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I think one of the biggest things having a baby has taught me is that things won’t go as planned. Children especially small children make every week a little different…
Last week Dalton felt good, he went to daycare everyday and I got so much done that all of our home time was focused on just doing family things… My homework was all done a head of schedule and our house was clean it was a very productive week!
This week has been the opposite of that… Sunday night Dalton had a fever… All day Monday he had a fever…Tuesday morning he had a fever, but it broke and the rest of the day was fine… The daycare has a 24 hour no fever policy (I completely agree with it) but that means I didn’t get anything done those 2 days… I did get lots of cuddles and little sleep but mostly lots of cuddles… We did have fun together despite being sick… Wednesday I did get a lot of homework done but not all of it! One big project is done and I have one more due next Tuesday! I had planned to get a lot done on Thursday (today) but that didn’t go as planned! I ended up going to this baby consignment store because it was the last one for 6 months and I wanted to find some toys that go inside or outside… Luckily I found some but it was clear across town and by the time I got home it was 1:30 I went to the store and then ran home and cleaned the toys and put them together… By the time I was done it was 3 and I was feeling guilty that I’d ran around all day doing things that I could have done with Dalton so I went and picked him up and then surprised him with his new toys!
I feel guilty when Dalton is at daycare and I’m not getting a ton of things done… I feel like they will get more time with him than me and I don’t like that! I want to be his primary care taker and them to just be there when I have to get things done! Like go to class, work, or work on a ton of homework… He has to be full time to hold his spot at daycare which is 4 hours a day 5 days a week minimum, which doesn’t sound like that much but it is, especially on days I work he is there for 8 hours, class days he’s there for 5-8 hours so it ends up being closer to 35 hours then the 25 hours and I’m not a fan of that… So I feel like crap today that I wasn’t productive… I was happy to play with him for the hours that he was awake after we came home… but I find myself missing him so much! I know daycare is necessary and eventually he will be there 40 hours a week but I just miss him!
I wish there was a way to have it all, be a stay at home mom, while enjoying a career, and making a salary! Unfortunately that is not a reality! Reality is I need to make money, so I might as well do it in a career I can enjoy, hence the back to school plan. I have 3 semesters left, and then I will have a stable career that will support us and give us a better life in the long run… As a teacher I will get holidays off, a long summer break and winters off forever all 13 years of his education! This will be better for us in the long run but right now it is a sacrifice I have to make… I miss him so much and I am sacrificing our time together to give us a better future… I am sacrificing my wants and needs to make a better life… I will get over my daycare guilt eventually but today it sucks!