REady set go.

I think I have realized that my hometown really is a good compromise. It is greener then where we are but not as green as the other place. It is closer for us to travel and see our older sons and parents that are getting older. It is closer to outdoor fun then we are now. It is about the same cost or cheaper then where we are right now. We can get the land we crave. We would only be 2.5 hours away from several large cities. It is a good balance of what we want. We are going to go check it out this spring and then make our decisions so that I can start applying to jobs. That is all I am exhausted and excited and exhausted!

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And breathe.

Holy cow it has been a whirlwind week. On Tuesday last week we were told we were going on a 5 day reset. No school for 5 days to help get students and teachers back on campus since we are critically short staffed. I hear my sister up north and they don’t have nearly the same amount of issues with cases as we do down here in the south. I think it’s the rural vs city thing but I can’t help but be a bit jealous. I wish my year were more normal. It’s not bad now but I still wonder what it would be like up there instead of here.

Right now I am all gungho on wanting to move there this spring but the truth is I don’t know. I know I want out of the city and desert but I’m not sure tiny town in the mountains is where I want to be. My hubby always talked about wanting to live in a mountain town. It wasn’t until we started really looking that I realized how many things I like about the city. I even found a beautiful green city in the mountains. But it is far. It is a 20 hour drive to our family and about a 17 hour drive to my hometown. It would be so far. If my older boys start having children they would be so far. I don’t want my grandbabies to grow up without me.

I want them to see me as often as possible. I fear a 20+ hour drive will make that really hard. Flying with a family is really hard. I just worry, I won’t get to see them once ever 3-5 years is not enough. I know we would want to see them more often but it wasn’t until 5 years ago that I started traveling every summer to see my family and that would be much harder that far away.

I also worry about our parents. It would be terrible to not be around if something happened. I really want an adventure but I’m also worried about missing out on time with those most important to me. If I were to make a choice today it would be with family. I think I’m going to try to redirect my brain for a little while and try not to think or stress about moving and the other part of me is like hey I really really really need to organize and get rid of a bunch of stuff. Even start packing the non essentials. I think taking a break might be more important at this point in time! Ugh. I’m just ready to settle down somewhere pretty with the stars and fresh air above. I want to be in the same school in the same classroom, in the same grade for a few years so that I can start really building myself as a teacher.

I want to feel like it’s a home that we built and picked out together and get to make all our own new memories there together. I want to feel settled in for once.

Location family

My hubby told me he is just ready to get out of where we are now. We have discussed traveling far and his response his he’s down for where ever but he is worried that I won’t be able to handle being that far from family and that I will end up regretting it. He is not necessarily wrong. I thought he was. Losing my aunt made me realize how hard it will be on me when it is someone I am even closer to like one of our parents or one of my siblings. A loss like that will have me regretting not getting enough time with them. Location family is missing a lot of things that I want but it has a lot that my husband wants and my family is there. Maybe he is right, maybe I will regret being so far away.

I will miss my siblings and friends so much, not that I can’t make new friends. I can’t make new siblings. I can’t replace my parents or my husbands. Who knows how much more time we get with them all. I’m ready to make a decision in this moment. Who knows it could change again. I’m very indecisive right now. Once I make a commitment I have no problem sticking with it. It is figuring out what I want to commit too.

Who knows. I feel like we need to make our choice soon so that we can make other plans and start making plans and timeline. It’s alot my brain hurts…

Awake.

It’s about 1 am and I am awake. I have used this bout of insomnia for good. I put in a pick up order for groceries and planned out all our meals for tomorrow which is also good. I’m starting to get tired but it’s like my brain just doesn’t want to shut off. I keep thinking about my aunt and about my nephews and nieces and siblings.

I know my brain is just processing since I can’t do anything about my aunt. I lived in my hometown until I was 10. My oldest sibling were just starting their families. By the time I was 23 everyone but me had already had and completed their families. I love all my siblings and our giagantic family so much. However, many of my nephews and nieces just don’t really know me or have a strong connections. It makes me sad that my nephews and nieces wont really care that much about me when I feel so intensely about all of them. It’s not that they are mean or anything, they just don’t know me enough for us to have a strong bond. It makes me sad to think that Dalton and Sunday won’t really care about my family either if we move far away because they just wont be around them. That makes me so sad. I am so close with my sisters we talk daily.

I just wish my kids knew them better. Dalton loves being around his family and his cousins. We would be only 7-8 hour drive away. My parents live where we currently are and their health isn’t the best. My husband mom lives here and our 2 oldest children live down here as well. It would be a lot easier to go see them more frequently if we lived in my hometown instead of our city.

It is smaller than I like and most likely will never grow and really thrive. Their aren’t as many opportunities financially and career wise, or activity wise. That bothers me. At the same time going there now doesn’t mean we won’t be able to move again later if we find somewhere better that we like. I am paranoid about the housing market and I’m terrified it will crash.

If I had to choose right now I would probably choose my hometown. Those family relationships are so special and wonderful and I really want my kids to have that too. I want them to feel close to their aunts so that they always look forward to visiting them. What I really want is to have it all… to pick up my family and move them somewhere beautiful all of them! That is not possible and I will not be able to have it all so just trying to figure out what I want most.

24 hour head spin…

My aunt passed away this week. I really liked her. I was literally envisioning sitting on her porch sipping on lemonade talking about the kids and moving come this summer. I had plans to introduce her to my daughter for more than a quick minute. I felt so bad that we didn’t get to stop by. I really do regret not getting to. We were there for 3 days and 2 of them being for the other side of my family when my grandpa passed away. The next year was the pandemic. We were already planning on going up this May.

A stroke had other plans and now she is gone. I think back to our last conversation. We talked for hours. We texted for years. I feel bad, I wish I had gotten even closer. It’s so hard to foster those relationships. DOn’t get me wrong it goes both ways and she could have picked up the phone more too. IT’s to late now, to regret. I am sad for her, I am sad for her husband and children and grand children.

I’m exhausted, this was also the first week back to work after the break. My head is absolutely spinning. I’m thinking of my aunt. I’m rethinking being so far away. We won’t get to travel as often to see family. I really want to know my nephews and nieces more. I really want my kids to be happy. I want so many things and I can’t get them all. I wish I could.

Ugh I wish Reno were back on the options list but housing prices are too high and it is scratched from the list. IT makes me sad that my older sons don’t know who passed away. My senior in high school was like I don’t know her so I don’t need to go. It made me sad because he doesn’t know my family that much and it’s because we are so far away. I wish he knew them better. They really would have a lot in common and they are a much better influence then his birth mom’s family. That is a whole other topic for another day. I just wish he would want to go and be with the family especially in a time like now.

I want my children to know and love their aunts. If something were to happen to me and my husband I would want them to have the whole family to lean on. I have a wonderful family and I feel like I could be cheating my kids out of that expierence. I’m really leaning towards being near family right now. I wish I had more time with being with my aunt but I was so stinking far away from her that it was hard to keep and establish that relationship. I don’t want my kids to feel like they have no relationship with my siblings that I am so extremely close too.

They may not have everything we want but it would be nice to be closer. I don’t know I am so overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted right now.

Big conversations = big decisions

Tags

career, healthy marraige, ivf, life after infertility, life goals, married life, mom life, moving the family, relationship goals, relocating

Me and the hubster have been debating for a while about staying for another year, or leaving after this school year is up. Today we were just having a normal conversation when it came up and I told him that maybe we should just start putting in applications come this spring so that we can aim to move over the summer.

It is exciting and terrifying. I am slightly in shock even though we have been talking forever about it. It has been like yeah we can move this year or next no big deal, but now it is like yep lets do the damn thing, lets start looking and making plans. I am excited and terrified about it. Like wow lets do it, but I’m also nervous about it. It is going to be stressful to look for job and a house and hope for financial stability. IDK whether waiting is smarter or not. I worry about the weight of it all but the idea of moving is super exciting. I really hope that we fall in love with somewhere and it’s just move n done kinda thing. I don’t want to have to move around a bunch. I want to move somewhere and be there and happy for the next 30 years, the unknown scares me. Being where we are does not make us happy either. In fact, it is the one big thing we are not happy about is our current location.

IT seems scary though to take that risk and leave. I have been here for 20 years, I moved away twice but each time was only 6 months and then I moved back. I don’t want to move back here again this time. I am also married and stable this time where as the last 2 times I was not. I am just sitting here excitedly spinning about this. I can’t believe we both said yes lets try to do it this year. Both of us with the intentions of moving forward is exciting it means things will definitely happen. Well as long as I can get a job. We are not moving or looking for houses or anything until I have a contract in hand. The nice thing is if we stay in state then I won’t have to worry about getting my state teaching lic. If we move I will need that and contract in hand before we could sell our house and move but the fact that we are going to try is exciting.

So we will see, we may decide we hate location green and location family is small enough that if the hiring pool is too small my wants might not matter. I will need to know by the end of May to keep my contract active. Who knows, there is a lot of time that will go by, a lot of projects that need to get done and a lot of steps to complete before we can move. It is exciting and scary. So much to be done.

Oh boy. Here we go. 3 days into 2022 and we are already lining up for a busy ass year. There is always the COVID policy of no plan is actually set, but otherwise it looks like it is going to be a busy and crazy new year. Hopefully by next school year I will be teaching in different district.

What are your thoughts would you chose a location that matched a picture in your head or would you choose to be near family?