Moving has been wonderful. I have of course been worried about whether or not I’ve made the right choice for my family or if it was a selfish choice just for me. I know my husband has benefitted a lot from the move as well. He really seems much happier out of the city and next to the mountains. I think I will always wonder but in the long run I really hope it is.
I have been enjoying the slower paced life and the calmness of it all. I’m not used to the small town gossip mill or the tiny town know everyone thing. That is still taking me some getting used to but I am loving feeling like myself. It has been years since I have felt like me. The me before infertility. That me just hustled at work like a boss then came home and engulfed myself in my kids and husband. I had a plan but I also was very calm and laid back. That’s something that changed when infertility came into the picture. I lost a lot of calm and gained some extra pounds and anxiety. I felt more tense and wound tight and the more I put on my plat the tighter I felt until it was like a tight rubber band squeezing me.
Eventually, I just started to function at that high anxiety level. My temper fuse got shorter and I can say that I have reacted in ways I’m not proud of. I have yelled more than I ever wanted to and I have cried way more times in the last 8 years than I did in the previous 24 years. It was just the stress and fear that had lived in me so long it began to project in unhealthy ways. I struggled with depression after I had Dalton but honestly it was probably the back to back miscarriages before I was pregnant with him. Little by little, heart break by heart break, I had shifted into someone…new…. I can’t say better. The constant stress, fear, and pain had made me feel overtly rigid with everything.
I was an outright bitch at times. Not going to lie. I wish my kids hadn’t seen me react so quickly or loudly at times. I know they love me but it’s a guilt I have carried and will always carry. However, since moving I am starting to feel like the me before it all. The me that didn’t sweat the small stuff, the me that laughed often and loudly. The me that loved with her whole heart and tried to be positive and optimistic. The me that felt good about herself. The slower paced life has been magnificent… I don’t feel to tired after work (most days) to play with the kids or do something for myself. Work feels like a part of my day not my whole day. I’m reacting slower when the kids do stupid or rude things. I am in more control of my class and less stressed about the day.
I feel like I can feel good about myself more and less guilty because I’m not being as reactive. Which was a great way to describe me when in survival mode. I DO NOT LIKE THAT PERSON! the saddest part is that I have not liked that person for a while but it has been a struggle to regain the calmer side of me. Infertility will always be there it will always have left it’s scars and lead me to my biggest blessings. But it does not define me. It does not have to leave it’s fear and anxiety behind as wreckage. I will find me again and I will continue to be someone I can be proud of. I will continue on working to find my calm again.
lovingthemarriedlife 