I’ve realized something lately… that I have trust issues… Not with Red I can trust Red… It’s with me!!! I know sounds crazy right? Well it makes sense to me a lot of my anxiety stems with having a trust issue with my body!
As a child I was hypoglycemic and had issues with feeling like crap and passing out and even at times having seizures from blood sugar drops…
My ears failed me and caused me to lose my dream career even though I was half way through my training… My inner ear had an infection that caused permanent damage…
Then I found started having the miscarraiges… and my infertility journey took a new twist…
Then I finally successfully carry a pregnancy but my labor was ridiculously and my cervix couldn’t figure out what to do and dialiation was like pulling nails…
I started breastfeed which was a dream but for the first 2 months I had to use a nipple shield….
Then 5 months postpartum my body couldn’t even heal right and I ended up having to have a surgery to repair the damage caused from labor…
Dealing with all of this made me deal with a bit of depression after having Dalton and that scared me I was afraid to trust my instincts as a mother… I had horrible nightmares… that caused some crazy anxiety and I doubted my abilities to do anything… I feel like it wasn’t until after my surgery and I started to feel normal physically and after that I finally started to come out of my depression… I still struggle to trust my “mom instincts” I have a lot of insecurities and doubts that all stem from me not trusting my body…
When I realized how deep I mistrust my own body is about the time I made the conscious decision to talk to someone that might be able to give me the tools to start trusting myself again…
I look back at some of the things like hypoglycemic and think that it taught me how to eat healthy and make my health a priority…
My ear thing sucked and I still get sad when I think about flying…
My misscarraiges sucked!!!!! There was so much hurt and heartache their that I’m still trying to figure out what to do to make myself trust that the immune protocol is what made the difference and that hopefully we will not have to go through that again!
Once I was able to make it to the 2nd trimester I actually had a wonderful, uneventful pregnancy… I really did enjoy my pregnancy and every milestone we made it through!
My labor sucked! But I was able to have a healthy child and that’s what was most important if I have to have a c-section next time then so be it! One horrible labor doesn’t mean they will all be that way!
My breastfeeding struggles eventually I was able to overcome and my body produced tons of milk and I am just now at 20 months starting the weaning process!
I think talking to someone before trying for baby #2 will be very helpful for my sanity and having a healthy relationship with my body would be wonderful!!!