beyond being mom, family goals, inner calm, less reactive, married life, mom life, motherhood, personal goals, personal growth, working mom
IT has been a month since I let go of the pressure I have been putting on myself to do everything all the time. IT has been so rewarding in so many ways. I have felt less stressed. Every week I feel like the me that I have been working so hard for for all the years. We still have many goals as a couple, family, personally, etc… but for the last 10 years we have been working so hard to get where we wanted to get. Hubby and I had laid down some major goals for us as priorities, those were things like getting stability, having more children, and moving out of the desert. We did it, we have more children thanks to IVF, we are no longer living in the hell that is the south western desert. I have a career that I can take just about anywhere in the USA and a few other locations outside the US.
I am excited for us. We have some more goals, hubby to have a stable income from home specifically, traveling, spending as much time as a family doing family things, moving forward with my career. Watching my husband grow in his new career. Having the freedom to dream together and grown. The country is unstable and that’s always scary but I hope that everything will normalize and stabilize. That is another fear for another day though.
I have been feeling like I’m just enjoying life more. I’m handling my stress better. I’m not as reactive as I was and I know a lot of that has to do with stopping when I’m feeling overwhelmed and asking myself why is this bothering me, what about it is really a problem. This has been helping me at home and at work. I feel less overwhelmed and more in control of myself. Which is how I used to feel. It’s weird like all the little bs when I was in survival/hustle mode was a tiny rubber band and each one that added just seemed to mold me into one tense wound up stress ball. It was hard not to snap and I have some memories where I sounded really harsh and cunty and I still feel guilty. The worst part was knowing the people that I love the most that I was hustling so hard for are the ones who will share those memories of me acting unpleasant.
Tonight I burnt the rice for dinner I got distracted by the dog stealing butter off the counter and the toddler being naked and throwing a huge fit about putting clothing on. By the time I got back to the rice I was frying it was inedible and I was mad I wanted to yell at the dog and tell the toddler to stop screaming. Instead I just threw the rice away, started over and remembered it was my fault for walking away and being mad doesn’t unburn the rice. So here we are. And I redid the rice we had a lovely dinner and I didn’t feel like a crappy human at the end of the night. I’m not saying I lost my shit daily but it felt like a struggle and losing my shit even once a week left me feeling guilty forever. I feel less guilty and happier. Although, I am actively aware of my stress levels and when I am overwhelmed, I am constantly catching myself reacting instead of just being me I am hoping that continuing to do these things and eventually it will be natural again like it once was. I am hoping I can find my inner calm and just enjoy life and everything we have been working for.