure how I will accomplish it all but I want to, and I will…eventually!

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SICK and tired

Tags

college, college mom, daycare, Kids, mom life

No, literally, I mean this! We’ve been sick all week and I am super tired! I even called school off for the week because I just can’t handle being in class and spreading this flu/cold crap that I’ve had! However, there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel, I am feeling much better today! Except, now I have a ton of homework I never managed to work on this week! IT is Saturday and most of my crap is due Sunday-monday!!!

My bestie said she’d come over tomorrow so that I can work on all my crap that I need to get done!!!! Which is overwhelmingly a lot to do!!!! Tomorrow I gotta start early, and work late!!!!

My laundry is overflowing, my dishes are overflowing, the fish tank is dirty! The floor is dirty! I can’t see the surface of my desk!!! Basically my house is complete and utter disaster!!!! Hubby was awesome and came home and helped take over the night routine so that I could just lay down and get a break!

Being sick has sucked but the whole week hasn’t been horrible! I got lots and lots and lots of snot filled cuddles! Dalton sleeps pretty good when he’s sick! Once he even slept 6 straight hours it was amazing! Just what this sick mama needed! I hope his good sleeping continues when he’s filling better! We watched a ton of movies and cuddled on the couch for hours! We colored, and redecorated the whole house (especially the dogs) with stickers! It was so wonderful to just get time with him! Life is so busy but I am so happy to get time with him!

Starting tomorrow I am back to my normal routine of a crazy hectic life! Hopefully I can get caught up and then rest all of Sunday!

 

Nap time…free time?

Today is the first time this semester where I have free time. I’m not rushed on a deadline for my school. There was no work today due to a long holiday weekend. I could clean house but honestly when is there not house work needed to be done? It’s nice.

This morning Dalton woke up super early! 6:30ish an hour before his normal wake time and I couldn’t get him back to sleep. He nursed a lot and didn’t want breakfast. We went to the local library and had toddler story time and he LOVED it! He interacted with other kids, he chased bubbles, he danced, he clapped, he tried to get into everything he could think of touching! IT was wonderful (and made me feel a little better about him starting daycare soon)!

We went and got a few groceries to hold us over through lunch and because I nothing to eat in the house for lunch. I still need to make my big grocery list but I just wanted some eggs and fruit for breakfast.

Came home, my middle son A, helped unload the groceries while Dalton ate cheerios and babbled excitedly about the stamp on his hand to Adin, I cooked me some eggs and made coffee, but before I could eat it Dalton was having no more of the slow long morning and demanded a nap, it took just a few minutes to get him to sleep.

Then I finally got to eat breakfast (at noon) and drink my coffee while leisurely reading emails and looking at my todo list for the day!

I still have plenty to do, make a meal plan for the rest of the month, and a matching grocery list. Put laundry away, clean the kitchen (especially after I made a huge mess in there last night!) possibly clean my desk. maybe even get ahead on some homework!

Even though I have a lot to do today, having a laid back me time after nap time has been wonderful!

You know what would make today perfect? If Dalton would sleep through the night tonight! Okay, now I’m just making grand wishes, but I’m always hoping that tonight will be the night he sleeps through the night!

Thoughts and feelings…

Life has been crazy! Between school, sleep training, working, and every things else, things have been crazy! Somehow in his craziness my mind still wanders… writing helps me feel so much better because I can get all the crazy out of my brain…

I love my husband so much, and I really love all my kiddos, I also really want baby number 2! However, I feel guilty, my hubby wanted to be done having babies a long time ago, then I entered his life and he has bent all his rules. He never wanted to get married again, yet here I am. He wanted to be done having kids by the time he was 45, we got pregnant the year he turned 45 and yet here I’m asking him to have another baby with me. He has agreed and says he loves watching me as a mom and loves the idea of having 2 kids close in age growing up together… but I feel bad that he is bending all his rules for me, bad that his entire life has been filled with nothing but raising kids… I never look at our age difference because it honestly never interferes with “us” but when it comes to having kids I do look at it and I feel for him. I literally think this man will do anything and everything to make me happy.

On another thought, once we were given the opportunity to make it happen (except we have to wait a year)… I realized that because I thought it was impossible I didn’t let myself go there… however, now that I know we can I have realized how much I want this to happen! I want to have another baby. I want to cradle a newborn and look into their eyes again. I want to see Dalton holding hands with his little sibling as we walk through the park. I want to raise 2 kids and have them grow up together! So many things I can imagine…

I am afraid that it won’t work and we wont end up with another one after going through IVF again… I’m afraid of going through the pain of miscarriages… but the possibility of having another baby outweighs all the fear! I was strong enough to get through it once I will be able to get it through it all again!

Sleep training update

so we are going on 2 months of sleep training and I honestly did not expect it to take this long! During week 6 we had some sleep regression which really sucked considering that we had made good progress! During week 4…3 of the 4 nights we got 5 hour and 3 hour stretches at night I thought there was a lot of hope for something great to happen! Then during week 6 we were back to waking frequently… him not wanting me to leave his room… crying if I got to far away from him! Waking so often I couldn’t figure out what the heck was going on… separation anxiety? sick? What…

Then I was playing with him and as he laughed with his head back I saw it… more teeth! On there way in, little white bumps behind swollen gums…. finally we figured out the reason why sleep had regressed horribly!!!

Week 7 has been better with only a few bad nights but most nights he’s been sleep 2-3 hour stretches so its not great but it has been nice compared to week 6! He’s letting me put him down still slightly awake again so I think we are moving in the right direction again!

I have faith that before next semester he will be sleeping through the night and I’ll be feeling well rested once again! I really want him to be well rested! I’m worried about how daycare is going to affect him and his sleep! I hope that we can adjust quickly to our upcoming schedule…

I’m so worried that daycare is going to be hard on him! IDK why I’m so afraid of daycare! This is completely uncharted territory and it terrifies me!

I’m completely afraid of that he’s going to be sleeping like crap and that it’s going to make adjusting so much harder!

Thoughts and plans

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while you are well aware that I am a planner… I’m an over planner… I plan to make plans… I enjoy planning it helps me feel centered especially when life is chaotic… you might also have noticed that when things stray from plans it stresses me out to the point of near panic attacks! (I’ve had a few panic attacks in my life but luckily it’s not a major problem in my life) but planning is what makes me feel sane…

Right now I have several plans that I/we are making and it’s one of those things where all of them are for the future and it’s difficult to feel like I’m impatiently waiting again… it’s nice to have things to work towards though…

Here’s my current list of plans that are all going to take a lot of time…

1. Planning on my career
   1. finish college
   2. sub while in college to make important career contacts
   3. make coworker friends now to help later
   4. get a job at a school somewhat close to my house
2. Plan on moving
   1. get the heck out of heck (I am not a fan of where I live)
   2. research places that will accept my degree
   3. research different cities/towns that fit the criteria for me and hubby
   4. make criteria list
   5. finish paying off current house so we can sell when we want to move
   6. plan out vacations to our favorite top 5 spots before we commit to moving
3. Possible baby #2
   1. Try to make it a financial possibility
   2. make a tight budget and stick to it
   3. Pray that our insurance situation stays the same so that we can do it again!

ANy one of these plans can end up derailed and that worries me!

PLan 1. When I was trying to be a pilot I was near the end of my training when all hell broke loose and stole my dream away from me! I think because I’m getting close to the end of my training again I’m a bit afraid that something will happen and I will lose my dream again!

PLan 2. I want to move so badly and I have for so long that I worry that it’s just a fantasy instead of being able to happen… my hubby feels the same way but he too has wanted to move for so long that I wonder if it’s just a pipe dream or if we will be able to make it happen… We would love to move in  It’s going to take a lot of planning (yay) and work (boo) to be able to move…

PLan 3. It is a very tight line we have to walk if we want this one to happen! I would love to have another baby! I would love for Dalton to have a sibling to grow up with… yes he has 2 brothers but the age gap is so big he will pretty much be raised an only child… I want him to have a sibling close in age t play and explore with! However, there is still many what if’s to happen to make it all work that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. My biggest concern is if something happens to our insurance (which is a possibility) then we might not be able to make it happen… We are saving up and hoping that during 2019 we will be able to do IVF again…

So many things to think about so many things that could change our plans… But I am hopeful that all three plans will be have come to be during the next 5 years! in December of 2019 I will finish college hopefully by Jan. 2020 I will be working! Hopefully We will be able to get to do IVF during 2019. Hopefully we will be out of this city before Dalton starts Kindergarten! So many things to hope for.

Just because I’m hoping and worrying about the future doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying life right now! I’m super happy to be able to get this experience at my University! I’m loving every single day with Dalton, he is such an amazing and beautiful little soul! My heart feels so full and happy each and every moment with him! Life is so much fuller with him here!

Happening all to fast…

Tags

college, daycare, married life, mom life

This is my 4th week of a 16 week semester! Which means I’m a quarter of the way done! I’m at that fun stage of college where I can see the finish line and it’s close but still kinda far away… It’s frustrating and exciting at the same time… but I’m getting closer, every day is one day and one step closer…which in ways makes me want it to all hurry up and fly by…

On the other hand having it fly by means that Dalton is getting older everyday too and I don’t want his childhood to fly by! I feel like my older boys have grown up so fast… there is so much I wish I did and so much that I know we did… it’s hard… it’s hard to think that I’ll blink and Dalton will be starting school… its hard to think that I’ll blink and Adin will be graduating high school! I can’t believe Devin has already graduated! He’s such a kid still, it’s hard to see him as an adult, especially when he still acts like a young teenager…

Crazy to think about!

I’m looking forward to having more time with Dalton… I will love being on the same schedule as him once he’s in school! However, I’m anxious about him starting daycare! I finally got the call that he will be starting daycare in April. I know the next 3 semesters I’m going to need him in daycare, but it’s hard to let go. It’s hard to take that step that puts him away from me for hours every week! He has to go full time to keep his spot but I can go visit him at school… I’ll be having a parent orientation here soon to figure it out more…

Dalton is still sleep training and it can be hard… it was starting to go really well and then his canines starting coming in looks like 3 of his teeth are on the way! poor guy! So last week was tough and this week has been okayish…  On sunday REd took over at the 6am wake up and let me get a much needed 3 hour stretch!

Speaking of sleep! I have so many thoughts to sort through, but right now Dalton is zonked out and I’d like to get some sleep before he wakes up again! So I will try to get back to this as soon as I can!