Life isn’t bad! Dalton makes everything better! AS wonderful as he is he doesn’t take away general life stress! Being his mom is the best thing ever! but this last month has been pretty crazy and my brain is just barely getting a chance to wrap around all that has been going on!
First, I had huge projects and final exams to get through! I worked more then I normally do in a month but it still hasn’t been that much… but all combined it was a lot!
My 13 year old is finishing up 8th grade and heading towards high school which has been a strange bundle of emotions and I’m not ready to see him grow up this fast! (much like his older brothers its just to much) and while I wish he was 100% my kid the truth is that he is my stepson and we have a complicated relationship because of his mom (who is in and out of his life) and now pending her court case over being arrested and an admitted addict who goes back n forth on her current drug of choice is going to be moving back here and that is stressful… we never took 100% custody because for the last 3 years she’s been on the other side of the country supposedly sober and only saw A 3-5 weeks out of the year… but now things might have to get complicated… again… Taking full custody (even though its 90-10 split) will cause a lot of problems…
My 19 year old is doing a ton of things that is not okay and is going to lead him down a path that is going to be damn hard to come back from… I’m pretty sure that he is doing some kind of drug (he denies it) because otherwise I don’t understand how he could literally steal thousands of dollars (over time) from his loved ones without any reason… of course he denies anything like that but why would he admit to it we don’t have proof like someone seeing him but all the signs other then having a literal video of him doing it are there… of course he denies it but who wouldn’t he wouldn’t be stealing in the first place if he was honest and open and doing the things he knows he should be doing or even doing anything at all that he could be proud of…and there have been dozens of times in the past where he was caught .. but he’s getting sneaker and bolder going for ridiculous amounts of money at a time in the last 2 months he has taken around 1200 from different members of our family…. it’s scary and heart breaking to admit… in the beginning I believed his lies, mostly because I wanted to believe his lies… I didn’t want to accept the truth but no matter how hopeful of a parent I am its not random strangers skipping over other valuables and going to specific places and things to know exactly how to get things without setting off the dogs or anything else… it’s just illogical to keep pretending all these things aren’t interconnected and that it’s not him! This is one of my biggest stresses and I’d be surprised if by the end of the year he’s not homeless or in jail because of the choices he continues to make… it hurts to admit and it hurts to think about… it just hurts to think that this is the life he is choosing…
My mother in law is in a horrible situation and the only way to fix it is to help her out financially which could mean possibly trying to get a home equity line of credit or refinancing the house both options are terrifying! It breaks down to a greedy private mortgage company trying to take advantage of an elderly single lady! IT is horrible but it is also terrifying, I cannot imagine her having to try to find a new place to live at 80 years old, her place isn’t only a couple years away from being paid off and she is like a year and a half away from retiring! so IDK exactly what we are going to do but it is scary to have to put our home at risk in any way the whole situation is terrifying… she has a lawyer and he is fighting it but he also said the case could take longer then the amount of time we have and the best thing would be to pay off her house all together and keep fighting the court case…
Somewhere during all of this we have talked about our next round of IVF which I would love to do but it’s hard to think about when there is so much going on… I honestly feel like if there weren’t so much stress from my oldest son it would be easier to go forward without reservation… I really would love to have another child but I’m afraid to go through it all again… I’m afraid of dealing with the stress my oldest brings, school, and adding IVF to the plate… I’m not sure if we are going to move forward with it sooner then planned or not yet… when I think about everything it makes me want to wait but on the other hand the stress will pass and doing it sooner will give Dalton a sibling close in age to grow up with… the stress will pass but having kids and raising them isn’t something that will change it will only get better in time…
Then I go to a whole different kinda crazy thought like what if we go through it all and have no child afterwards? What if Dalton was more luck than anything else? We don’t have proof that it was the immune protocol that was the key factor or if it was just luck that Dalton was strong enough to survive whatever it is my body through at him… What if we go through it all again and don’t have another child? IVF is a wonderful opportunity but it is not a guarantee…
It’s not like were doing IVF tomorrow so I have plenty of time to sort through all these thoughts and frustrations…fears and hopes… no matter what I know that we will make our choices and face them together! My husband and I will grow closer and stronger when we get through all the stress and eventually everything will be okay… one day at a time… one breath at a time… For now I will continue soaking in every wonderful moment I get with Dalton and A…
lovingthemarriedlife 