Ideal birth plan

I had a meeting with my doula today because tomorrow I’m going to talk to my csection dr. and I asked her to go with me to my appointment since my husband can’t make it… We had a long really good conversation about it and then she asked me to write out my ideal birth plan so that I can go into this appointment with a clear picture of what I would really like the most to happen… She told me to write it as if it were my birth story and how I would like to tell my story for this birth… So that’s what I’m going to try to do now…

My ideal birth story this time around would go something like this.

I get my epidural and go back into the theater where my husband and doula meet me. My husband has his hand on me to help comfort me while my doula is telling us calming thoughts and helping us stay relaxed and in the moment. My doula also has my camera and takes pictures/video the moment baby girl is born. They hold my daughter up over the curtain and we wish her happy birthday. As soon as they cut the cord they place her my chest and we stare at each other for a moment lost in our first meeting. My husband looks at her adoringly and my doula captures the moment of our first family meeting. My husband kisses me on the forhead lost in the moment with me. They take my daughter away for a moment to weigh her, My husband gets to give her her first bath.  My doula stays with me as they finishing stitching me up. As soon as we get to my recovery room my daughter is placed back in my shaking arms to nurse for the first time.  We lay there nursing both of us cuddling with our bare skin.

If I could dream of how it would go this is how it would be.

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Waiting on the stupid dr.

So were waiting on the primary physician to do her physical and a tb test… of course it gets requested by the social worker… they don’t respond… we call them and they say said physician is booked all of next week so they probably can’t do it then since the tb test has to be done and then 2 days later he will have yo come back to check the results….

I find it odd that the same neglectful physician came out to check on her and promised to help her get into a group home 3 weeks ago never did the physical or tb test at the time knowing she woukd need it to be placed… It also wasn’t until a week ago that he even sent the paperwork over to the social worker to help start the process…

I’ts frustrating especially considering that this is the same medical group that helped release her against other doctors (5 other doctors to be specific) orders even though they never visited her in the 5 weeks she was in the hospital and rehab center…. I honestly feel like it has been their lack of action and help that has landed us in this situation in the first place! They promised they could provide her with the care she needed from home and then couldn’t keep their promise and now we are facing an investigation with Elderly Protective Services for neglect… We have to basically harass them to do any of the things they say! We have to call and ask question daily or else things just seem to get swept under the rug and forgotten! The people that started the investigation aren’t just pointing their fingers at us! They told us that her whole house calls care team is under investigation as well since they are supposed to be providing her with the care she needs to make independent living possible!

Now we are looking at a couple more weeks before they do anything that they are supposed to do? It’s madness! You would think that with them getting the blame as well that they would be doing something to help get her into the group home that she needs to be in! I’m trying not to do things the rash way but if we talk to them next Monday and they have some ridiculous time frame before they can get her in I will find out if we can get her TB test and physical done at an alternative location. I already called the nearby Walgreens and found out how much it would cost if they cover it so she could go in  during next week any day!!! So we will see what they say Monday, if her doc can’t make it out next week we can get her in tuesday or wednesday and on Friday to make sure it get’s done! I also know there are temporary placements that we can get her in as soon as tomorrow according the the Elderly Help Resource people! So if her Dr. is going to try to drag this out I will take other actions if necessary! 

I’m a little worried this is going to burn the relationship I have built with Jean but at this point this mama bear is more concerned about protecting her family than anything else. That includes protecting Jean even if she doesn’t want to see it that way! I love her and she needs the care she deserves! Last week on Sunday her normal CNA was out of town so house calls was supposed to send somebody else out to help get her cleaned, bedding changed, and out of bed. They never even showed up! Way to drop the ball again house calls!!! Which I will let EPS know about for sure!!!! Hubby helped get her outta bed and all that stuff and we helped her get dinner which is a normal event in this house anyways but what if we hadn’t been home that evening she never woulda got out of bed or been able to get to the fridge or anything and that’s not okay! We almost went out that night it’s a good thing we didn’t!

Either way I have a back up plan for getting her physical and TB test even if that means I pay it out of pocket, because she will have to pay for her RTC ride there and back twice! It’s nice to have a back up plan! It’s nice to feel a little bit more in control since up until now everything has been out of my hands!

 

Poking the Bears…

Heres another part to the WTF saga that has been playing in my house for the last 2 months (much longer but this is as long as I have brought up anything)! Today the physical therapist (PT) that threatened us with police action came over. Now mind you I actually like the PT! I feel like she is seeing a situation and trying to prevent an elderly woman from slipping through the medical community cracks. I compare it to a teacher that is speaking up for a child who might have no say in the situation… So she comes in and the first this she asks me is where we are in the process of finding a group home, I tell her about how Jean spoke to someone and is waiting on a call back about which homes are in her budget and have availability…

She says “I hate being the bearer of bad news but I’ve had to record each of our meetings and my supervisors were reviewing the reports and alerted Elderly Protective Services. There will be an investigation. I have noted and documented that you and your husband have been advocating for her and have been trying to cooperate and find her a better situation but there will still be an investigation.”

We  had a long talk about it and I even asked her that if we need a witness that we have been trying to get her house calls team (this includes her doctors, nurses, wound techs, and CNA) to take care of her the way she needs and to help us find her a better situation. She agreed to be our witness that we are and have been actively trying to find her the care she deserves for a long time. We told the hospital and rehab centers the same thing when she was with them, that we can not provide adequate care for her, and her house call team doesn’t seem to be providing her with the care that she needs either and are disregarding our attempts at finding a better solution.

But My fears coming true! I was afraid of her situation getting worse and being a reason for EPS to get called because of someone pointing a finger at us since it is our house she is living in… My husband was furious and called her house calls case manager and chewed them out (again) over their lack of professionalism and care for Jean and basically told them it’s their fault that EPS has been called because they released her from the care center after we told them the situation and how they said they would be responsible for setting her up with the care she needs and it still wasn’t good enough.

Jean blamed the social workers for not getting back to her about the group home situation. So I got a hold of her social workers and found out that they have reached out to her numerous times and she hasn’t answered her phone. They had told her she was going to need to call this other number to get the process started and that she would need to meet with her dr. to get a TB test and physical because they would need that before she could move in anywhere… she new this on Monday and conveniently forgot and didn’t make any further calls! I understand that she doesn’t want to move out but I can’t believe she would put all of this off knowing that EPS was hanging over our heads (including hers and her house calls team) but she still was trying to push it off so that it wouldn’t happen!

I got the ball rolling now. Tomorrow I will get a call from the social workers with a list of homes that are in her budget so that we can start looking into them. I’m also going to be calling her house calls team to see when they can come out to be able to do her TB test and physical so that we can get that information to the social workers. AS soon as they have that information and we have a home picked out they can move her in. But we have to make sure their is availability to the home and have to go check them out in person before a contract can be signed… I just can’t believe that we have been trying to get her into a better situation for a long time and it has come to this and now we will be investigated for Neglect when we have been trying to convince her that this isn’t working and that we need to find a resolution that is better for everyone involved! We talked numerous times about how what she needs and what she is getting are not the same thing and that we love her and want to see her getting the care she deserves! She really doesn’t see how her living conditions aren’t okay! It baffles me! I’ve taken over the situation with the help and support of my husband and now something will actually get done! I’m hoping that in a week to 2 weeks we will have her in a better situation… considering tomorrow is Friday I doubt her dr. will come out that soon! It will more likely be sometime next week I might have to pester the shit out of them but they need to get out here ASAP!!!!

On a positive note, Jean seems to finally understand the weight of the situation and is more cooperative, she is also letting me take more control which means shit will actually get done. Also it means this situation could be resolved before Sunday is born and I can have a week without stress!

Nightmares!

Last night sucked! I tossed and turned all night and when i did sleep I had nightmares. I mean a crap ton of nightmares! They changed frequently but the concept was still the same… Jean would get sick, or refuse care, or not take care of herself and lie to us about what she’s doing to care for herself… police would get called, we get blamed, my kids would get taken away, sometimes it would be down the road and they would literally get ripped from my arms, once I gave birth and they said you have an open case on you we can’t let you take your daughter home… Several times I fought and got my children back or just had to be observed constantly with them, but I could not teach so I did other jobs such as being a maid, a waitress, even a stripper in one dream… there is nothing wrong with any of these jobs but the fear of not being able to teach after all my hard work in college… I have to live with my siblings because Jean refuses to leave the house and it’s the only way social workers will allow me to keep my kids…

I know it sounds dramatic but this what I dreamed of all fricken night long! It sucked so bad! I am a good mom! I am a hard worker, I do nothing but work to provide for my children and when I am with them I do everything I can to feed them healthy meals, provide learning opportunities, help them grow and think, and love them fiercely, yet there is this cloud over us all because Jean refuses to accept that her conditions aren’t okay, she doesn’t get the care she needs even though we try to talk to her about it…

she thinks she’s fine the way she is and doesn’t see the bigger picture and because of a law here in our state even though she has full power of attorney and full care taker responsibilities because of her age if we don’t report her, evict her and force her to do these things we are held liable for her choices… We don’t want to report her and force her into state care, we never wanted to evict her this is not how we want to force her to care for herself… but we are getting left with no other options if we don’t and some other health professional does we get held reliable and then we also get CPS investigation automatically… This dark cloud looming over us is why I had nightmares! It’s why I am overwhelmed, and borderline depressed right now… I can feel it, all the fear and anger I have because of some bad choices, stubborn rejection of reality…

On the plus side tonight Jean got an order confirmation for a gel pad for her wheel chair and they told her it would be here by the 8th of July and she made a comment afterwards to Red that she hopes to be in a group home by then… So even after her comments of locking out her health professionals at least she has come to terms with her need for a group home! I would love for her to be in a group home by then! That would give me 3 weeks before Sunday’s arrival so that we can relax and enjoy the last 3 weeks of this pregnancy and get everything ready without this dark cloud looming over us!

I’ve decided to talk to Jean about if she calls and gets a list of places that I will go check them out and record them for her so that she can view them on my computer and see them because it is much harder for her to arrange transportation and then she can narrow it down and just go see the ones she likes… I’m willing to offer this partially because I want to make sure there is no procrastination and because I do want to support her in making a choice that will lead to a better lifestyle and a healthier lifestyle for everyone involved! I’m also going to give her the boxes I’ve been saving up and see if she needs help with packing things up…  I don’t know exactly what to do but I want to do something to help this process get moving so that the quicker it happens the more time I have to de-stress before baby is born! I know my husband, and mother in law would both go with me to do this…

 

impatient…

I know it’s unrealistic to expect anything to happen as quickly as I’d like but I feel like Jean is also dragging her feet…

She tells me tonight that the social worker told her to contact them to set up a meet up… then later on during said conversation she said they would be reaching out to her… so I’m not sure if she’s supposed to call them or if they are supposed to call her… Come Monday if they haven’t reached out to her I’m gonna insist on a call to them to find out more information to see if she’s trying to push it off or if it’s on there end…

She hates the lady who is threatened to call the police on unintentional neglect… I get it that you don’t like her because she’s the one making you do this but I have spoken to her several times and really feel like she is just telling Jean harsh truths that she doesn’t want to hear…

Talking to Jean tonight she made a few comments that I can’t let go and keep replaying in my head making me frustrated…

1. “Maybe I should just not let the lady back in the house.”
   This bothers me because she knows what would happen and how it would put me n my husband at risk for an investigation with EPS, CPS, and if I have an open neglect charge I will be unable to teach and could be prevented from finishing my degree until said case was closed…. If she was serious about doing that and putting us at risk because she doesn’t want to face the truth, I will lose my shit!
2. “I don’t need to have the sanitary level she is requiring.” Like really you have open bed sores because of the unsanitary level of your room and you don’t think that needs to be a priority. The things she’s requiring aren’t unreasonable, she tells Jean her bedding should be cleaned daily but that doesn’t happen. Jean has no control of her bladder and literally stated that her bedding should only need to be changed once or twice a week! She has someone who is supposed to come out and clean her up and her living quarters daily but she has her do little chores like dusting and styling her hair instead of getting her bedding changed daily…. She also thinks that she should only need a sponge bath once or twice a week… Once again she has open bed sores, and no bladder control, you need a bath daily!

I can’t handle this… I don’t understand her how can she have been a nurse and think that hygiene isn’t important when it pertains to open sores and a persons state of health!!!! I can’t believe she would consider not letting the lady who is close to calling the police in just because she doesn’t like her, even though it would put me n hubby at risk for everything!!!! I can’t believe she would even consider it. I told her if she did that it would be bad for us because then the lady would call and we would have an investigation and she just needs to put up with the lady during her sessions!

If somehow Jean manages to slip around this whole going to a home thing… I’m going to lose it! Like literally I have considered moving out, filing for eviction on her… anything but I feel like I have to protect my family and my career because it will sustain us and provide a better life for the family I need to protect… I’m just baffled and frustrated right now! I’m having a really hard time feeling empathetic when she is willing to risk my families well being over her stubbornness! I want this situation to be over! I want there to be a resolution that shows itself soon because I can’t handle this shit!

 

Already planning…

I find myself planning things that are far away, especially when I don’t have control of what is happening right now…

I have been thinking and planning a lot about when we can move… I have been thinking and making plans for my next semester after maternity leave is over… I have been planning how I want to organize my class stuff differently from my personal life… you seen I’m an admitted planner addict… I have a rather large HAPPY PLANNER and it has served me well in many ways but things that I don’t particularly like about have me thinking about how and what I want to differently next year (I know I still have 6 months!)… I will keep using my big happy planner but next year I will be switching back to the regular sized planner because well the big one is just so much more difficult to take around with me in my appointments and my purse… So I tend to leave it home more which annoys me when I need it (which is all the time) because I’ve gotten so used to having it… So come January I will by me another regular sized planner (the mini’s were too small for me) and I will also be getting a big teacher planner to keep all my school work and lesson plans organized… then I will be using the regular one for all my normal life stuff…

Why am I in overdrive planning out something that will not happen for a half a year??? Well it’s because I’m so overwhelmed by all my mother in law stuff that I am trying to focus on something that I can control and work with…

I feel trapped by the current situation… all I can do is wait and see how things work out… I am trying my best to be patient but to also be heard. I have held my tongue for so long or gone unheard for so long and am partly to blame for the situation by not forcing my loved ones to have uncomfortable conversations and face uncomfortable realities… So this time, I am speaking up, I am being heard even when I don’t want to cause arguments because it needs done… it sucked in the beginning but I think I have found a healthy balance with my husband and he hears me and acts because if he doesn’t act then I don’t shut up (I hate being the nagging wife but damn it it’s gotta happen or nothing happens) I think mostly it’s because he has faced the reality and is dealing with it… I also think a lot of it is understanding the level of hurt and stress I feel from the situation and how it is affecting everything including the pregnancy…

I have no idea, no timeline, for how this is going to play out… I would love for this to happen and be resolved before my daughter arrives but there is no guarantee… Mostly I am just hoping that I will have some peace and a couple weeks without the stress of all of this chaos… we will see… I can hope… but instead of thinking of all the things I cannot fix or work on I will think of the things I can… like finishing my degree strong and with some organization and plan of how to proceed!

32 week update midwife apt.

I’m not sure if I already posted an update life has been crazy hectic if you haven’t noticed the frantic blogs lately!

I saw my midwife a couple days ago and we went over the ultrasound results, talked about labor, and rhogam and tdap shots that I will be getting in a few weeks…

All is going well! Sunday is growing in the 31st percentile so not as big as Dalton but should be around the 7lb mark… they didn’t give me a length estimate but she should be between 17-20 inches long because she’s in the average scale ratios… She’s still flipping circles in there but it doesn’t matter with a c-section… she seems to like the breech position in the morning and the transverse position in the evening… I can feel her doing laps in there so she hasn’t run out of room yet and should be about 4 1/2 pounds at this point… I’ve gained about 22lbs so I will be right around the weight that the drs want me to gain so that’s good… they were a lot more snippy about the weight gain this time around which is odd because I wasn’t super heavy when I got pregnant but they were very stern about how much weight I should gain…

I’m still tired frequently and I think a lot of that is due to the amount of stress I’m under… I really wanted to start getting things set up for Sunday but with the whole Jean situation I’m not sure I should start just yet or not because I will be having to help her pack and get situated… so I feel like I’m on pause waiting to see what’s going to happen… I am still buying a package of diapers a week and slowly building our supply… the goal is to have the first couple of cases covered for the first couple of months so that we don’t have to stress as much… Jean asked me to save the boxes for her so I’ve been putting the diapers away and just holding onto the boxes…

other then that I’m okay… a little better (less depressed) then I was a week ago but still overwhelmed with the whole household situation… I’m really hoping it will be resolved before Sunday is here so that I can enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy without this crazy amount of stress…

Terrifying breakthrough!

holy smokes it was a long fricken day!!! So some of worries came through but I think it might have just been what Jean needed… So to start, one of her health care professionals came through and basically told Jean that her living conditions are unsanitary and unsafe (things we’ve been telling Jean for a long time) and came out had a discussion with me, JEan and my hubby… the HCP was very agressive in the beginning basically acussing me n rob of neglect… we explained that Jean signed herself out against the recommendations of a lot of people including us… she knew she had no additional help at home and her care had gone way above and beyond what we could do… We love her and have basically been begging her to go to a care center where she could be taken care of the way she deserves, and she has fought us every step of the way, and every professional who has tried to recommend the same thing…

The HCP told Jean that if she doesn’t have plans in action by Tuesday that she will be calling the police for elderly neglect and explained to Jean that because she lives with us even though she is considered her own care taker under state laws because of her age and our knowledge of her situation that we would be held liable for her living conditions and that they would not only remove her from the house they could remove the kids as well due to neglect charges on us (talk about me having a Fricken heart attack!!!!) She also told us that the only way for us to protect ourselves is to evict Jean due to her refusing to care for herself that would keep the kids at home and us out of investigation… either way she would need to find a group home ASAP…

I almost had a melt down! It was scary, we’ve been telling Jean that we’ve been concerned that if people came in that we would be the one under investigation because of her refusal to get the care that she needs… She thought we were exaggerating, but I also mentioned to her that if there is a neglect case open on me I will not be able to work as a teacher either so this not only risks our entire family but the years of education that I have been working hard at to provide for said family! The whole situation was terrifying!

However, I’m not the only one who got scared! So did Jean and she actually started making the phone calls needed to be able to get the ball rolling on looking for a group home… she even brought out a pamphlet and asked me to help her start looking for a group home, we talked about parts of town, prices, and the accommodations that she would need!

We only have until Tuesday afternoon to get a plan of action together to keep this HCP from calling in her situation… I’m hoping we can get some answers by then because it’s really only 2 business days and we went through all of this at 4pm which was too late to get very many phone calls done, Jean did call some people, but she was also supposed to get a call back from one of them a few days ago and that never happened…

I’m stressed but at least something productive is being done and JEan is no longer refusing to even look into it… she has come to terms that it needs to happen just figuring out where to begin is the hard part…

Neglectful primary care physician…

Another piece of the wtf Saga that is my life… how can a primary care physician who hasn’t seen someone in years… hasn’t checked on their patient once go against multiple other doctors wishes and check a patient out of the care center… i dont understand…

Im angry… frustrated… and confused…

Jean is home against 5! yes 5 other doctors recommendations! 1 doctor went ahead and signed her out… forget the fact that he hasn’t been one of the doctors caring for her in the last month and half, hasn’t checked on anything… he did tell her she has to see him in the next 7 days from getting signed out but that’s it…

She has managed to convince him that she has all this extended care at home, that she can do so much for herself.. and that it’s only a little custodial care that she needs… she even told the nurses that she knows she needs a group home but she just wanted to get some things taken care of before she went…

However, as soon as she got home and we talked with her and asked her about her long term plans her plan is to have her bath lady (who has flaked multiple times, rarely shows up on time, does everything half assed) to come every day to help her out of bed at 6-8 pm (she didn’t show up today until 10 minutes til 8) and thats it… when we asked her how long that is supposed to last she told us until she dies… We have expressed to her more than once that we really don’t want her to pass away in the house… that we don’t want to find her like that, and we really don’t want it to be one of our kids that finds her like that…but clearly she has plans to die here in our house… she lied to the nurses because she has no intention of ever going to a group home…

I’m at a loss for words… how do you empathetically get someone to move into a group home or care center when they have absolutely no plan to do so and do not care how it affects anyone else???

We talked/ argued with her for hours about what she needs vs. what we can do… she doesn’t see why we can’t just pick her up, cook her meals, be home to let in her endless medical teams… and she doesn’t see why using our teenage son is such a “Big deal”

I’m at such a loss for words, I’m not sure what our next step is… my husband talked to one of her nurses today that is supposed to be doing the evaluation on her today (but Jean wasn’t awake in time) and told her of our schedule and what we can provide when/if we are around and apparently it was drastically different from the story that Jean has been giving her and the office… They are doing the the evaluation soon but the nurse also said that she would provide Jean with information on what she needs to do to get into a group home that they could help her with that process… so maybe that is a step in the right direction? IDK but I think Jean is going to just fight this and never leave…

I’m pretty much planning on getting my teaching license and moving out before she ever does…

 

Rough Day

Jean is having a really rough day… she keeps calling talking about signing herself out and trying to get home… The social workers keep telling her that she can’t live here and that she will have to choose a center… she is refusing to work with anyone… They are trying to help her, and also let her know the severity of the situation… She tells us one minute she knows she needs 24/7 care and needs a care center. then the next minute she’s plotting how to sneak out of the rehab center…

My heart breaks that she is afraid and panicking about the changes to come… I feel bad that we can’t do more… We have already done as much as we can and she is beyond our care…

My heart breaks for my husband who wants to support her but knows that we can’t do anything more than we have…

I know she is grieving and in denial… I feel so bad for her… but I also stand my ground that she can’t get the care she needs from our house… We can’t risk her health and safety just to appease her feelings anymore… We love her and this might just be a case of tough love but she cannot come back to our house…