Yes!!!!

I passed my Praxis exam!!! IT is the final exam that I needed in order to become a teacher! I still need to do my student teaching but I am so happy to have gotten this done! And I did pretty good when I looked up the scores and it was broken down I did better then I thought I was going to!!!

I’m so happy to be do with that exam! So happy to be have it done and be one step closer!!! My goals are almost complete!!! I’m so close to becoming a teacher I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am so stinking happy about it!!!!

Thank goodness! I’d like to say my college education is coming to an end, but that’s not true either… I still have a ways to go but I am one step closer to becoming a teacher and to be able to start working, making money doing something I love and getting closer to being debt free… Also it means we are closer to being able to get away from the hot desert we live in now and move somewhere north with a higher elevation and greener landscapes…

But once we move, I plan on going back to school to get my masters… We want to move in 3-4 years and that will give me time to feel more confident in my new career as well as more financially stable…

Right now I am celebrating the fact that I have passed my Praxis 2 exam and I am so much closer to my goals!!!!!!!!!!

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29 week update

I’ve had so much on my mind with my mother in law that I haven’t updated much on the pregnancy…

Baby girl is doing well as far as I can tell…

I can finally feel her moving around a lot more now that she’s getting so big, but it’s still not that drastic compared to Dalton… gotta say I prefer a posterior placenta over an anterior placenta because you feel movement more and so much sooner it makes bonding with the baby easier… not saying I haven’t bonded but it’s been easier to “forget” that I’m pregnant…

I’m so tired, again…. I feel like I need a nap everyday… (after I write this I’m totally going to lay down!) Even when I haven’t done a ton of stuff I still want/need a nap…

I’ve gained about 17 pounds so far which isn’t bad considering I basically have 10 weeks left… so even if I put on a pound a week I will be under what I gained last time… which doesn’t matter much, I’m really not too worried about it… baby girl gaining is way more important than whether I gain to much or too little…

Acid reflux is mild, and I still am not craving water which means I am having to really remind myself to drink water… cravings aren’t extreme anymore but I also can’t eat as much since I feel like she’s pushing on my stomach a whole lot more…

I did have another stupid minor bleeding episode… but it happened in the morning so I was able to see my dr instead of having to go to the hospital and it was much more reassuring… I’m back on modified bed rest, pelvic rest, strict weight limit for lifting, and a relax order which hasn’t been easy with all this family stress…

I am on maternity leave kinda, technically I would be on summer break regardless of pregnancy but I’m looking at it as if I am on maternity leave so that’s fun… I haven’t done diddly squat this week on my to do list, but that’s okay I’ve needed a mental and physical break after all that has happened with MIL!

In a couple of weeks I have my next growth scan to see how baby girl is doing… I’m really looking forward to seeing how big she is and making sure she is doing well! I also have an appointment on July 1st with the dr. that will be doing the csection and I am hoping that I will get to find out when we can schedule it for…

 

 

Ding ding round 2…

This morning my MIL had some more issues which required another trip to the hospital… She will be headed to a rehab center tonight and while she is there she is supposed to have a conference with her primary doctor and her case manager… I have no idea what to expect or what will happen from here…

Jean checked out of the hospital last Wednesday after she refused to do or work with the doctors at the hospital… She was not really in the physical condition to come home, but she did… It was good in some ways, like us getting to have our conversation… but she was clearly not in as good of health as she thought she was… she pretty much went straight back into her ways… she smoked 4 or 5 packs of cigarettes ate a bunch of junk food, went out to the casino and then on the 4th day she started having stomach pains and some other issues that were bad enough that she who hates going to the dr. called 911…

I’m not sure what is going to come out of this… I made it clear how terrified I was of her coming home when she wasn’t healthy and was unwilling to do things to help her medical condition… However, our conversation seemed to go really well but she seemed to flip flop on her feelings from moment to moment… one moment she thought assisted living was a great idea, the next she claimed we were trying to send her away…then back to how nice those places could be… I have no idea if she’s going to come home after this or if she’s going to stay at the care center… I think a lot of it is going to depend on what her conference with the doctor and the case manager go…

The last time she was in a rehab center the dr. wanted her to stay there, but Red and JEan convinced the doc that accommodations would be made at home, including hubby going to training on how to administer medication through a pic-line and proving that certain bedroom modifications would be made… This time he says he will not convince the doc to send her home… we are not her care takers, and we have literally made ever accommodation that we can make to our house, schedules, dietary and other needs to accommodate Jean, the only thing we can’t do is be a nurse to her daily. But honestly that’s what she needs a nurse who can visit her several times a day to make sure her leg wound, bed sores, and breathing are all monitored and taken care of as needed…. I know she feels like it’s needed but at the same time she feels like she is being pushed out. When she thinks about how it affects everyone she is all for the center but at the same time she would like to die at home…

I’m trying to just observe and not say anything… I don’t want her to feel like I’m forcing Red to help her find a center… This whole situation is frustrating… I am the kind of person that if I say I’m going to do something I do it, If I have a problem I look for a solution and then make a plan on how to solve the problem and with this situation I feel stuck unable to do or say anything… it’s like I’m watching everything happen and wishing I could somehow make it better…

Difficult conversation

Hubby talked with Jean yesterday and it went better than planned in some ways and others it was what I was expecting…

She started out not wanting to talk about anything at all and frustrated that we were having the conversation at all… There were tears and yelling on her end and my hubby was very calm and patient and calmly expressed all of his concerns and told her it wasn’t easy for him either but they still needed to talk… She was yelling about not wanting to do any treatments and not caring if she has cancer or not and that she didn’t want to think about any of it…. By the end, the conversation was very civilized and she was willing to participate in the conversation…

We did not bring up the whole care center thing at all, only our concerns about her medical needs and our ability to meet those… We expressed how this last call was so close and if we hadn’t been home we would’ve been too late and how terrified we were and still are…

We told her she needs to think about what her plans are for the future and what our role in that is, we told her we are thinking about her needs and the needs of our family and how they all tie together…

After all was said and done SHE brought up how maybe it’s time to look into assisted living facility or care centers… Since it is a holiday weekend she said that on Tuesday she will call her case worker and discuss her options and how to proceed further with this plan…

I am surprised and I know this is only the start of the long process ahead of us but I am so glad that she was the one to come up with the plan to move forward… I am happy that something is moving in the right direction… I also know we will need to stay on top of this path and help keep it moving forward but I am glad that it has begun one of the hardest parts is over with, the part where we tell her our concerns and how she will need to be in a center so that all her needs wll be met.. that is the hardest part the next is just going to be helping her with the process and making it happen… There will come a time when we have to help her do tours and pack and all of that but at least it is all moving forward… I am relieved… my anxiety is way down… I am still afraid that shew will pass away in our home, but until she is in a care center I will continue to worry about this since the mass and her oxygen is still a major concern… but atleast she is willing to look and begin moving forward…

I’m personally hoping that she will be out of the house sooner rather than later just because of all her major, scary, health concerns she has right now… I know that her passing away is a real possibility… so hopefully she will get into a center soon so that she has the medical staff needed to help her…

starting to nest

Well I guess it’s official I’ve started nesting… I didn’t think I was in this phase yet, but today all I want to do is go through baby girls clothes and take inventory of what sizes and how many of what that we have… I also keep thinking about all the things that I want to do, and what I want to make…

I have literally started a list of what I am going to do!

I already have 2 freezer meals in the freezer for the future and want to make like 18 more… because I want like the first month of meals taken care of so when I’ve been planning meals I also am making a double batch to freeze half or throwing the ingredients into a freezer bag so I just have to dump it in the crock pot n walk away…

I’ve even talked Hubby into putting the crib together so that I can put all the baby stuff in there so that it won’t take over my room as much… but I also need to get baby girl a mattress… and eventually I’ll need to get some bottles for when i have to go back to school but I don’t have to worry about that until January so I’m just going to get the mattress and call it done there I have plenty of everything else…

but I want to get baby girls area slowly set up… I also really want to get some things organized and clean around the house but being on modified bed rest makes everything take longer because there is only so much I can do without help… and I hate asking for help so it gets frustrating but hopefully I can get something done… plus preparing for baby girl makes me happy and staying busy helps me focus on something other than the Jean situation….

Too much

Tags

care centers, elderly parents, family, nursing homes

Honestly this whole mess has me mentally and emotionally exhausted… I know my hubby is feeling the same! I wish I could pretend like it’s not going on and just go on with my days but it’s effecting me way to much… when I get this stressed I have a very hard time sleeping… I’ve been up way to late because I can’t close my thoughts down… it sucks big time…

I wish I could feel different… I wish I were more like my hubby and could compartmentalize my stress… he has a way of shoving his stress into the back of his head and not dealing with it unless he has too and I can’t handle it… I face my stress head on and try my best to navigate through it all and resolve the dilemma but this isn’t something I can resolve on my own…

There are so many people that have to be involved in all this… it just makes this all the more complicated… I think we have a game plan at least on how we want to start all of it…

1.Hubby made a list of question and concerns he has for Jean…. He did it while he was at work and had planned on coming home and talking to her today but managed to forget his list at work (not sure if he did or if he just needed another day to process it) either way that will happen tomorrow if he happens to forget I’m going to have him email me his list so that it can be printed from home if need be…

2. We’re going to give her time to answer (only a few days because Jean will drag things out in hopes that everyone gives up on an uncomfortable conversation) If she has answers already awesome but we are not expecting it… so we will revisit the conversation in 3 days… that’s enough time for her to put some deep thought into our concerns and to think about things she might be avoiding but not so long that she will try to just brush it under the rug in hopes that we will move on from the conversation…

3. Afterwards we might need a few days to process her responses… no matter what though we are going to tell her that we love her very much but that her health is to important and having her live with us is too risky she could literally pass away at any time her o2 is not above 80 when she was on constant oxygen and she hasn’t been on the constant oxygen since she’s been home she only puts it on when she’s going to sleep…

4. were going to ask her what the process is and offer her any assistance in finding a care center that she is comfortable with… we will help arrange tours and meetings, we will help her with process as much as we can but she has to be the one to call her case worker but we will be there to support her in the meetings and anything like that…

I don’t know what other steps will get added… I don’t know what the process will look like… I know what it looks like without insurance but I also know her insurance will play a part and I know that she will need to do a follow up with the oncologist after her biopsy on the large mass in her lung… having that diagnosis will help define what the the path for finding a center will look like, and how much her insurance will help…

Semester is over

I’m happy the semester is over but I’m still overwhelmed with all the BS going on in my life right now…

So my MIL is coming home tonight after refusing enough treatment she is getting sent home because she refuses any help the hospital can offer her… and that terrifies me you can read more about that here if you missed that blog...

I’m really glad school is over but a little sad I won’t be graduating in december you can here more about why that is here if you’d rather watch the video update…

I had another bleeding scare yesterday and am back on modified bed rest again! IDK if the stress is just to much right now… or if I’m over doing it… I tend to clean and submerse myself in busy work when stressed and apparently that’s taking it’s toll… or maybe it’s the fact that I keep running around to much and lifting too much with the whole chasing a toddler stage of life I’m also in but it’s been a rough week…

Well off to go submerge my feelings in comfort foods of cornbread and home made chili….

Stressed… scared…

Tags

in-laws, married life, mother in law problems, real life problems

What a fricken week! MIL is still in the hospital… the bleeding has stopped but with her on max oxygen they can’t keep her levels where they need to be… they did a CT scan and found a mass in her lung but it’s too close to her heart to do the exterior biopsy so they will have to go through her lungs and put her completely under which requires a specialist dr. so now they can’t do that procedure and will be keeping her another day which has her so pissed off she’s debating checking herself out and just coming home… I understand she is frustrated but I also know Jean well and I know that if she comes home she won’t do the breathing treatments instead she’ll just puff on her inhaler… right now on top of the oxygen they have her on a nebulizer with a crazy strong abuterol that they do every four hours on the dot… she says it’s an inconvenience and truly believes that her inhaler could do the same thing….

We won’t know if she has cancer or if it is a cyst they can remove because she won’t do the follow up procedures… she can’t hardly move and I’m in no condition to be lifting or moving her about… So she’d be in her room not getting the oxygen she needs because she refuses to do what they are doing because “it’s an inconvenience” she won’t do the follow up because “it’s an inconvenience” in the mean time her not doing these things could actually kill her… and in her own words, she’s ready to die anyways… but the things that gets me is that she would rather come home and die and put us in the situation of having to find her and the trauma that would cause to my husband and my teenager (and myself) then stay there and get the help she needs…. getting into a center isn’t a quick process and not having this diagnosis will make that process even longer (she worked for hospice a long time and she knows this) which will make the her passing away at home all the longer (which based on her comments is how she would prefer to go) …

in the meantime this mass is killing her and if it’s a cyst they could remove it and her quality of life and her life expectancy would increase dramatically… yet she doesn’t want to do any of it… I’m so frustrated… if it’s a cyst and they can remove it then she will live longer, she’ll be more comfortable with being able to breath and do the little things that will make her life more enjoyable…. but she doesn’t really want to find out in her own words she’s surprised she made it this long so their is no reason to try to extend that… if it’s cancer she’s already said she won’t do treatments… if it’s a tumor and not a cyst the dr. doesn’t think she’d survive the surgery to remove it and it will slowly close off her lung…

Fine you don’t want to treat it and make yourself live longer or make your life easier that is your choice… but I feel like she needs to consider how her choice is going to affect everyone else at home… you don’t want to stay alive for us, well I can’t change her mind I can’t make her want to live but it’s not fair that your going to put us in the position of having to watch you slowly die… I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m scared… and I know right now she is just thinking about what she wants and not trying to intentionally hurt us but this feels extreme… I’m scared of her coming home, hubby is trying to convince her to stay so that she can get the procedure done but she is arguing it… and I’m terrified of her coming home and passing away because she won’t take care of herself…

Crazy semester

There were many times I felt overwhelmed this semester! Many times I felt like I wasn’t handling it and I was barely juggling it. I even blamed not feeling as confident this semester due to just being pregnant and juggling it all. The truth is this semester was super overwhelming. Here’s a glimpse back at my semester…

I had to take 5 classses and do my practicum… all together about 50 hours a week dedicated to my school… I had to take a educational leave from work just to balance it all…

It starts out with me having morning sickness and exhaustion…3 weeks into the semester we caught RSV and as we were getting over RSV we caught the flu… Dalton had 3 rounds of antibiotics to get rid of an ear infection…RSV lasted us 2-3 weeks and the flu lasted about 3 days… it took 6 weeks to get rid of the ear infection…

We were healthy for about 2 weeks and then my sibblings came down and I had a baby shower…

One week later I got in a car accident (very minor one) and ended up having a bleeding issue that sent me to the ER to get an NST and check on baby girl… at the end of that week I had to do a 900 mile round trip to see my sick grandma… A week after I got back I had midterms… we were healthy for about 3 weeks and grandma finally got sent home and was doing better…

3 weeks after all of that and once again I had another bleed that sent me to the hospital again to get checked out and got put on a pelvic/ strict no lifting restraint for at least 2 weeks…

Then we had a cold hit us and I had final exams, preparing for a huge test for not only my education but for my career… Then my mother in law gets sick and I have my very last final exam… Not to mention that my MIL got sick the morning of my giant career exam… so to say that this semester was overwhelming due to the work load or due to pregnancy might be an understatement! I’ve had wayyyyyy to many stressful things all in the last 16 weeks!

I have to finish one exam tomorrow but I am glad this semester is over! I’m glad to finally get a break… there is still a lot of stress mostly just concern for my MIL and having no diagnosis is making that all the more difficult to process… but I’m glad I will get a break from classes to just focus on home life and pregnancy…. I will have another post out soon on some of my plans for getting things done during my summer break….

Not sure how to feel

Part of me is so conflicted… I want to voice my concerns but I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to force anything to happen or be the bad guy… How do you tell someone that you love that you don’t want them to live with you?

How do you tell them that you think it’s best if they go into assissted living because you are terrified of finding them dead one day? How do you let them come home when you know they will not take care of themselves and you cannot take care of them or force them to take care of themselves?

How do I go about being heard and not seem  like I’m trying to hurt anyones feelings? 

I don’t know… I’m not going to bring it up yet I have time to figure out how to have this talk with my husband and with my MIL but I can’t sit idly by and watch her derteriorate infront of me anymore… I can’t risk the possibility of my teenager coming home and finding her dead… I can’t even imagine how I would handle it if I found her like that  and imagining my teen being in that situation is unfathomable… I won’t let that situation become a reality, I will have to have that conversation even if everyone is against it, (which I don’t know how they will take it)… I will wait a few more days to think it over and figure out where my husband is at with this emotionally and mentally to figure out how I need to approach this… but I can’t risk her not getting proper care just because I don’t want to hurt her feelings she might not take her health seriously but I do! I also take my kids and husband and my own health, emotional and physical health seriously, her coming home is not healthy for anyone in any way! 

My husband is concerned that she is going to pass, and honestly I don’t want to think about that I am trying to stay positive that she will come out of the hospital healthier than she was when she went in… 

Today she refused to drink a special drink that she needed in order for them to preform a colonoscopy so that they could find where she is bleeding from… so that is postponed and I am hoping she will drink the whole drink tomorrow so that they can find it and help her but part of me wonders if she is refusing for a reason… IDK how to feel or what to think…