1 semester down.

Tags

goodbye 2021, mental health, mom life, new teacher, teacher, teacher blogs, teacher struggles, working mom

I am happy that I am half way through the year. I really hope the second half of the year goes well. The first half has been a doosie. Changing from grade levels has been chaotic and exhausting. I am exhausted and over half way through my winter break. I do not feel mentally ready to go back to work yet and I feel like I need to be.

I wish I were more excited to go back to school in 6 days but I’m not. I am trying to get myself focused and ready to take on the new year but I’m not. Teaching is hard. I knew it would be but wow, it is really hard. I do not feel like I am ready to take on this career but I’m already here. I’m hoping that with time and expierence I will get better at management and it will become easier. This year has not been easy. I’m sure a big part is lack of expierence but we are 4 almost 5 months in and I still dont feel 100% comfortable in the classroom. I wish I were but it’s hard to not feel like I’m good enough all the time. It’s a hard hit to the ego and I don’t like the negative thinking it brings when I am constantly feeling teacher guilt like I do not do enough. It is mentally exhausting. I’m trying to make a better plan to get through and start feeling more in control and prepared.

I think time management needs to be more of a priority. When I get overwhelmed I struggle to stick to a plan and go into survival mode. No body is at their best when they are in survival mode. So I am going to sit down tomorrow and make a list of goals that are realistic for myself. I am going to keep to my strict schedule and make sure we reevaluate the rules and routines are tight so that the students come back acting like it’s the first day of school again. I think this will help me feel more in control. I am going to start setting up a plan and see if I can keep to this. I am going to treat it like I did a new semester of college with planning out all my classroom time including which things like making copies on which days I am going to do those things. Maybe this will help us all get back into the flow of things easier.

I’m just hoping I can get into the groove of things quickly. I really wish I was already as confident and comfortable as the veteran teachers. I am sure I will get their eventually I just need to pay my time to get there. For now I am going to focus on setting realistic goals. I am also going to take time for my mental health. I am going to try to write more because it really does help me stay motivated and focused on the positives and I really need that. I have considered more than once if I have chosen the correct career or not. I am really considering becoming a speech pathologist or admin or something so that I have more options for this career field incase in the classroom never feels comfortable. I am going to get my masters I just do not know in what yet.

Well I am exhausted and have babbled long enough, I do feel more positive having a plan of realistic weekly schedule and goals already makes me feel better. I will take my notebook with me to the hair dressers tomorrow so that while I wait my turn I can be productive.

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Midnight dreams

Hello midnight, it’s been so long. Tonight I’m up because my dreams came true.

I dreamed of babies and being a mom. Life had a different plan and it took way to long. But through the years and through the tears my dreams finally came true.

Now here I am with 2 from my womb and I couldn’t be more blessed.

My sweet 2 year old is having a rough night falling asleep. Laying on my chest beyond exhausted. Through her tired cries and red rimmed eyes I still can’t believe this is my life and I am this lucky.

My journey felt so turmoultous while going through it. Now it seems like a different life. I still bare the scars and sometimes dream of what if scenarios make my heart clench.

I really pray that others can get through the storm as well. It is beyond all my dreams. Nothing beats this.

No matter where you are at in your journey I hope you found comfort and joy during this winter season.

Merry Christmas Eve.

I figured I really needed a follow up to my last post. It might have sounded like I’m in a bad place mentally with my marriage I’m really not. In fact this year I have been actively trying to work on my relationship simply because I noticed it lacking areas it had never really lacked before. Things needed work that used to come naturally and once I narrowed down the reasons I was surprised at how many little things had impacted us over time. Now it is time to repair and heal. Luckily no major lines have been crossed so I feel that it is simply in need of some maintenance more than repairs.

I am looking forward to getting back to where I feel like we are at our happiest. That just means I need a little more focus on each other. I really look forward to when we move and it’s just us to lean on and that we are a team taking on this next adventure.

I really love Christmas with the kiddos. For years I never thought it would happen, Thanks infertility, but now it is not lost on me how truly blessed we are. I love my kids and my husband so much. I’m mostly happy in my career, I still have a lot I am working on to feel like I am in general a good teacher but it’s okay to be a work in progress as long as there is progress.

IT has kinda dawned on me that it might be our last in this home with all 4 of my kids being near for the holidays and that does make me a bit sad. I am hopeful that where ever we go our older children will follow but who knows how long that will take. Either way I am trying to just enjoy every moment instead of feeling like my winter break is going by too fast.

I really, really, really, needed this break from work. This semester was absolutely exhausting. I am so happy that I am half way through the year though. That means summer break is just around the corner. I’m not sure how, or where, I’ll be next year but I am really looking forward to seeing where things go. We may stay another year, or get out as quickly as we can, just depends how we feel when we go traveling this spring/summer.

We might just need to put out job apps in both places and let the universe guide us to where we need to go. I am hopeful it is going to be what is best no matter where we choose to go.

Drifted

I noticed a few things happened after becoming a mom that I didn’t anticipate. I knew I would struggle with patience, I knew I would love them more than life, I knew it was what I always wanted. All of that has come true. My hopes were surpassed by the love that I feel for my children. I love my family I really do.

My husband has been my best friend since I was 16. so that’s 16 years of being friends. We have been together for 11 of those years, we have been married for 8. He is a really good man. I have seen him grow in so many ways and I am so proud of him. I too have grown. We have both worked hard for our goals and we are stronger together than apart… most of the time… It really wasn’t until recently that I realized how breakable we can be. I always felt like my foundation was rock solid. I always felt like our relationship could not waiver. As long as respect and loyalty were there. I have learned that was a bit naive to think that way. We do have a strong foundation and we are both incredibly loyal and that is a great foundation.

I’m not proud of this but there were times that I started figuring out how to make it without him. If I could, what that might look like. All this was out of stress and fear. But once upon a time those thoughts crossed my mind. When we said our vows I never thought I would ever even think of it because of our foundation.

I can’t narrow it down to one big hurt or one major problem it was more like little hurts and a lot of festering wounds. Looking back a lot could have been resolved by me not holding my tongue. By being willing to have a fight instead of avoid the topic until tempers settle or forever. I have realized that even though my husband is my partner. Our best friend side of things has been lacking. Somewhere during the stress and the hard work we both stopped leaning on each other as much and did more things separately. The more we did apart the easier it was to picture. The more the little hurts stung and the harder it got to avoid fighting and then I stopped trusting as much over small things as well.

It is stupid really, because I know how intensely I love this man. Even when it came to move I kept thinking being near family because I miss my family and because I want someone near for me. But why if I have my hubby then I am not alone he was always my best friend before, why not now. Maybe being far away with just the two of us we will be able to bond and regrow our friendship because I need him. and I want to need him the way I used to need him. Forever is a long time, I want us to be as close as we used to be and that means leaning on each other and trusting one another to be there and to always have your back.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t think the D word is in our future at all, but I miss my best friend and I want to be his best friend again too. I want us to get out of this lull and get back into hand in hand chasing the adventures together.